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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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silentmuffin Offline
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She's dying and I'm dying - June 15th 2009, 11:44 PM

I apologize that this will be long, but I need to get the whole story out.

My grandmother has cancer and is basically here at home with us waiting to die. I take care of her during the day while my mom's at work, and I think it's really getting to me. It's not like taking care of her is a burden, it's just the whole situation is tearing me apart.

I'm having anxiety attacks or something, every time I hear (or think I hear) a sound ANYWHERE, even when I'm not at home, I'm terrified it's my grandmother yelling for me.

She was doing really bad this last week and kept telling me she was going to die. I'm really close with her and she's pretty much my best friend, so needless to say this was almost unbearable for me. But what's even worse is that now that she's gotten a little better, I don't feel better about it. I feel sort of like I wish she would just die.

And that makes me feel like such a horrible person. For one, I don't want to have to go through the emotions I felt last week. But more than that, I think I've got it in my head that when she finally dies, I'll be justified for feeling so shitty lately and for not doing anything, not having a job, and wanting everyone's pity. Because right now no one seems to understand how hard it is for me just knowing that she's gonna be gone by Christmas.

I've convinced myself that once she dies, I'll be able to be a total wreck and everyone will come comfort me. I know this is in no way what's going to happen and I know that when she does die, I won't give a shit about who comes to let me cry on their shoulder and I'll have so many regrets for feeling like I wanted her gone, but my brain just doesn't care. When I thought she was going to die last week, I couldn't even find it in me to talk to the one person who I think I desperately want by my side. So I know that when she dies I'm just going to lock myself in my room and cry and want nothing to do with anyone. So why can't I stop this insane resentment for her being around and this sick desire for her to die so I can get the pity?

The fact that she's dying is depressing me. The fact that my mom is falling apart is depressing me. The fact that I feel these horrible feelings and can't even feel grateful that she's still alive makes me think I don't even deserve to live. I don't know what to do. I feel like if I go out on a limb and open up to someone, they're either going to think I'm overreacting or they're going to fuel the fire and I'll just be waiting for her to die that much more to get every possible ounce of sympathy from them. What the fuck is wrong with me?


Aš tave myliu, Nanny. I'm carrying your love with me.
   
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Re: She's dying and I'm dying - June 16th 2009, 05:14 AM

Hi Lyndsay,

there's nothing wrong with you.

I understand how you feel. For the past few years, I've been visiting the nuns in the infirmary at my school, and one in particular had become a sort of grandmother/mentor to me. Last year, she was put on hospice, and I tried to keep visiting her, but it was really hard, seeing her slip and having her tell me that something hurt and that she was ready to go. I loved her deeply, but the strain was horrible. I think sometimes people do need a hug. It's not wrong to want to be comforted when you're going through an obviously hard time. When the nun did finally pass, I was both torn up and almost relieved, and I felt like a horrible person for the last part, because I kept wondering whether I was just "glad about not having to go up there (I have to walk up steps to get to the infirmary) as much." But no. I think I was just really relieved that what had been a painful situation for a lot of people wasn't going on anymore.

So, I guess, don't be afraid to ask for help. With whatever - emotional support, getting certain things done, having someone to listen. Wanting sympathy, when you're still caring about what's going on with other people, which it seems like you are, is okay. We're meant to support each other. Right now it seems like your hands are busy supporting your mom and grandmother. Don't be afraid to ask for a hand in supporting you, too.

Hang in there.


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dance in the rain,
block out the thunder,
and let the scars fade.
   
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