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The future is so scary... (School and Depression related) - June 5th 2009, 04:31 PM

First of all, mods and admins, if I have put this under the wrong category, please feel free to move this thread. I had a hard time trying to figure out which sub-forum should I post this in and finally decided to post it in the depression section because that's the root of all the things that I'm going to write.

I started drug therapy to treat my depression last year. It had some effect for around about six months until I started lowering my doses, where the effects started to wore off. I began to lose hope in them and right now it's been about a week since I last consumed them. I haven't seen the doctor for a looong time, but after some advice from someone on this site, I decided that I am going to go there again, perhaps tommorow.

Ever since last week I've been completely down. Last month I received my first university offer and at first I was so ecstatic since all my friends have got theirs and now I finally have one two. The day after that I was sick and couldn't get out of bed or even eat anything for the whole day. I was still in the middle of my A Level exams, which at first I vowed to work my ass off in. I wanted to get a scholarship to a university overseas, which will require me to get straight As. Days passed, I still felt sick though not as bad as the first day, and then before I knew it I had two of the hardest exam components the next day. I completely freaked out, and as a result I didn't do very well on both of the exams.

It completely changed me, I had built all these goals and watching them slip away one by one made me feel like a failure. Fortunately I was able to think that it might just be a detour towards being what I want to be, I already have a university offer anyway in a program that I want, and started thinking that it might not be so bad after all. I don't have to move overseas, I can still see my family up to once a week if I'm not busy and I can still continue with my piano lessons for another two years and still take a music class during my third or fourth year, even as an elective. The main reason why I wanted to go to that university overseas in the first place was because they had a music psychology class and it should be a good start to what I want to be. I want to be a music therapist/neuromusicologist/some sort of clinical psychologist who researches the effects of music and art on the brain, body and someone's mental wellbeing. I figured that maybe for my undergraduate degree I don't need to be too specific yet, so I can settle with the option that I have.

On the other hand, my parents aren't too supportive. The program to which I have been offered a place in is expensive and they consider it as a last resort. Its a program where you get to spend two years at the most leading psychology departement in the country and another two years abroad. My parents can still afford the two years here, but they're not sure about the two years abroad. There might be a scholarship available, but I haven't clarified this with the program coordinator yet and even to do that you have to at least be the top of the class for it, something that I can't really promise. They want me to get a regular degree instead, at the same university. Trouble is, to get in I would have to study really hard because there are only about 25 seats left and I'm competing with students in a country where its population is the fourth highest in the world. On top of that, I have never learned 3 of the subjects that will be tested on because I studied a different stream in high school, and I could only count on tutoring. Most importantly, I can't really make out what the future will be like if I enrolled in that program because all the classes are in Indonesian (all those years I spent studying and writing in English will be a waste) and I'm afraid I might not be able to catch up with the schoolwork.

I don't want to put a lot more effort than what I'm doing now. I don't want to get stressed out studying for the entrance test because I'm really sick of it. I want to avoid it as much as I can, and use the amount of time that I have left to prepare myself to make sure that college won't be as awful as high school. I had to settle for second best, why can't my parents do that too? To be honest, I actually think they can afford it, they're just scared that its going to turn out bad like high school, where they already put a lot of effort and money to make sure that my high school years were better than my middle school years. I'm trying my hardest to cure my depression and I can't really promise that it will work out but I know that somehow, someway, sometime it will but for now all I can do is try.

I've been thinking a lot about this lately and it really gets me down. I didnt study for the rest of my A Levels, I have one of the entrance tests tommorow and I havent read even one line off a book for it. I've been sleeping a lot, like I wanted to avoid being awake. I'm destroying myself. Above all, all I wanted is to be happy and I'm slowly starting to believe that it will never happen again.
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Re: The future is so scary... (School and Depression related) - June 5th 2009, 05:18 PM

hey hun, to be honest, depression can really affect the way you can handle work and studies and everything in life basically. i guess it's important to address that part first before you can handle life again..
for now, can you think of any methods you've used before to calm you down? everytime all the negative thoughts and lethargy falls in, try breathing deeply with control, and for a minute, let your mind go blank... i find that helps for me. (:
and maybe you can discuss your study options with a counsellor? and perhaps, he/she can explain what's the best thing for you to do now to your parents as well? you sound like quite a high acheiver, but do know that you shouldn't put too much stress on yourself and sacrifice your health... i know this is cliched but there's more to life that acheiving the aims you've set previously. (:

and the voice of truth tells me a different story
the voice of truth says "do not be afraid"
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Re: The future is so scary... (School and Depression related) - June 6th 2009, 12:43 PM

To tell you the truth, I'm not any sort of overachiever at all. My grades have been messed up ever since seventh grade. I am surrounded by A LOT of overachievers though so I get a lot of pressure from friends at school and stuff. Last monday I contacted my school counselor and that day he said he was busy taking care of the end-of-semester exams for non-seniors so i didn't want to bother him. Honestly, sometimes I think that I bother him too much with all of my concerns, it makes me feel guilty since the counselor's a really busy person and all. As for calming methods, I usually listen to music or write but that doesn't really solve things, it stops the work from being done.
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