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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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Don't Understand - June 18th 2009, 06:25 AM

Seriously fuck life. There's no good in it. All there is and all there will ever be is hurt and pain and suffering. So why can't I just do it???? I hate myself. I hate my life. I don't want to change anymore. I just want to die
   
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Re: Don't Understand - June 18th 2009, 06:28 AM

Hey,

Calm down.
What's the problem?

Life hurts, yes. But life is also beautiful and you just have to stick through the bad to see the good. Life has good in it, there are so many good things for you to look forward too!

If you keep telling yourself that theres no good in life, then you'll continue believe that. Why not try telling yourself that things change and life get's better and that you will have sooo many good experiences out of life. Yes, bad things happen, it will never be perfect but it will be perfect.

Why don't you want to change?
If you wanna talk, pm me <3


when life is in discord; praise ye the Lord

keep your faith alive.
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Re: Don't Understand - June 18th 2009, 06:35 AM

Hey Kris,

take a deep breath. Sounds like things are feeling really tough right now - but we'll work it out. Because yeah, life does suck sometimes - but not all the time. And yes, you can make pain stop - but that doesn't mean that you have to stop along with it. You just have to find what healthy coping method works best for you, which can sometimes just take a while.

Anything in particular that's been frustrating?

Hang in there.


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Re: Don't Understand - June 18th 2009, 06:35 AM

Because things DON'T change. I've been trying so FUCKING HARD for 11 years to beat this. I just don't care. I feel so fucking used. So beat down. I have seen NOTHING beautiful in my life. Nothing. There's no hope for me.

See. Why the FUCK did I run here again???? I don't get it. I deserve to die. It's my fate
   
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Re: Don't Understand - June 18th 2009, 06:38 AM

Kris,

you don't deserve to die. Nobody deserves to die. Especially if you've been trying to change - you deserve to see how those efforts are going to pay off. Because they will.

And hey, you should be proud of yourself for asking for help.

What about sunsets? Laughter? Friends? Rain puddles to splash in? Random moments that make us smile appreciatively or just double over laughing? The times people've said "good job" or "thank you?"

What have you tried? We'll see if we can come up with some more ideas, maybe.

Hang in there.


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block out the thunder,
and let the scars fade.
   
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Re: Don't Understand - June 18th 2009, 06:39 AM

There's always hope.
Even we don't see it.
Even if you haven't felt okay in over eleven years, THINGS CHANGE.
I've known people who have messed up the last twenty years of their lives and then turn around and love life.

You don't deserve to die, you deserve to live and get help.
It's not you're fate to die right now.

Why not try to talking to a counselor or somebody?


when life is in discord; praise ye the Lord

keep your faith alive.
we're not alone <3
   
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Re: Don't Understand - June 18th 2009, 06:43 AM

I am a failure. I tried and I failed. It's the PERFECT word to describe my POS life. I do deserve to die. I've done NOTHING to deserve a life.

I don't have any feelings toward things like that anymore. There are 2 things in my life. Myself and my depression.

Those are empty words expressed to me. Nothing of value.

I've tried everything. But not again. I'm not doing this again

There's noone to talk to. I'm completely alone in my cold dead life. Who would give a shit anyway? The second they knew my life they'd understand why I deserve death

Last edited by UnknownLife; June 18th 2009 at 06:44 AM. Reason: Multiple posts have been merged automatically.
   
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Re: Don't Understand - June 18th 2009, 06:47 AM

You're not a failure.
If you keep thinking these about yourself then this is what happens.
It's hard to think positive thoughts when you feel so negative but why not try and replacing the negative thoughts with positive words about yourself? It's worth a try. After awhile, you will see a change because words are powerful and they can make or break a person.

if you keep repeating the negative words then you are going to be negative and have negative reactions. if you speak positive then you will be positive and therefore have positive reactions.

i'm not saying that it'll be easy but nothing good in life comes without a fight. you can't give up now, you've been fighting too long for that. things will change, you have to believe that.


when life is in discord; praise ye the Lord

keep your faith alive.
we're not alone <3
   
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Re: Don't Understand - June 18th 2009, 06:51 AM

There's nothing positive to say. There REALLY isn't.

Yea well I fought and nothing good came anyway. So now I just give up
   
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Re: Don't Understand - June 18th 2009, 06:52 AM

Yes, there is.
Even if it's a simple, "I'm not a failure"

Something good will come from it someday, it will.
Don't give up, nothing good ever comes from giving up, i know that.


when life is in discord; praise ye the Lord

keep your faith alive.
we're not alone <3
   
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Re: Don't Understand - June 18th 2009, 06:56 AM

Something good does come from it. It stops ALL of this shit. It ends this pain for forever. I will NEVER think these thoughts again. I will be gone. Those are good things
   
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Re: Don't Understand - June 18th 2009, 07:00 AM

But then you miss out on all the other good things that would've come from sticking it out. Because eventually, the pain will end, and you'll be able to breathe again. And anyway, for getting out of hurting - the best way out is through.

