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Swiftx Offline
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Thumbs down I hate life.. - June 20th 2009, 08:32 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I can't keep dealing with this, it feels so horrible. I start out having a good day, and somehow it all turns to crap in a few hours, like usual, and now I just feel like cutting up my legs and arms, im really sturggling not to, I just keep staring at my razor wanting to do it, but im trying not to.

My day can never go right! It sucks. It feel like everyone hates me, I mean I told one of my friends I needed some time away from the computer just to think about life because for some reason right now my mind is so scattered, like I cant really sit down and think, i always end up thinking about something totally off topic. (my friend didnt believe me she said im lying im just going to sign off messenger and not talk to her). I cant even seem to make a simple decision, It feels horrible. Everyone seems to think im lying about this, and im not depressed and I dont have social axiety, I may not have been to a therapist, because im super nervous to go, and I feel really ackward talking to someone I dont know, its hard, but I know i have it. I know im always depressed, but everyone says "I want attention" I could care less about attention, then can ignore me for all i care, Id rather them ignore me then tell me im lying. Its getting harder living with my mom and my brother (who is 16) but he takes my moms side, and they both gang up on me and tell me im lying and im making this all out or out to be more than it is. I have no one that believe me and it hurts that the people I care about think im a liar. I mean I am constanly stressing myself over this issues, I go to bed everynight upset and confused, and for the past week it seems like it has only felt worse, and I feel like i want to die more and more.

I really dont have anyone to talk to, everyone just thinks its a big web of lies, and I dont know how to make them believe me that im not lying. My mom bitches at me everyday and she has told me many times, to go die and she doesnt care she says "good then your brother can have all your stuff". my grandmother has told me "to just do it already" I mean..they tell me that and it hurts even more. My whole family is just better off with out me, I want to be with my dad (he committed suicide in 2007) I mean, I just dont seem to be able to handle all of this stress anymore. No one understands.. I wish my mom would just understand for once, how bad I hurt.

I mean I have tried Suicide before, but ive never been successfull, I guess I get scared sometimes, I mean I have tried, i just want SH, and take a bottle of pills.

Last edited by Swiftx; June 20th 2009 at 08:49 AM.
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Re: I hate life.. - June 20th 2009, 11:57 AM

Hey Jack,

First off I wanted to welcome you to Teenhelp and I also wanted to say that I hope you find some help and support here.

Jack, it really sounds like you are going through are really hard time and I am so very so very that but please don't resort to suicide because you do have so much more life to live. Listen to me, it can and will get better.

Sometimes people's families can be the most damaging aspect of their lives and sometimes people need to make the decision to get away from them. Have you thought of that? I don't know for sure how old you are but say you are a senior in high school you could move away to college in a year and that is not extremely long. If you are older than that maybe you have some friends you could move in with.

Jack, you said you haven't gone to a therapist, right? But, maybe you should consider going to one because they can be really helpful. They talk to you about all the things that are bugging you, give you advice and tools too deal with things like self harm. Do you think you could consider that?

As for the self harm you should check out the alternatives thread(I don't have the thread but I am getting it soon!) In the self harm forum. It list all types of alternatives to self harm. Things that you can use to help you through the difficult times. More positive things like drawing, reading, writing, walking, etc...Jack, the alternatives are not quick fixes though. So at first you might think, hey this is worthless and go to cutting ten minutes later but the important thing is to stick with it and eventually your body will start recognizing them and liking them and wanting to use them.

I hope this helped and please stay strong.

If you need anyone to talk to feel free to pm or aim me.

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Re: I hate life.. - June 20th 2009, 05:48 PM

Jack, I'm so sorry about your family. I know how hard family can be on us, how sometimes they simply don't even make the effort to understand the situation we are in. It's definitely not fair that your family is treating you the way that they have been, and you deserve a lot more support and help than they are giving you. You don't need to convince anyone that you're telling them the truth, Jack. You know how you feel, and that's all that matters. Is there any way that you could get to a counselor without getting your family involved? I understand that it's scary to talk to someone that you may not know very well, but truthfully it's often even easier to talk to a stranger than to someone that is close to you in life. Why not consider talking to a counselor if it's something that can truly help you? You deserve help with your emotions, Jack. Everyone struggles, everyone has the right to have a hard time. Don't let your family have any factor in the decision whether or not you should be alive. You're here on this messed up stupid earth for a reason, whatever that reason may be, and don't let your family convince you otherwise. You matter to the world just as much as everyone else here does, and not having you in it would definitely be a loss, no matter what your family says. Keep on living, and I can promise you that things will get better for you, they always do. I'm always here if you need to talk, okay? Hang in there! x

A lonely soul in a land of broken hearts

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Re: I hate life.. - June 21st 2009, 04:43 AM

Hi Jack,

I'm glad you found TH. We're definitely here to help - to listen, to believe what you say, and to let you know that you're cared about. It sounds like you're going through a lot right now.

I'm really sorry to hear that the people in your life aren't believing what you say. People need support to deal with stuff like depression. But please don't listen to what they say to you - people typically just don't want to believe that there's anything wrong, because they can't deal with it, don't want to be bothered by it, not because it's not actually there. In my own family, issues typically just get "swept under the rug" because it's easier to pretend like they're not there than to see what might happen from really addressing them.

But hang in there. Because you do deserve to confront what's going on and to find a way to take care of yourself in the midst of it.

I know you said you were nervous, going to a therapist, but could you try it maybe once? It can be a giant help, and therapists typically understand about people being awkward and nervous, and can help out with that, so talking to them isn't as scary. And once you find a therapist that you're comfortable and "click" with, things should get less awkward. Or, you could try writing down what you want to say, in a letter or note or something, and give it to a counselor - or maybe a friend's parent? - to read, so that way you don't have to worry about your vocal chords cooperating

Hurting yourself in any way is not okay. You deserve to be good to yourself when things already feel overwhelming. You get to be someone who will take care of you. There's a list of alternatives that might help you in the SH forum. I'll post a link to the thread below.

Hang in there.

Link: http://forums.teenhelp.org/f12-self-...ves-self-harm/

Drown in the music,
dance in the rain,
block out the thunder,
and let the scars fade.

Last edited by dancer; June 21st 2009 at 04:45 AM. Reason: added link
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