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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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Tried and failed...again - June 5th 2009, 06:56 PM

Will tis vicious cycle ever end??? I can't even begin to count the number of times I have tried so hard to beat my depression over the past 11 years, but I just can't. Everytime my life starts to rebuild it gets knocked down 100x harder than before. I can't take it anymore. I feel absolutely nothing inside of me now. No hurt, no sadness, no anger, just nothing. I can't eat anymore. I clock out of work early almost everyday because I'm too depressed to stay there. Idk its weird, I don't feel anything but I have anxiety attacks anyway. I was with some friends the other night and I just got up and walked away. Being around people is making me more depressed. Idk why. Whatever, I'm sick of it. I swear on it, next time something goes wrong I will take my life, I just can't go through this anymore
   
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Re: Tried and failed...again - June 5th 2009, 09:26 PM

Hey,

I know what you mean by the cycle thing. You have to break the cycle or you will just keep repeating it over and over again. You have to realize where you went wrong the last time and not put your foot in the same hole again. Have you seeked counselling for these feelings, if not that might be something to check into as they are proffesionals and can help you with these feelings!

I know what it's like to be more depressed when you are with your friends, I used to be that way as well. But you have to let yourself let go and have fun with the people in your life! Try to push out the feelings of aniexty and depression out of your mine.

Don't let these feelings overtake your life! It doesn't have to be the death of you, you can beat this! Keep Trying! If you need to talk, PM me, I'm here! <3


when life is in discord; praise ye the Lord

keep your faith alive.
we're not alone <3
   
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Re: Tried and failed...again - June 6th 2009, 06:07 AM

How do you break the cycle when its not the same thing happening over again? It seems like every time I start piecing a part back together another falls apart then I fix that and another falls. Its impossible. I've all but given up on beating this. It does control me now and I don't really give a shit.

I don't know how to push those thoughts out when suicide is all that is EVER on my mind. All I want to do is take my life. I see nowhere my life can go that is in the right direction.
   
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Re: Tried and failed...again - June 6th 2009, 04:45 PM

How?
It's not easy.
When you feel something falling apart you have to learn to stop it before it gets out of your control. Just because it's always different doesn't mean it's unbeatable.

Like I said you should probably seek some form of counselling!
That can really be helpful in your case.

Try and take your mind off of suicide by focusing on other things, things that you enjoy and that make you happy or used to make you happy!


when life is in discord; praise ye the Lord

keep your faith alive.
we're not alone <3
   
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Re: Tried and failed...again - June 6th 2009, 05:31 PM

99% of those things that fall apart are entirely out of my control. Like the 2 that happened this week, i got cheated on and found out a lot more serious things wrong with my car which means I will prob go further in debt or have my bike repossessed soon.

Counseling never worked. Really it just opened my mind to how pathetic I really am. I refuse to take any kind of meds because I fear I will relapse into drugs if I get my hands on them even though its been over 3 years since I quit

Generally things that made me happy are things that fell apart. I didn't have a good childhood and I had an even worse adolescence. Nothing makes me happy anymore
   
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Re: Tried and failed...again - June 7th 2009, 04:26 AM

Hi Kris,

hope you're doing okay, hun. I understand frustration with cycles - I almost gave up before because I was sick of dealing with the crashes of the one I have to deal with.

But I'm glad I didn't. Because I've found that even though waiting it out, when it comes down to that, can still be frustrating, things can go from "one step forward and two steps back" to "two steps forward and one step back" once life's footwork clicks, often randomly, at some point. I promise, you're not pathetic, and it's actually good that you're looking out for things like medical addictions.

So, if things that used to make you happy aren't working anymore, maybe try looking for new ways? Maybe see this as a chance to explore, to be creative with the colors that fill in the outlines of yourself?

Hang in there. And please take good care of yourself. I'll be thinking of you


Drown in the music,
dance in the rain,
block out the thunder,
and let the scars fade.
   
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Re: Tried and failed...again - June 7th 2009, 07:02 AM

But I've been trying to get one step ahead of my cycles for more than a decade now. It never gets better. Sure there have been a few days where I'm genuinely happy but they are only a few days until something goes wrong again and then for months and months I hate my life again.

I try so hard to change things, to better myself but I just find myself always at a lower and lower point.

What if I don't even know the outlines of myself anymore? They are gone. I have no clue who I am now and nothing makes sense in my life. I don't feel like the person in my body if that makes sense
   
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Re: Tried and failed...again - June 7th 2009, 07:31 PM

I understand what your saying. But it does get better! Even if it's just a few days of happiness for awhile, it proves the point that you be happy if you work at it. Happiness, isn't something that you just have, it's not like some people have it and some people don't. ANYBODY can be happy, but you have to work at it. It takes time to learn how to make yourself happy, but it's what you have to do.

You won't always sink lower and lower. If you hold on you will start to climb back and sure you might slide back for awhile but then you'll get right back up and try again. That's what life is about!

