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Emzy Offline
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Nothing to live for anymore. - July 3rd 2009, 07:51 PM

I have so much going on in my life, I can't cope. I really can't. I'll start with the smaller problems.

First, I've just finished a course in anxiety, I'm very proud of myself but nobody else seems to be. It was very hard for me and the only person who has told me how proud they are is my Dad who lives 3 hours away from me, and I see him once every 5/6 weeks. I spoke to him on the phone earlier and it just hits me that I can't see him as often as I'd like and I really can't afford a train ticket to where he lives.

Then, no job yet. At all, nobody wants to employ me. I've tried so hard to try and impress my Mum but she just isn't bothered that I've been putting myself out there to get a job, trying to earn some money for myself again. I left my old job as I was bullied for being gay and I couldn't handle it everyday, it's a big mistake because I've grown up since then and if I went back in time, I'd of told the bitch who bullied me where to shove it.

My biggest problem is my girl. I dunno what to do, where to turn, I've never cried so much in my life. I don't want to go into detail as it's all very personal, but we've had trust issues for a while and then I somehow (she seems to think I hacked her - I didn't) got onto her emails and found out she'd been talking to her ex, saying some rather harsh things about me and acting all pally with her ex girlfriend. Now, in my mind, I should have every right to be this torn apart and upset. Sure nothing might be going on with them but come on, I'd never ever dream of talking to my ex, or even thinking about her because I'm too wrapped up in my girlfriend to care. Things were just getting back to normal and then it's all gone. And I was selfish and told her to pick between Me or her ex, because she used to sit there and slag her ex off about how much she hated her and wanted her to die, now all of a sudden she's bumming upto her and I can't take it, I don't trust her enough. Then I found out I'm basically her sloppy seconds, I was given a necklace that she bought for her ex and gave it to me instead. So many problems, I know. But then she phoned me and was getting so harsh with me, and I've been drinking (it's my escape, lol), and I was just screaming back because I was so hurt and upset. Some of the things she was saying to me, I couldn't believe that the love of my life was saying these things to me and I can still hear her saying them. How pathetic I am, how she hopes I'll succeed in killing myself next time and all this. I've never ever been so crushed in my life, I can't stop crying, I've been cutting too and the hard thing is it's getting addictive again, I was like this a few years ago and I was on tablets and everything. I can't afford to slip back down to that level.

So now I'm pretty much alone, no friends as we've fallen out, no job, no money, and the only important person in my life has slipped away from me. I know I need to suck it up and get over it, I'm just so hurt and I really feel like I can't go on. Being called pathetic for trying to kill myself? Shouldn't she be there for me, not encouraging me to do these things to myself? I'm so lost.

Sorry for the huge rant, I can't believe how long it is. x
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Linz Offline
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Re: Nothing to live for anymore. - July 3rd 2009, 11:32 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by emzy View Post
Some of the things she was saying to me, I couldn't believe that the love of my life was saying these things to me and I can still hear her saying them. How pathetic I am, how she hopes I'll succeed in killing myself next time and all this. I've never ever been so crushed in my life, I can't stop crying, I've been cutting too and the hard thing is it's getting addictive again, I was like this a few years ago and I was on tablets and everything. I can't afford to slip back down to that level.

So now I'm pretty much alone, no friends as we've fallen out, no job, no money, and the only important person in my life has slipped away from me. I know I need to suck it up and get over it, I'm just so hurt and I really feel like I can't go on. Being called pathetic for trying to kill myself? Shouldn't she be there for me, not encouraging me to do these things to myself? I'm so lost.

I completely understand how it would hurt for someone you love deeply to say such horrible things to you. Your feelings are completely justified.

I'm sorry to hear you're cutting again, it is extremely addictive, and I don't blame you for not wanting to go back down that road.

But that's just IT. YOU DON'T want to go back down to that level, and as you've expressed, can't afford it either.