There are other ways to stop suicidal thoughts. Have you tried talking to a doctor or counselor about how you're feeling?

And you being gone would not be a good thing. Because you still get to be someone. And we need that someone to stick around and be himself, because nobody else is going to be him.


Drown in the music,
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Re: Don't Understand - June 18th 2009, 07:01 AM

No there not.
Then you won't get to ever experience the good things.
Besides you don't know for sure that if you give up things will end....
what if something went wrong as well and you ended up in worse shape?


when life is in discord; praise ye the Lord

keep your faith alive.
we're not alone <3
   
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Re: Don't Understand - June 18th 2009, 07:07 AM

Oh I'm gonna finish myself off. I have plenty of ways to do it right beside. Combine them all together as planned and I WILL die
   
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Re: Don't Understand - June 18th 2009, 07:08 AM

Please don't do this.
Think about it, there is so much good stuff that life has to offer.
why not call a suicide hotline or check yourself into a local hospital?
it culd help.


when life is in discord; praise ye the Lord

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Re: Don't Understand - June 18th 2009, 07:10 AM

How about a new list, then? The often more challenging but always more worthwhile lists are the ones of reasons to live and ways to do that. I know that you said that you've tried a lot of things, but could you tell us specifically what? We might be able to help out more if we knew what we don't need to suggest again.


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Re: Don't Understand - June 18th 2009, 07:16 AM

There just isn't a reason. I have no one. I have nothing. I don't even have myself anymore.

Talking to friends, that aren't around anymore. Talkung to youth leader, gave up on me. Talking to counselor, made me feel like an idiot. Tryin anything and everything to make this life make sense but it just doesn't.

Fuck the hotlines. They won't be of any help
   
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Re: Don't Understand - June 18th 2009, 07:23 AM

Actually, the hotlines can be surprisingly helpful. I've actually called a few. The first one I called wasn't so helpful for me, but the second one, Hopeline (1-800-442-HOPE) was actually pretty helpful, and helped me come up with new ways to tackle how I was feeling and what was going on when I had exhausted everything else that I, the school counselor, and another counselor could think of. So you might try.

Not all counselors are the best for everyone. You could try looking for a different counselor, one that you click with better, because you'll probably get farther with someone you feel more comfortable around.

And hey, you have us. Because people do care about you here. And - I understand what it feels like to lose yourself. For a while, I kind of "didn't have myself anymore" either. But as long as you're around - you can refind yourself. Or, if not "go back" to how you were, go forward and become something even bigger. When you've lost yourself, you get the chance to redefine yourself in the remaking. Who do you want to be? What do you want to do? What do you believe in? Those are things that you'll always have.


Drown in the music,
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and let the scars fade.
   
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Re: Don't Understand - June 18th 2009, 07:27 AM

Well counseling is completely out of my ability to get since I was laid off today.

What if I don't want to be?? I'm not worth this. I don't want to be anything or anyone aymore. I've given up on that
   
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Re: Don't Understand - June 18th 2009, 07:34 AM

Not being able to pay or something doesn't have to be an obstacle. A therapist that I once went to told me that she didn't want cost to be the reason I couldn't come to her. So, if you find a counselor that you like, you could always try to work something out. And phone calls to helplines like Hopeline are basically free.

Not wanting to be and not wanting hurt while being aren't the same thing. And while it might feel tiring right now, you can get to a point where you'll be without hurting - where you'll even be happy. You don't need to give up. Because trust me, you are freaking worth it.


Drown in the music,
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and let the scars fade.
   
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Re: Don't Understand - June 18th 2009, 07:40 AM

I won't find that here. There's not many choices and co counselor here would do that.

I CANNOT go through the shit to get there anymore. Even then its not guranteed. Knowing me I would fail AGAIN. Its just time I really fail
   
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Re: Don't Understand - June 18th 2009, 07:47 AM

Kris, it's not time for anything. Even when it doesn't seem like there's any other option, there always is. And have you tried every counselor where you are? You might find one that'll work.

Sometimes, it's not shit, the work involved to shrug off past pain and hurt. At first, once you find the method that'll work for you, it might be difficult, like anything is when you first start out, but eventually working to be happy gets easier - which is how it's supposed to be. Being happy isn't something that necessarily has to be reached by grueling effort; it can smaller, lighter brightness too.


Drown in the music,
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and let the scars fade.
   
