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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
ARootlessTree Offline
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I want it all to end. so badly - June 19th 2009, 03:28 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I can't take it. I feel so unloved. I try my best with everybody. I try to be the best person I can be. But nobody ever cares. I want my life to end so badly. I'm so tired of hoping that I'll catch some terminal disease, so maybe for once I'll be the one who can cry on a shoulder. I just wish someone out there loved me.

My mom just told me that unless I have a 4.0 GPA when I graduate, I'm gonna be disowned.

My grandpa told me, "If you had a father to beat you, you wouldn't be so spoiled."

My ex. We were good friends before we started going out, and we promised each other we'd stay cool after we broke up. i did everything I could to uphold that. I was there for her when her next boyfriend dumped her. but when I needed someone, she ducked out. but i never complained. Never. Lately she'd been acting differently, and me and another person had been having a conversation about it. she thought my ex had become stuck up. I confronted my ex about this, and told her I was concerned and wanted her to know I cared. She threw it back at my face and now her, and the other girl don't talk to me anymore.

I try so hard in school, but I'm failing english and AP world still. On top of that my AP world textbook is lost. That thing is $120, and if i don't pay for it or find it, I'm not going to be allowed to pass this year. I don't want to have to tell my mom about this but I see no other solution.

My sessions with the therapist have stopped. They're not covered by insurance and we can't afford them.

I'm such a burden. I don't deserve to live.


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  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I want it all to end. so badly - June 19th 2009, 03:37 AM

Hey,

You do to deservet to live, everybody deserves to live. That's really harsh that you're family would disown you because you didn't get a 4.0. I'm sorry about that, have you tried talking to your mom? I mean, really sitting down and discussing this with her.

Also, your grandfather is sadly mistaken. Nobody should be beaten.

That sucks about your ex and you not being able to stay friends after you tried your hardest. But that sometimes happens. It seems like you still really care about her, so just show that you really care and still attempt to talk to her and maybe she'll start coming around!

Yeah, I understand you're coming from I failed honors alegbra two and lost my spanish book this year. It happens to all us sometimes. Is there anyway you could some extra credit in your AP class or get some tutoring so that you can get your grades up?

Your not a burden! You do deserve to live, so keep hanging in there. You can cry on my shoulder, well virtually


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Re: I want it all to end. so badly - June 19th 2009, 03:44 AM

hiya Toz,
I know it's hard to see, but you aren't a burden to people and you deserve to live! You can't see it now but the light will shine through, but you won't ever see it if you commit suicide.

You're only 16, and you will have a lifetime to experience love, so I really wouldn't worry about that. If she doesn't want to talk to you, that's her loss, not your's, so try not to burden yourself with that.

Sounds like your mum is just a bit frustrated and is taking it out on you. My mum does the same thing. She probably doesn't mean she'll disown you. Though if you feel as though you can't live where you are you can always become emancipated and this supported by the state. This can also help you get the therapy you deserve.

I know at my school there is free tutoring and free transportation home after wards. You could look into your school and see if there is anything similar, and if there's not you should definitely look into starting something like that! =) It could be a project to work on that will take your mind off of how you are feeling.

As for the therapy, there are many counsellors that are just willing to help. You could get a job then tell your therapist that you will pay him or her when you get the money. Most are very flexible.

You can't end your life until all of your resources have been consulted. You could try the help lines if you are feeling as though you are in a jam. Try talking to a really trusted friend to make things more personal, and of course we are always here for you. =)

You are NOT a burden to people. and you DESERVE to live! Please take care of yourself. PM me anytime you feel the need to, i'll always reply.
   
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Re: I want it all to end. so badly - June 19th 2009, 04:04 AM

Hey Toz,

you're definitely NOT a burden! Toz, you do soooo much to help people around here, and you've definitely made a difference. And you work really hard to be the best you can be all around - school, friends, etc. You should definitely be proud of that.

I'm sorry to hear about your mom's comment. But sometimes, parents say rash, overblown things they in the end won't really mean. You're way more important than some decimal point, and grades don't always actually reflect effort, which is the more important thing.

