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Screwed over - June 28th 2009, 01:35 AM

It's hopeless.
Two years ago, I finally ended a destructive friendship I had with another girl.
It was quite bad and needed to end. It had gotten to the point where all my attention was focused on this one person, but that person didn't give a damn about me. I was basically obsessed, having lost all my other friends early on in secondary school, so she was the only one I had.
I realised it was unhealthy, that it was damaging to me and that I needed to get out of it, fast. And I did.
But it's too late. The damage is irrepairable. I can't.. I'm unable to socialise anymore. I'm constantly apologising, afraid that the person I'm talking to is going to hate me. I have trusts issues, I begin to think that the other person is blocking me on msn, that they spend more time with other people than me, that I bore them, that they only hang around with me because they want to steal stuff I want before I can buy it, that it's just because they have nothing else to do.
At college, I spend my lessons in silence. I can't work out how to have an effective conversation with other people, used to only dealing with one person for so long. I try hard to please before getting paranoid that the person doesn't like me.
And this person has repeatedly referred to me as her bestfriend.
I feel like I've been damaged. I found out the other day that the person who I stopped being friends with is now happily going out and drinking and having fun, while i'm at home, unable to do anything. It's not fair. Why do I have to be the one who ends up trashed? When I finished the friendship, I thought that'd be it, I'd move on. New friends, new life, end of story. But I'm still in the same dump where I was seven years ago. And now I'm alone, because the abusive friend is gone.
It doesn't matter if I have someone who considers me her friend, even her best friend, because in my mind, I can't believe it's possible. I don't believe she is my friend. I'm afraid of getting tricked and hurt again. I keep getting paranoid.. I had an argument with her over one book, because I had been looking for it for ages and she randomly went in and bought it. I thought she'd purposefully stolen it from me.
And when I hang out with her and talk to her, I end up apologising all the time.. she offers to pay for my food and I feel guilty, like I've done something wrong.
I just.. I think I'm broken. There's something wrong with me. And I don't think it's fixable.
It's not fair. Why are other people able to get along with others and not me? Why do I have to do this apologising act? In my head, I think the most awful thoughts. I'm always suspicious, always worrying. I just.. I just want to sit in a corner and cry.
It's the same at home. I do things and say things and suddenly they're outraged and angry.. as if I've done something wrong. And I must have done something wrong, but I can never understand why it's wrong or why they're so angry. I make a statement and it drives the house crazy. Like.. I pointed out to my mother that instead of making me make a cup of tea, wouldn't it be easier for both of us if she did it, considering she was already in the kitchen? That statement resulted in an argument. I don't even know how it developed into one.
To be honest, I don't even know if this is the right board for this. It probably belongs in mental health. Because I obviously have issues.
But I feel like life's pretty hopeless for me right now, if I am going to be unable to get over this. It will just be there, a bleak shadow over my head. And I don't really know what to do.
   
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Re: Screwed over - June 28th 2009, 04:03 PM

Hey there,

*hugs*

Things aren't hopeless.

So, even broken things are fixable. Particularly people. And everybody has their own set of issues to deal with, so don't worry. You aren't the only one trying to figure stuff like this out.

Things involving relationships - with family, with friends, with people we don't even know - can be hard to deal with. It seems like a lot your social issues have to do with self-confidence. Maybe try to work on being confident with yourself, as yourself - then it becomes a lot easier to be confident as yourself with others.

You can and will make new friends. It's great that you realized the friend you had wasn't the best for you and took the responsibility to look out for yourself. But you don't have to do that alone - have you tried talking to a counselor? He/she can help sort out some of the difficulties that you're having.

Hang in there.


Drown in the music,
dance in the rain,
block out the thunder,
and let the scars fade.
   
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Re: Screwed over - June 28th 2009, 09:11 PM

Hey Senwyn,

Welcome to TeenHelp :]

First of all, I think it takes great strength to let go of any friend, especially if you feel very centered around that person. I think that you should find positivity in that. You don't need people like that in your life, and you saw through that.

You have had friends before, so it is possible. It can't be impossible if it has already happened in the past . Try to get your mindset away from that.

I feel I was in a similar position 7 years ago as well with a friend, and the bleakness still continued. Things do get better though. If you keep a positive mindset, then positive things and people WILL come into your life. Try putting yourself in positions that can give you confidence. For example, do things that you feel confident doing. Maybe you can spark your life with some excitement by trying new things as well. I really do believe that try new things: whether it be new activities or attitudes is a great thing to do. Having a balance of different things to keep your interest in life is great. It's like the saying "when one door closes, another one opens". Life is filled with possibilities, and I think that being young, it's important to have lots of doors open so you can find what works for you.

You can't keep on with your current state of mind or else things won't get better. You have to believe that you WILL get better. It's definitely possible. The only person who is stopping that from happening is you. If you need someone to talk to, I highly suggest a counselor or psychologist. They really do help as a sounding board, and a way to plan coping strategies.

If you need to talk, you can always PM me

- Vincent
   
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