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Re: Don't Understand - June 18th 2009, 06:04 PM

Hey,

If you can't see a counselor because of money issues I can understand that. But you said something about a youth leader....I doubt they gave up on you sometimes people just don't know what to do. But I am sure they really do care about you, why not at least give him/her a shot? Like I said there is always hope.

You won't fail again and even if you do get back up and try again, that's what life is about! [:


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we're not alone <3
   
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Re: Don't Understand - June 18th 2009, 06:34 PM

Hey Kris,

I am so sorry things are going so badly at the moment. The fact that you posted this shows that you want some type of help; shows that a small part of you still wants to hold on.

If you can't afford a counselor right now there are some different options you could look into. They might not amount to anything but DON'T give up until you've exhausted all options. The first thing you could do is call around to some counselors and ask them if they would be willing to work with you until you were able to find a job and pay them. A lot of counselors are very willing to work with their patients because they know how much they need their sessions and they know how tough times can be, especially right now. Secondly, if that doesn't turn up anything go down to your county mental health center and talk to the people there. They might be able to give you some names of counselors who would be willing to see you for cheap or free OR they might be able to see you.

Please Kris do not give up because you can get through this. You said that 'knowing me I would fail again' but when it comes to life and depression people always have their ups and downs. The most important thing is that they never give up. If you give up you are letting the depression beat you and you said you have been fighting this for 11 years, why let win after 11 years? I know you must be tired but don't let this thing beat you because YOU are STRONGER than IT. And, you know how I know that? Because of the fact that you have been fighting it for so long and haven't given up. Kris, you can beat this, just keep on fighting strong.

I hope you read this and I hope it helps somewhat and if you need someone to talk to feel free to pm or aim me.


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Re: Don't Understand - June 19th 2009, 05:53 AM

I officially GIVE UP. Today I was diagnosed with testicular cancer. REALLY JUST FUCKING KILL ME. This is FUCKING stupid. I HATE my FUCKING WORTHLESS life.

EXACTLY like I said, EVERY fucking turn I make is ALWAYS for the worst. Just FUCK it
   
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Re: Don't Understand - June 19th 2009, 05:54 AM

don't give up.
i'm sorry about what happened today, but it's beatable.
your life is not worthless ]=


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Re: Don't Understand - June 19th 2009, 05:57 AM

Kris,

*hugs*

I'm so sorry to hear about what happened today - but you can beat cancer. You can get through this. And we're here at least as morale support. Always.

You don't need to give up. Kris, you can be a victor, not a victim of the bad that happens in your life.

'Cause you're life is way worth it. You're way worth it. You deserve to be a fighter.

Hang in there.


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Re: Don't Understand - June 19th 2009, 05:58 AM

I understand the cancer is beatable, easily actually but its the fact that this always fucking happens. I decide not to off myself for what to find this out. WTF is wrong with this world?????

I do give up. It has beaten me. This time I WILL stay down. Not even gonna try anymore
   
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Re: Don't Understand - June 19th 2009, 06:00 AM

but this won't always happen. bad things happen, sometimes back to back to back but it doesn't mean that things won't change, things can always change. don't give up! don't stay down, GET UP. people will be happy to help you stand on your feet. you'll be okayy. (:


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Re: Don't Understand - June 19th 2009, 06:03 AM

Who??? I tried to get some friends together tonight to tell them. What happened??? I got ditched like every other fucking time. I ended up sitting by myself for a hour waiting. They wouldn't even have the decency to pick up the fucking phone after doing that

It REALLY doesn't matter if I die. NO ONE will give a SHIT
   
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Re: Don't Understand - June 19th 2009, 06:05 AM

Kris!

Sorry, but you're not allowed to give up.

Yeah, bad things happen to people who it seems like they shouldn't. And it sucks. But those who experience trial know strength in a way that those who have never had to deal with hardship can't.

And happiness, when they do find it, is sweeter for the effort it took to get there.

Keep at it - things will get better! Sometimes, when we're stuck in the dark, light just seems a long time in dawning.

Hang in there.

I'm sorry to hear about your friends not acting like friends. You deserve to be with people who remind you that you matter.

And hey, I'd care. I do care what happens to you. I know I'm a random person and everything, but I still care.


Drown in the music,
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Last edited by dancer; June 19th 2009 at 06:07 AM. Reason: Multiple posts have been merged automatically.
   
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Re: Don't Understand - June 19th 2009, 06:07 AM

It does too matter.
I'm sorry you're friends ditched you, is it possible something happened to were they couldn't come?
Somebody would care, don't believe that somebody wouldn't. I've seen people torn apart because of suicide and those people didn't think anybody cared but guess what a lot of people did. You will hurt somebody. What about family, other friends... anybody else... I'll care.


