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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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Post So sick of everything - June 15th 2009, 11:39 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I'm so sick of this life. I'm not going anywhere and nothing seems worth living for. I feel like everything I do isn't good enough and I seriously think that no one would really miss me if I just died.

I wish I was dead and buried a long time ago, actually I wish I died the first time I tried to kill myself. I know it's the cowards way out, but I've tried so hard to live and work out my problems, but I just can't. All my psyhchologists and counselors have been jerks and I haven't been able to talk honestly to anyone of them.

I'm going crazy here. I want to cut all the time, and when I do it's never enough. I have trouble to keep cutting and being suicidal two diffrent things, making it hard everytime I cut because I might go to far. I suffer from insomnia, and when I do sleep I have awful nightmares. Sometimes I feel like I'm not controling my own body, like I just sit there and watch. I sometimes hear noises that isn't real, especially when I'm tired or stressed. I'm so scared of what is happening to me. I'm diognised as depressed and social anxiety, but I don't think these things goes under those.

Everyone think I'm back to being all happy happy, that nothing is wrong and that I'm not struggeling with depression, sleep and all the other crap. I realise that I really should be a actress, I mean, I'm so good to act that no one sees anything. Blah, people is so blind!!!!!!


(Sorry for ranting, and the bad spelling.)
   
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Re: So sick of everything - June 15th 2009, 11:53 PM

Hi Sasha

I'm so sick of this life. I'm not going anywhere and nothing seems worth living for. I feel like everything I do isn't good enough and I seriously think that no one would really miss me if I just died.

Im sorry to hear what you are going through & how you are feeling. Depression is a bitch. BUT you made the first positive step...realising you have a problem & posting a thread. Most people get sick of life at one point, people think they cant be worth anything or that no-one will miss them whilst they are gone. Well I have to say that, thats not how suicide works. You a special. You have qualities that you may not have found, but they are there in your body just waiting to come out. Let them. Dont think that no-one would miss you, thats not true. Suicide has a horrid effect, a good friend of mine commited suicide, it was horrible. So please, just think of it as if you were on the other end.

I wish I was dead and buried a long time ago, actually I wish I died the first time I tried to kill myself. I know it's the cowards way out, but I've tried so hard to live and work out my problems, but I just can't. All my psyhchologists and counselors have been jerks and I haven't been able to talk honestly to anyone of them.

You tried to kill yourself once & failed...but in that sign you succeeded. You succeeded & won your life. Your also correct, it is the cowards way out, but its not cowardly to think of suicide, its not your fault. Could you get a new counsellor, one of whom you could rely on? Surely if you dont get on with one, you could get on with another.

I'm going crazy here. I want to cut all the time, and when I do it's never enough. I have trouble to keep cutting and being suicidal two diffrent things, making it hard everytime I cut because I might go to far. I suffer from insomnia, and when I do sleep I have awful nightmares. Sometimes I feel like I'm not controling my own body, like I just sit there and watch. I sometimes hear noises that isn't real, especially when I'm tired or stressed. I'm so scared of what is happening to me. I'm diognised as depressed and social anxiety, but I don't think these things goes under those.

Your not going crazy, wanting to cut, is not crazy, its a coping mechanism. If you dont cut, how do you feel?
It must be hard for you, trying not to keep your cutting under control...you deserve to be proud. However, if you feel the need to cut, dont get angry or upset, its just a relapse.
If you do not agree with the diagnosis been given, you can always get a second opinion.

Everyone think I'm back to being all happy happy, that nothing is wrong and that I'm not struggeling with depression, sleep and all the other crap. I realise that I really should be a actress, I mean, I'm so good to act that no one sees anything. Blah, people is so blind!!!!!!

I know what its like to be happy chappy all the time. Its like you have to smile every where you go & everyone you meet. Sometimes you dont even realise you are doing it.I was fine today untill about 5pm when I started to feel crap. But I just stuck a smile on & bullshitted my way through. Do you think it would help if you talked to a relative or close friend & tell them exactly what is going on....that would be a weight of your back & leave you a bit more freedom with how you really feel.


Anyway, if you want to talk my inbox is always open.

Please take care

You are a special person whom I believe can pull through

Jamie
xx


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Re: So sick of everything - June 16th 2009, 12:12 AM

Hey Sasha,

I am so sorry that you are feeling so down at the moment but please don't give up because it isn't worth it. I am sure that someone would miss you if you were gone; your parents, your siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles, friends?

Those feelings that you are having: nothing you do being good enough, feeling like no one cares is the depression talking not you, really. The sadness you are suffering from is making you feel low and doubt yourself.

You said you tried to kill yourself but you failed. You should try to look at that as a positive thing(I know that is hard) because you are still here to live and fight and overcome this depression. One day, once this is behind you, you will look back and be able to say 'I beat the depression and I feel so thankful and good!' If you were to kill yourself you wouldn't have the ability to say that.

Maybe you should try finding another psychologist/counselor. Sometimes it takes a while to find the right one but once you do it can help. I for one know this because recently I had to look for a new therapist and I went through 2 people before I found my current one and she was found on accident, really. Anyway, what I am saying is don't give up because the therapists you have/had were jerks; instead look for a new one until you find the right one. Because there really are some good therapists out there.

Wanting to cut doesn't make you crazy, like the poster above me said: 'it is a coping mechanism' so in all reality it is reasonable(not good though) that you want to cut because you are trying to find a way to cope with all these feelings that are coming at you.

The noises and stuff you are hearing could be because of the stress and what not you are feeling(I am not a doctor so I can't say for sure) but sometimes when people have really bad depression that can happen, I know someone it happened to and they got the right help and the right medicine and are doing pretty good. As for the watching yourself thing, that too can be from the depression, I know it happened to me. Even though you do not really like the doctors you have you should really try telling them about all this so that they could, hopefully, better help you.

Having to fake happiness all the time definitely sucks and I am sorry that you have to do it. But, maybe you shouldn't. Maybe you should talk to people you feel close to, family members or friends, tell them how you feel and tell them you aren't all 'happy' again. In order for people to know what is going on with you you have to talk and tell them. Also, talking to people might help you realize how much people really do care about you.

I hoped this helped in someway and if you need someone to talk to feel free to pm or aim me.


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Re: So sick of everything - June 16th 2009, 06:01 PM

I know that suicide is horrible, I've lost one friend to it eight months ago. And that doesen't make my depression better. But why should I live? I have nothing. Why should I live to please everyone else? I'm not going to another therapist, I don't trust them, and I can't afford one anyway. I've been like this for years, going back and forht from therapist to therapist. I've tried suicide more than once, but have only been once in a mental hospital, always manages to talk myself out of going. I can't go long without selfharming, it's on my mind all the time, but when I go awhile without cutting I have more panic attacks, sleep worse, and well in general have it worse than i have when I do cut. I'm too afraid to find out if my resent problems comes from my depression or not, my mom is bipolar and I'm so afraid of becoming like her.
   
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Re: So sick of everything - June 16th 2009, 07:21 PM

Sasha,

Please don't give up! Keep going to therapists and trying to find the right one because eventually you will find someone who you are compatable with. If money is an issue tell the therapist and, usually, they are willing to help out by lowering their payments or letting you skip payments or something. You can get through this just don't give up!

You know, even if you were bipolar that doesn't mean you would be like your mom. First of all people respond differently to bipolar; so the way your mom is as a bipolar person might be completely different from how you are. Secondly, with the right treatment(which you can find) you can live a normal life with bipolar(I do).

Please stay strong and if you need someone to talk to feel free to pm or aim me.


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