And from what I can see you're definitely not spoiled.

My sessions weren't covered by insurance either, but my therapist had said that she didn't want cost to be the reason I couldn't see her. Is there any way you could work out some way with your counselor to make it more affordable to see them?

Hang in there, Toz.


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Re: I want it all to end. so badly - June 19th 2009, 01:56 PM

Toz like everybody else has said on here you are NOT a burden. I've talked to you some and seen your posts around here your a great person who gives great advice.

4.0 wow thats a big GPA you should really try talking to you rmom about this I dont think thats really fair of her to do.

I hate to say this but sometimes friendships dont work out. I just lost a good friend as well so I know that its hard for you. Or you could try talking to her again and see if things work out with you guys.

If you cant afford a thearpist could you talk to your school consuler their free. ANd im sure theyd like to talk to you. Also you could ask about some extra credit.


   
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Re: I want it all to end. so badly - June 19th 2009, 08:17 PM

Well.
Extra credit isn't an option. Today was the last day of school. I found my textbook. My friend found it a few weeks ago, but never got to giving it to me.

My ex- It's not the breakup that bothers me, it's the fact that she's blowing me off when I've been there to help her pick up the pieces after every major catastrophe. I'm just gonna start disregarding her from now on if it continues.

That other friend- If it works, it works. If it doesn't, than too bad. I'm SICK of being so affected by everything.

The grades. I don't know. It's my dream to become a psychiatrist, but you can't do that without a good college, and those are hard to get into with crap GPAs. Especially today.

There's one more problem. It's this girl. I've liked her for a while, though recently my feelings for her have been on standby. I told her I liked her and she said she'd liked someone else for 4 years, and wants to wait it out for him. That made me feel so worthless. She'd rather pine after a guy who barely nods hello to her than someone who'd give the world just to see her smile. But no. So she said "I'm not sure, I'm too confused about how I feel." So I waited. And had to learn from someone else that she said that because she didn't want to "see me hurt." She apologized. She's my 2nd most trusted person in the world. I still liked her after that. I told her again, and her answer didn't change. I still do like her, but those feelings aren't going anywhere so they're just there for now. But how do I deal with this? As cliched as it sounds, I've never felt so strongly about a girl in my life. And i've gone through my share.


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Re: I want it all to end. so badly - June 19th 2009, 09:27 PM

Well you can always work harder next year. Glad you found your textbook

The girl you like situation I understand. Im in love with my ex and he wont give me the time of day anymore always blows me off we'll make plans and then he'll cancel. Belivie it or not theres plently of fish in the sea lol. I know you feel pretty strongly about this girl but if shes not intersted you shouldnt waste all your time on her like I do with my ex. You should go out there and explore find if theres anybody you never know you might find soebody you really like.


   
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Re: I want it all to end. so badly - June 19th 2009, 10:34 PM

Remember that the world seeks wordly pleasures and standards, who are they to put you down like this. But i'll tell you one thing for sure. I love you, and i don't even know you, because thats the kind of person i am. But the most important thing you should know is that, if nobody loves you, God loves you.

He loved you enough to bring you into this world, he loved you enough to send jesus to die for your sins, and he'll love you forever in heaven, if you accept him as your savior, many people go about looking for a solution from the world, but the solution to all problems lies with jesus christ.
   
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Re: I want it all to end. so badly - June 20th 2009, 04:41 AM

I'm glad you found your text book

Toz, you're a good friend. But I think that disregarding your ex if she continues to act that way is okay, too. You deserve to do what's best for you, to take care of you. I think sometimes it's okay to disregard those who disregard our own feelings.

On the grades - you have next year to pick your GPA back up. Could you try talking to a school counselor about what you're hoping for, to try to work out some plan on how you could do that? And for psychiatry - would you have to go to grad school for that, too? Because you can get into basically any grad school as long as you've exerted the effort in undergrad, and even for undergrad colleges often put more weight on the real effort you've exerted and enthusiasm you have for what you want to do, if you tell them about it, rather than on some number attached to your name on a piece of paper.