I never have and will never encourage that phrase you said you mentioned, "suck it up and get over it". When you stub your toe really hard on the edge of something: first, the shock overwellmes you so much you don't know what to do, second, the pain is almost unnbearable in those few moments you feel like you literally would cut off that toe to make it stop hurting. But what eventually happens to that stubbed toe after two minutes? The intensity of the pain ceases, but yes, it is still sore.
If this is making sense at all, because I kind feel like I'm babbling a bit.........my point is, while you're feeling this pain of this girl you love treating you like crap, and no job, this does not mean your the pain of your stubbed toe won't heal, this takes time and effort on your part, and you will most likely still feel soreness in your heart for the one you love, but you're fully capable of putting in that effort and waiting in that time period Although it will take longer than a stubbed toe's pain to subside: the point is your pain will subside. You will find a job eventually (trust me I've been looking for 4 months, have had 2 but ended up quitting...but in general, even in this economy, jobs are still out there for you.), and this girl may very well be the most amazing person you've ever met, But truthfully, how much do you look up to her now that she tried to push you backwards a few years ago? And my sayinng is in my relationships nowadays, "don't hold on to what wants to be let go". Basically, in my opinion, if she respected you at all, she wouldn't treat you that way.

YOU ARE NOT PATHETIC. Just because she says so does not make it true. You know who you are, and YOU know how well you've been feeling and doing, no one, and I mean NO ONE, can tell you otherwise.

Take a deep breath, and please think about how far you've come before you put up something to harm yourself with. I want you to remember how good you've been feeling, and no one, not even someone you love can take it for good. My advice: snatch your happiness right out of your love one's hands, and keep it somewhere in your mind where you'll never lose it.
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Re: Nothing to live for anymore. - July 4th 2009, 04:01 AM

Hey Emma,

I'm sorry to hear about all the roughness you've been going through. But you should definitely be proud of yourself. Screw what anyone else thinks. It's amazing that you finished the course - and I think it's actually a good thing that you did remove yourself from a situation that wasn't good for you then by not keeping up with that job. Hang in there - job searches are ridiculous, but you will eventually find somewhere.

Is there anyway you could talk to your dad about maybe his coming to you, or meeting somewhere in the middle? Or doing something else that would let you see him more often? You deserve to have people around you who support you.

And I'm really sorry to hear about what's going with your girlfriend. People can be caustic in uncalled-for ways sometimes. But her lack of caring is her own problem, not yours. You deserve to take care of yourself, regardless of whatever lies someone else may be saying. You always deserve to believe in yourself.

Hang in there.


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Re: Nothing to live for anymore. - July 4th 2009, 09:36 AM

Thank you both for the lovely replies. I'm just tryna keep my head up because I can't afford to slip down to a level of sadness again.

I've stopped cutting but I've now lost my apatite completely, I just don't know what to do with myself. I'm sure I'll pull through this though, I know I don't need to be with someone who's gonna cause me this much hurt all day long.

Thank you both again <3
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Re: Nothing to live for anymore. - July 4th 2009, 10:20 AM

Hey Emma,

I am so sorry you are going through this but you got through it once and that is proof that you can get through this again. Just keep trying and believing.

Emma, sometimes when people are angry they say things they really do not mean so maybe that is what happened to with your girlfriend; your two were fighting about her ex and she was getting defensive and angry and so she said hurtful things. Maybe when she cools off and you guys talk she will apologize and things will start to turn around.

Is there anyone you can talk to about all this? I know your dad lives far away but do you think you could talk to him a little more often and explain to him how hard things have been lately? Sometimes it helps to have more than one person to talk to so that when you and that person(your girlfriend) get into a fight, you do not feel completely alone.

Emma, it is okay that you do not have a job at the moment, I am sure you will find one eventually just keep on hoping and it will happen. Don't give up okay?

I think you can do this and if you need someone to talk to feel free to pm me.


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Re: Nothing to live for anymore. - July 4th 2009, 02:24 PM

Thank you Jenna. I think the situation with my "girlfriend" is slowly dying out and I'm just going to have to get over it, somehow, don't ask me how because it'll be the hardest thing I've ever had to do but I'm sure I'll get over it.

I have been seeing a councillor but things have kinda stopped as my files are being sent to and over 18's clinic in time for my birthday, so hopefully in a few weeks I'll be able to start having help again.

thank you <3
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