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Re: Don't Understand - June 19th 2009, 06:15 AM

Maybe these things should happen to me. Maybe I'm destined to NEVER be happy. Where's the strength?? I've tried to kill myself twice. I've hated just about EVERY waking moment of my life.

No this always happens. I have no actual friends just people that use me.

Family...they wouldn't even know if I was dead or not. Haven't spoken to them for a while now.

My "girlfriend"...she'd feel sorry for herself because she lost the person that makes her feel good about herself and gets sex from. Other than that, she wouldn't care about actually losing ME. Hell I tried to tell her about what I found out today but she wouldn't talk to me because she was with her "friend"

God just fuck my life
   
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Re: Don't Understand - June 19th 2009, 06:21 AM

Kris,

I promise, you are not destined to never be happy. I promise-promise-promise. And bad things should NOT happen to you. Hang in there - good things will eventually get a roadmap and figure out where they're supposed to be.

I have a friend who's tried to kill herself before, too, and she's one of the strongest people I know. Our weaknesses do not make us not strong. They just give us something to fight against to help us grow.

Is there anyway you could maybe hang out with some other people? Not everybody will just use you - and you deserve to find the people who will actually show you that they appreciate you.

Maybe try talking to your family? Support is really important when dealing with things.


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Re: Don't Understand - June 19th 2009, 06:27 AM

I dont see happiness ever coming to me. It won't It's something thats unreachable to me.

Ok. SHE is strong. SHE beat it. I have not

Who?? I have SAD also. I do not know how to talk to people I don't know

I HATE my family...actually thats a huge understatement.
   
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Re: Don't Understand - June 19th 2009, 06:35 AM

I think one of the points of life is that people can't see what's actually coming. We just kind of have to take it as it comes - and be surprised when what comes turns out to be really nice. I've found that the things that have helped me to get better have typically come unexpectedly.

Kris, you're still here, aren't you? And yeah, she still deals with feeling down. But she's not giving up anymore. And she's kept me from giving up before, too.

Stick around, and you might do that for somebody, too.

And you can always at least hang on for yourself.

Hmm... would easing yourself slowly into a social situation be helpful at all? Like, by taking a class or something having to do with one of your hobbies? Then, you don't actually have to talk to people right away, but as you get more comfortable being around them you can start a casual conversation with them. Friendships can deepen from casual connections.

Sorry to hear that thing's aren't so great with your family But is there anyone, even some sort of teacher or a friend's parent, you could ask to help be there for you right now?


Drown in the music,
dance in the rain,
block out the thunder,
and let the scars fade.
   
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Re: Don't Understand - June 19th 2009, 06:52 AM

I don't really want to wait for that and even if I did there's no gurantee things will be better.

Again, I still don't see the strength in my failures

I doubt that. My friend killed himself last year and I couldn't stop him

I don't really have any hobbies besides working on cars and racing motorcycles. I've tried to get in with some people but it just never works. I can't get myself to open up.

I'm not in school anymore and I don't know any friends parents. I'm all alone in this besides you guys but thats different
   
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Re: Don't Understand - June 19th 2009, 06:57 AM

*hugs*

I'm sorry to hear about your friend. That's always hard to go through.

You don't have to open up all at once. Maybe try starting out slowly - your name is typically a good place to start. Don't worry about having to share something personal; maybe see if you can start a conversation where you can talk about something else, something outward (for example, the weather - really generic, but you get what sort of topic), rather than something about yourself. As relationships grow, trusting and opening up on the basis of that trust gets easier.


Drown in the music,
dance in the rain,
block out the thunder,
and let the scars fade.
   
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Re: Don't Understand - June 19th 2009, 07:15 AM

just by coming to TH it proves that you want the help, that you want to fight this depression

im sorry and i know life is very hard, i send hugs! the only thing about life on TH is that i love is that we fight the urge of suicide to LIVE. we fight to prove people, ideas, things, or even yourself wrong-that we can and will live on. i'm sorry that your life isn't great, BUT there are ways to help. have you considered going and checking yourself into a hospital?
about your girlfriend, maybe just ask her 'i really need to talk to you about my life right now, it would mean a lot to me' or something to get her to sit down so she can listen.
talk to people, dont pent it up and then just beat yourself up over this. TH is a great way to let it out, but there is only so much we can say here to help
in terms of your cancer, i am very sorry. but fight it, you know you can.
i hope this helps at least a little bit
feel free to PM me anytime
Stay Strong!


Leave the past behind, just walk away
When it's over, and the heart break
And the cracks begin to show

*~*~This little girl was alone in the world~*~*
Hold Onto Hope
   
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Re: Don't Understand - June 19th 2009, 07:16 AM

I can't do that though. Anxiety takes over, I clam. I can't get one word outta my mouth.
   
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