Hang in there.


Drown in the music,
dance in the rain,
block out the thunder,
and let the scars fade.
   
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Re: I want it all to end. so badly - June 21st 2009, 04:36 PM

Haerts- I'm atheist, but I very deeply appreciate your advice and love
Dancer- It's something I feel very strongly about. I've always loved helping people and I feel that this way I can do it, and not to mention, psychiatrists get taken care of well, too .


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Re: I want it all to end. so badly - June 23rd 2009, 02:22 PM

I think it's really cool that you want to be a psychiatrist. Two of my cousins are actually becoming psychologists, for the same reason.

I guess just keep remembering that you can achieve your dream - regardless of any discouraging comments from your parents. I think it seems like you've got what it takes


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dance in the rain,
block out the thunder,
and let the scars fade.
   
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Re: I want it all to end. so badly - June 23rd 2009, 04:27 PM

But.... it can't happen without a degree from a good school.


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Re: I want it all to end. so badly - June 25th 2009, 02:37 AM

"Good" is often relative. As long as you do well at the school that you do end up in, you'll definitely be fine. People go to all sorts of school and end up functioning perfectly well at the same job. And even if you don't end up at scarily competitive school or anything, you can do internships or volunteering or working in some other way in psychiatry-related areas while you're in college, which will give you major resume points once you graduate from any school.

Don't worry - you can do it


Drown in the music,
dance in the rain,
block out the thunder,
and let the scars fade.
   
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Re: I want it all to end. so badly - June 25th 2009, 03:52 PM

Thanks for believing in me


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Re: I want it all to end. so badly - June 26th 2009, 04:51 AM

Anytime.

You definitely merit the encouragement


Drown in the music,
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block out the thunder,
and let the scars fade.
   
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Re: I want it all to end. so badly - June 26th 2009, 04:00 PM

Thank you!
In other depressing news, my report card came. I failed 2 finals, but I passed every class. With a GPA of 2.79 I'm going nowhere fast.


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Re: I want it all to end. so badly - June 26th 2009, 10:11 PM

Passing every class is a major accomplishment! And hey, 2.79 is better than 2.78. Since right now it's summer, it's kind of okay that you're "going nowhere" - school isn't in session, so it's kind of hard to get somewhere. Try not to stress about where things are right now, and just plan to pick up some momentum next year. I have a cousin who kind of had a history of failing classes up through his senior year, when he was finally able to starting doing better, and he's going to a good school and is happy with where he is. And you have motivation anyway already, so you'll be just fine.

I wanna know when you graduate from whatever psychiatry program was lucky enough to get you!


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block out the thunder,
and let the scars fade.
   
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Re: I want it all to end. so badly - June 29th 2009, 03:15 PM


Thank you!


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Re: I want it all to end. so badly - June 29th 2009, 10:58 PM

Hey Toz,

You know, the only person who has the right to beat you up about your grades is you. You know why? Because in the end the only person your grades will ever effect is you. Your GPA will never have an effect on your mother or anyone else. So, as long as you know you tried as hard as you could, that is all that matters.

Toz, I wanted to tell you that you can still become a psychiatrist even with a 2.79(which isn't that bad). The thing is, you can go to a Community college or a State college or whatever and as long as you do really good in college your high school transcript won't even matter when you apply to grad school or med school.

Basically, if I understand it correctly, your high school grades really only matter when you are applying to colleges right out of college or when you are transferring to certain colleges without enough credits or whatever.

You know, some people have actually gone on to grad school and med school with only a GED.

So, Toz, in the end you can still accomplish your dream. If you really wanted to go talk to a college counsellor about some of your concerns and they would probably be more than happy to explain it to you better than I did.

Toz, don't give up and if you need someone to talk to feel free to pm me.


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Re: I want it all to end. so badly - June 30th 2009, 08:16 PM

thank you very much, Jenna
That helped alot!!


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