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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
MadPoet Offline
You're the Original <3
Outside, huh?
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Name: Amanda.
Age: 24
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Location: Michigan.

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Join Date: January 8th 2009

It hurts to be alive. - June 28th 2009, 12:41 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Another ranting thread posted by me. What a shocker.
What a shocker that I'm not perfect, that I hurt to, that I feel like shit to. Yet I always have to hide those emotions from everyone, because I'm supposed to be strong. I'm supposed to be smart, strong, perfect.

Why am I ashamed? Why am I ashamed to be who I am? Believe what I believe?
Why can't I just be me, without any second thoughts? I wish I could only be perfect. I wish that I could tell my sister and my mom that I am sick of acting like I believe completely in God, like I don't mind holding everything I feel inside. Yet I'm ashamed. I'm ashamed to be depressed, I'm ashamed to be alive, I'm ashamed to be typing this, I'm ashamed.. because I'm not perfect. Because I don't know the way out of depression. Because I can't figure out every emotion I feel.

My goal is to be a good writer. Fail...
I want to be able to help other people. Fail.
I want to think of others before myself. Fail.
I want to be happy. I want to be strong. I want to be smart, important.
Yet all I am is a fucking failure.

I guess I just wish someone cared that I hurt to, that I'm scared to be alive to, that I hate my life to. I wish I didn't always have to pretend to be okay. And you know the pathetic thing? Even around the people who would allow me to just bawl my eyes out as I please, I feel as if I can't. I'm the one whose supposed to listen, whose supposed to give the hugs and the support and the smiles and the "everything will be okay's." I can't be sad, I have to be strong for everybody else. I have to be strong for my mom when she's stressed because she doesn't have enough money. I have to be strong for my sister because she's scared to switch high school's next year. Yet I have no time to be strong for myself.

I know I still have hope, but I feel as if all my strength is spent on others. That friend I had last year, I think she played a good part in this as well. My emotions have always been second best, my emotions have never been as important. My emotions have always been walked all over, because I have to be the strong one. I have to be perfect. I have to make it through. I have to do this, do that, even though I'm hurt and sad and angry.

I'm hurt and sad, angry, and I have no one. I have to be strong for everyone but me. And it's killing me. Sometimes I just see no way out of this...

A lonely soul in a land of broken hearts

  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Nicolette Offline
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Re: It hurts to be alive. - June 28th 2009, 01:18 AM

You do help people, you're on here all the time helping people and it means so much that you're here. It sounds like you're so wrapped up in everyone else that you haven't had any time for yourself, maybe its time to put yourself first for a bit so you can focus on reaching your goals. Its not selfish to put yourself before others when you're the one who needs the support *hug* You're a good person, you're here trying to make a difference, you are strong. Even strong people fall every so often, that's all part of being human.

"When it comes down to it I let them think what they want, if they care enough to bother with what I do then I'm already better than them." Marilyn Monroe.
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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
MadPoet Offline
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Re: It hurts to be alive. - June 28th 2009, 05:02 AM

But if I don't pretend to be strong it's like I'm not strong at all.
I don't know, it's really strange. I get all of these violent thoughts that just aren't like me. I get really mood swingy, angry, then depressed, then happy, then angry, then depressed, then happy all over again. I have thoughts that aren't my own. I literally live in fear of myself. I'm to scared to bring this up to my psychiatrist, I don't want more pills and more therapy forced on me. I just can't handle it. I just want to be left alone. I have so many feelings that I can't deal with all of them, yet I feel as if it's my responsibility to deal with everyone else's as well, so it simply adds to the burden. I hate to complain, I know I sound weak and idiotic and stupid, but I just don't know what to do anymore.. I'm scared of myself more than anything lately.

On second thought, no one has to reply to this. There are people on this website who need more help then I do.
I don't deserve help, I'm not a good person. I may appear to be online, but I'm just.. I'm not.
I don't deserve help, I shouldn't even be asking for it. I'm sorry...

A lonely soul in a land of broken hearts

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dancer Offline
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Re: It hurts to be alive. - June 28th 2009, 04:20 PM

Hi Amanda,


*hugs again*

you have no idea how ridiculously strong you are.

Being strong doesn't mean being perfect. (I remember reading a book when I was little in which the main character tries to become perfect and finds out that all perfect people do is sit in a room and not move and never make a mistake because they don't move. They don't live. They don't ever grow because of the learning that comes from making a mistake and dealing with faults. They just sit there. Ick.)

Yeah, I'm going to be disagreeable and say that you are a freaking good person. Being a good person doesn't mean never caring about yourself or wanting something for yourself. You've obviously taken time to sit down and post thoughtfully to help out other people. What you say, the time you've given, the fact that you want to help other people - those are worth a whole lot, hun.

And you have helped people (me included! So that's not a fail). And you're a ridiculously good writer. Really, I read your posts replying to people and the stuff you've put in the self-expression forum, and you're basically a sort of role model for me in those areas.

I can understand not wanting more pills or therapy. But is there a chance that it wouldn't be "more" - just "different?" You could maybe tell your psychiatrist that you're worried about adding more stuff to deal with what's going on, and ask if there would be a different way to approach it.

You're a pretty awesome person, Amanda. Remember to take time to be proud of yourself

Hang in there.

Drown in the music,
dance in the rain,
block out the thunder,
and let the scars fade.
  (#5 (permalink)) Old
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Re: It hurts to be alive. - June 29th 2009, 07:28 AM

Hey Amanda,

I am sorry you are going through such a hard time at the moment. You know, you shouldn't be ashamed for asking for help; I think it takes a strong person to ask for help.

Also, Amanda, everyone deserves help and that means you too. No matter what other people are going through, even if it is worse then you, your problems exist and are no less important and you are no less important.

Amanda while reading this I kept saying 'hey that sounds a lot like me so believe me when I say that you are important. You are not a failure. You may think that you need to be strong all the time but sometimes that is just something people tell themselves and in reality it isn't true. Sometimes people's family members wish that they would let them in more and what not. Maybe it is the same for you and your family?

You know, you could be so worried about making other people happy that you don't see that your family wants to make you happy too, wants you to talk to them, wants you to open up. Maybe you could try letting your family in more? Maybe you could start slowly and go from there?

The bad thoughts you said you have, I think that is normal for everyone and I think telling your doctor would be a good idea. You know, your doctor might be able to help you fix that, without medicine even. Tell him or her your concerns about not wanting to add a new medicine and they will most likely respect that and still work with you on getting those thoughts to stop.

You should never be ashamed of any of your thoughts but I have too have known the feeling but as time goes by and you start feeling better(because sadness can cause us to doubt ourselves) that feeling of being ashamed might fade a bit.

Please hang in there and if you need anyone to talk to feel free to pm me.

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