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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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asdfjkl Offline
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Just tired - June 18th 2009, 06:39 AM

Long post is long.

Um I basically lost most of my friends when I left my old highschool. What happened was we were on a school campout and some of us left the dorms and blew up cans of aerosol, which melted on one of the cabins. The Principal must've had a nervous breakdown or something recently cause he started accusing people of arson and told the parents the same. I didn't know there was any damage at the time so I just assumed I'd committed arson. I got suspended for the first time in my life, which was unfortunate for me as I was a senior and was taking lots of math/science courses.

That's probably how it all started. I was pushing too hard. I had been in school for the past 2 and a half years continuously. Summers included. Up until highschool I wasn't concerned about school (unless I was in trouble I guess). I didn't really get along with my Dad. I had a somewhat violent childhood-preteens I guess. I wasn't exactly popular in my school. I was a bit quiet and usually just pissed off. I spent all highschool trying to make up for it. That summer I tried taking a 5 month math course in 3 weeks. Didn't go well.

So you could guess that having all of my hard work go to waste was a bit of a setback see. So when we went on the campout I was stressed out and needed to unwind.

So after I got back home I still thought I had burned down half a cabin. It occurred to me that I might not see my school again. At this point I started feeling depressed. What was supposed to be a 2 day suspension became "oh well that was to determine what the punishment should be", and it went on until I missed 3 weeks of class. A death sentence in Grade 12.

Anyways we sent a letter to the camp director and he said if I spent the weekend working we'd call it fair. The last day of working I saw the deck. Not only was it completely repaired, it looked like a piece of plastic had melted on it, but the wood was intact (we put the aerosol in cans so it didn't damage anything. Apparently worked). I was pretty mad because I knew the whole school thought I was some kind of pyro-maniac trying to destroy society or something.

A few days after I had to speak to the superintendent. For the life of me I thought he looked like a giant rat. I was nervous to begin with but this guy was trying to get a reaction of some kind. Apparently I wasn't giving it. So after awhile they decided that "fixing the damage to the property wasn't good enough, you needed to fix the damage to the school's reputation". The problem was that there had been multiple acts of vandalism that weekend:

- The untying of a barge which drifted down the river. The propeller thankfully wasn't damaged.
- Launching of all the canoes, kyaks, paddles, and life jackets.
- Defacing of the camp founder's memorial. Was fabric and couldn't be cleaned.
- Setting of fires inside the change rooms and in the foyer.
- I personally blew up 2 cans of aersol. (one beside a cabin and one in a field).

And I was the only one who came forward. So I was basically taking the blame for the whole thing. The superintendent concluded that:

1. I needed to make a public apology for what I did at the next school gathering.

2. Needed to do classroom meetings for elementary and junior high students about "fire safety".

3. Was not allowed to talk about "my version" of the incidents to other students or make light of it in any way.

I wasn't going to do any of that. At this point I was being blamed for things I didn't do even though I had gone and "done my time".

I literally wanted to die at this point. I knew I was screwed. You can't just make up a month's worth of Calculus, Physics, and Chemistry. (My teacher I think was pretty pissed at me and I think he was delaying giving me my missed homework). If I had a gun I'd have just blown out my brains.

So my parents said it was time to leave my school (I'd been there about 12 years since its K - 12). My parents disliked the place to begin with, and this was the final straw. My old school was out of town to begin with so this was sort of a leg up. I went to my the school which was in my district. It was 2.5 months into the semester (about 1/3) and I was a mess. I had missed a unit in 2 classes and 2 in another. Maybe if I hadn't been doing math that summer, and wasn't alone in a new school, and ready to just quit breathing I would have been able to do it. Math physics and chemistry is a bad idea at the same time to begin with. I didn't have a chance.

I had to take a math test 3 days after I arrived. I hadn't seen the unit before. I failed that one. Physics was good. Chemistry was just impossible. I was bad at it to begin with. I might have done better if I just put the whole issue behind me but that is physically impossible and anyone who says otherwise hasn't tried it. I was mad at my school during the day and depressed at night. Thinking about death actually made me feel better.

I honestly studied all lunch hour for a month. I hadn't seen any of the people from my school once, I stopped volunteering at church. People we're emailing me wondering where I was. I wasn't coming back. I did try to put the best face on the situation as I could. I told people I was fine and I liked where I was (under different circumstances this was true). After failing a math test I actually cried. Alone in my room. I hadn't cried since I was 8 or something before that. That night for the first time, not being alive actually felt like a good option.

Term 2 was even worse than term 1. I was more or less a recluse at this point. I didn't talk to people and they didn't talk to me. I used to have a sense of humor but I don't think I made one joke in that 5 months. I felt like a pariah wherever I went. I mean I'm athletic. Not ugly. But I was dead inside. My mom felt sorry for me, my Dad was angry most of the time around me.

About my Dad. We have almost no relationship. My whole childhood he was physically and mentally abusive to our whole family. But most of the physical part was against me. A belt, a piece of metal, wood etc. I really can't remember what it was I did but we seriously cannot talk to each other. I try to pretend to sometimes but it doesn't work.