Sometimes we do forget who we are as a person but it doesn't mean we can't find ourselves again. That also takes time. Maybe if you get involved with different things and go out with your friends and stuff, you'll find you again!

Don't give up!


when life is in discord; praise ye the Lord

keep your faith alive.
we're not alone <3
   
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Re: Tried and failed...again - June 8th 2009, 02:55 AM

I don't know how to "learn" how to be happy. I have no clue how to reach that point where I can truly say I'm happy and free from this torment.

If that's what life is all about I want nothing to do with it.

What if the person I was is the person I am? I have been diagnosed with severe depression since I was 8. I never became someone else. This is who I am. My depression defines my life, who I am, and there's no way to find this person I once was because that person never existed
   
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Re: Tried and failed...again - June 8th 2009, 03:29 AM

No Kris, deppresion doesnt define your life or your identity. its just a wall blockin g you from your true self and your happiness. you have had many things go wrong in your life and that has stopped you from being happy but events dont define who we are, you can definaltly come out of deppresion i hear you on the medication, i hated it too and when i quit it made things worse but i have never felt more human which is good. but i really think you should talk to a counsiller, they will help you sort out your issues, maybe your holding on to your past, i know i am, but i think we just need to learn to let go and live in the present. hope things work out for you, pm me anytime
   
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Re: Tried and failed...again - June 8th 2009, 04:39 AM

I don't believe that. It's all I've ever known, it's been a major part of my life for more than half my life. It IS me. Experiences make us and events make experience so yes all the fucked up things in my past and present do also define me. And the fact they overcame me shows that I have failed.

Yes I hate drugs. They suck the life out of you. I won't even use tylenol or advil or ibuprofen anymore.

Again, counseling is not for me. Besides even if I wanted to, its not an option. I can't afford it, there's no free or low cost services in my area.

I don't hold on to my past, in fact, I do every thing in my power to forget it. There might be some things I hold onto that meant something to me at one point bur for the most part I cut ties to my past
   
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Re: Tried and failed...again - June 8th 2009, 05:16 AM

Hi Kris,

if you can't do "actual" counseling, you could maybe try calling a helpline. That's free, and still gives you a chance to work through things.

But hey, you are not depression. Yeah, it's presence in your life is a part of you, but you are way more than just what you've felt - you're what you've learned from it, what you've found you don't like and what you've found you hope for. And all the crappy stuff you've been through can actually help remind you of the strength it's taken to weather all that so far, which you can draw upon to start rebuilding who you want to be. When you don't know where the outlines of you are anymore, it means that you get to decide on new ones.

Hang in there.


Drown in the music,
dance in the rain,
block out the thunder,
and let the scars fade.
   
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Re: Tried and failed...again - June 8th 2009, 05:53 AM

I understand what all of you are saying, but I don't have any hope that'll I'll recover from anything. I don't have strength when I've skimmed the bottom my whole life. Attempting suicide twice in my life is NOT strength, using drugs for 4 years to cover things up is NOT strength, drinking heavily almost every night is NOT strength.

But there's other disorders I have that block me from becoming the person I'm dying to be. SAD is a major one. I have NO clue how to talk to someone I don't know and I've been told I come off as an asshole to people because of it even though I'm really not. I just don't know what to say, my mind freezes and often anxiety just takes over in situations like that. This IS who I am and there's no way to fix that

And on the HelpLine's, I would feel like an idiot talking on the phone to a stranger about this. I'd be completely uncomfortable and really REALLY just don't want to do that

Last edited by UnknownLife; June 8th 2009 at 05:59 AM. Reason: Multiple posts have been merged automatically.
   
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Re: Tried and failed...again - June 8th 2009, 06:30 AM

One of my favorite quotes is from a book by Charles Dickens. Newman Noggs, one of the characters, says "Never leave off hopin'. It don't answer."

Keep hoping, Kris. I have a cousin who dealt with depression in kind of a similar way, and finally after fourteen years he's finally starting to get better a little. Yeah, it's not easy and it's not a linear process, but he's trying. Which is the important thing. And another family friend who, I don't mean to be rude to him, but he kind of screwed with his family some because of how he dealt with things, was able to turn himself around. So yeah, there are parts of us that we need to work on. Everybody has those. But you know what, asking for help IS strength. Wanting to chance IS strength.

And you don't exactly know me, but I'd say you've done a pretty good job of expressing yourself. And you've actually come off pretty considerate, too. You don't have to "fix" who you are. There's a school near my house that occasionally posts quotes - one of them was "It is never to late to become who you wish to be." Just try pausing to ask yourself, "what would who I want to be do in this situation?" And in the meantime, don't forget to be proud of who you are right now.

Well, you should only do what you're comfortable with. I'll see if I can scrounge up any other ideas...

Hang in there


Drown in the music,
dance in the rain,
block out the thunder,
and let the scars fade.
   
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Re: Tried and failed...again - June 8th 2009, 06:43 AM

Hope...it's something I let go of awhile ago. I guess there is a part of me that still does, which is why I'm still here. But suffering for this long changes someone to the very core. Yea I realize that some people can turn it around but I don't know about me. My life is still crumbling, things are still getting worse. I don't want to go through this for another day much less a few years or decades.