My sister went to a therapist for awhile because she had her own problems. After she told her about me she said she would give our whole family group sessions for free . Unfortunately we had 1 vehicle so it never happened.

Eventually my Dad said I should take the SAT and go to school in the U.S. After seeing your whole life and future plans burn up in a single day you are more open minded. I unfortunately had to miss regular school to prepare for it. This lowered my average a few percent. I got 1760 on it luckily.

Grade 12 ended with no serious issues but that summer I fell back into old habits and started doing a physics class (since it hadn't gone well during highschool). I did only marginally better. I feel about 3 percent short of getting admitted into the University I wanted, so I had to take my classes at a shitty off campus building with other retards. I really only did it so I would feel like I had some purpose left. It was dead end classes. They didn't offer any math or science courses, basically meaning I wasted my whole highschool life going to tutors trying to get above 80 on my tests for nothing. So I just completely slacked off because I didn't care anymore. I honestly wanted to be dead. Still do almost. I didn't try to make any friends. I had lost all my friends before that. What do I need new ones for? Didn't really leave my room that much except for the useless classes. I didn't work hard because I can't see any future except either a shitty job or just not waking up some day.

And I couldn't talk to people much. Because talking about myself meant constantly brining up bad memories or mentioning that I got kicked out school for arson or something. I wouldn't even consider a relationship till I'm myself again. I haven't been in sports in forever.

So that's where I'm at. I'm back home for now for summer. I think about this everyday. Sometimes I wanna just meet the nearest set of headlights while I'm driving. Its the loss of everybody and everything that mattered. Deep down I guess the process of rebuilding everything is just impossible. I tried in school and it didn't work. I don't know what I should do anymore.

It just occurred to me that I should ask a question. So any ideas on where to go from here? I want to stop feeling like this all the time.

Last edited by asdfjkl; June 18th 2009 at 06:47 AM.
   
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Re: Just tired - June 18th 2009, 06:56 AM

Hey there,

*hugs*

it sounds like you've been going through a really hard time, and the effort that you definitely have put into trying to get by is really admirable.

So, it seems like regardless of what happened, you're a really thoughtful person. I just graduated, and took calculus, physics, and chemistry all this year, too, so I completely understand how - trying, to understate it - that can be.

But it seems like, despite any slumps that you understandably might have fallen into, you do have a really good work ethic. That work ethic, with maybe a little jumpstarting, can help with rebuilding - school, social life, sports, happiness, all of that. And grades actually don't always mean that much in the end, anyway. My dad, he - wasn't the best at school, didn't finish college, stuff like that - but he now runs his own relatively successful business, has a family, a car, whatnot. So try not to get too discouraged

Is there anything, besides school, that could maybe help lift your mood? Like getting involved in sports again? It's okay to take a break from working ultra-hard on one thing to catch your breath so that you can start over in multiple areas in a more productive way. Maybe use this summer for something like that?

And could maybe try asking your mom about going to counseling again? It could definitely be helpful, and you deserve to get help in sorting things out, too.

Hang in there.


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Re: Just tired - June 18th 2009, 07:20 PM

Hey,

I am so sorry that all that happened to you. It seems as though your school treated you extremely unfairly.

Although the situations are a bit different I too had a messed up 12th grade year and I eventually had to go on home studies. That really brought me down too because I had been looking forward to graduating with my friends and going off to college.

Anyway, the think that pulled me through the whole 'high school' downfall was the fact that no matter what no one could take away my college years and no one could take away my dreams/goals. The same goes for you too. The school officials treated you extremely unfairly and they shouldn't have let you go without some kind of schooling for so long, but they did; however, they cannot take away your college experience and the good time you can and will have there.

You should consider making friends though. It can be really lonely without them. I know it is hard to lose a bunch of your friends and the prospect of making new ones seems almost impossible but whats the worst that can happen. Even if they don't become your really good friends at least you will have people to talk to.

"About my Dad. We have almost no relationship. My whole childhood he was physically and mentally abusive to our whole family. But most of the physical part was against me. A belt, a piece of metal, wood etc. I really can't remember what it was I did but we seriously cannot talk to each other. I try to pretend to sometimes but it doesn't work."

You did not do anything to deserve that treatment. No one does. Parents do not have the right to treat their kids like that. Parents are supposed to love their kids and treat them with respect.

Have you considered going to a counselor? It might be helpful; that way you could talk about some of the things that are bothering you and get them off your chest.

Hope this helped and if you need someone to talk to feel free to pm or aim me.


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Re: Just tired - June 19th 2009, 01:41 AM

Thanks for replying

The problem is I just have kindof given up. I can't make myself care about anything or anyone. Its numbness almost. I just can't put in any more effort. I feel like a zombie now. I feel no purpose or enthusiasm for anything. Maybe I should look for a counselor for a few weeks.
   
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Re: Just tired - June 19th 2009, 04:17 AM

I understand what you mean by being numb. But I've found that sometimes, forcing yourself to at least start something can be half the battle - and once you've actually started to work on something, getting the momentum to keep going is a lot easier.

A counselor would definitely be a good idea. Keep us posted!

Hang in there.


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dance in the rain,
block out the thunder,
and let the scars fade.
   
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