I like how you put strength but I guess I put higher standards on myself, probably due to being raised to have high standards on myself, so I don't see that as strength for me. I can look at someone going through severe depression and tell them they have strength for fighting and I can see that strength in them, but I can't in me and for some reason I just don't believe it when others say it to me.

And I know I could change myself but I fear starting a new cycle of trying and failing in that regard so badly. I can't take another failure right now. What exactly is there to be proud of in myself at this point? I don't have much to show for in my life.
   
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Re: Tried and failed...again - June 8th 2009, 06:54 AM

Failure is not in falling. Failure is in not getting back up afterwards. So it doesn't matter how many times we fall; what's really important is how many times we brush ourselves off afterwards.

And you're still here, and asking for help, so I'd say you're at least getting by in that area.

I know that things can feel so hopeless, unsolvable sometimes. There was a point where I was sick of having to just push through things while feeling like nothing came of it and things only got worse. I almost copped out, too - but I'm glad I got through one more day. Yeah, there are still times where I have to trudge through darkness again, but I've found that there are times, too, where the stars come out and lighten things, even if just for a little while. And that makes it totally worth it.

Realize that you are good enough, Kris. Just as you are. And for changing, reaching those higher standards - maybe try picking just one thing, and thinking of one or two practical things you could, do, practical simple things, to help work towards that. Once your current level of awesomeness in that area has proceeded to one more satisfactory to you, work on another aspect. Eventually, you won't necessarily have to consciously try - you'll just grow all on your own.

Be proud of yourself, Kris. You have you to show for your life. A life to show for your life. And a future. That really is something.

Hang in there


Drown in the music,
dance in the rain,
block out the thunder,
and let the scars fade.
   
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Re: Tried and failed...again - June 8th 2009, 07:11 AM

Thanks dancer. You've made me feel a little bit better than I have been

I just don't know if I can pick myself up this time. I mean the girl of my dreams someone I have been madly in love with for almost 3 years has cheated and lied to me so much the past few months. I ended it a few days ago for good and I feel like shit. I hate myself for it. I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel on this one. Not to mention all the other things and people I've lost in the past 6 months that have meant everything to me. It just hurts so bad. I mean back in January of this year, I honestly thought I was finally happy I had everything, then it ALL got taken away one at a time. Everything I cared about just gone. I don't know why I just said that or where it came from. Sorry that rant was kinda random
   
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Re: Tried and failed...again - June 8th 2009, 07:28 AM

*hugs happily* I'm glad you're feeling a little better Try to keep your chin up - things will keep getting better

Random rants are perfectly okay I'm sorry to hear about what happened with the girl - but don't hate yourself for what happened. In fact, you should be proud of doing what was best for you. You deserve to be with someone who you not only like but who also likes you and shows you that in her actions overall. I know my aunt - well, she's not technically biologically my aunt, but I have a rather complicated family tree, so we'll just go with "aunt" for now - a few years ago she and my uncle divorced because my uncle cheated on her. For a while, she was really down. But now she's actually found someone who really does appreciate her, and she seem so much happier with him. I know things really suck when rough stuff happens all at once - but one thing at a time, things will start looking up. Remember to take good care of you, and things that might feel so crumpled right now will smooth themselves out in following.

Hang in there, Kris


Drown in the music,
dance in the rain,
block out the thunder,
and let the scars fade.
   
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Re: Tried and failed...again - June 8th 2009, 07:35 AM

I just don't know if I can pick myself up this time. I'm left so empty inside. And I don't have the people or things that used to give me hope and motivation anymore. I just don't know where to look or where to turn. It seems I always come here, but I hate just coming here for help. I don't like taking help from people when I can't do anything in return
   
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Re: Tried and failed...again - June 8th 2009, 07:43 AM

Kris, don't ever hesitate to come here for help. Trying to take care of yourself is enough of a return, the consideration and thoughtfulness that you show is enough of a return, and honestly the best return is trying to make the most of happiness in your life.

Or you could just say thank you (which you have ) That always works, too

Kris, I know that you can pick yourself up this time. There were a few months for me, too, where it was like every loss and shock came at once, and I felt so emotionally bent over double I wasn't sure how I was ever going to be able to straighten things out.

But you can do it. Yeah, it might be hard - but hard is not impossible. Now, in rebuilding, you have the chance to make something even bigger, more beautiful than before. Where there are empty spaces you get to fill them with new forms of affirmation, new characteristics, new abilities, new people, new things that help you to be happy.

You can do this, Kris. I know you can.

Hang in there


Drown in the music,
dance in the rain,
block out the thunder,
and let the scars fade.
   
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Re: Tried and failed...again - June 9th 2009, 05:36 AM

So tonight was absolutely the worst night of my life. I doubt I'll make it through the night. I hate myself. I'm a fuck up. I deserve to die
   
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