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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
haleyad1 Offline
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I... - July 4th 2009, 05:51 AM

...honestly I don't know what to say. Life sucks. I wake up in the morning and I'm like, "Crap, I'm still here." Today is day 63 of my getting sober/clean and stopping SHing myself. And it sucks. More than anything I just want to get this all over with. Depression sucks. I feel like I'm going to be sick, this all sucks so badly. My head is spinning.

Now that I'm clean my head is clear enough to realize how alone I really am. None of my "Friends" from school give a shit about me. I'm nobody's best friend or favorite person. My friends from church I can't afford to lean on. They need me to be the strong, solid, motherly person in their lives. Just the other day I had my mom drive to my friend's house to pick her up in the middle of the night because she was upset that her mom admitted she was gay. Without me who knows what she would have done to herself.

My accountability buddy I'm terrified to talk to. I honestly don't think he gives a shit about me. He shouldn't be involved. He is the same age as I am. That is wayyyy to young to be involved in stuff like this. The guys that I talked to that actually are old enough to help me I'm also too scared to talk to. I promised them I would talk to my youth minister and i haven't yet. I know if they knew I hadn't talked to her yet they would call her AND my parents. My parents can't know about all this. They would force me to take medication, which is something I am absolutely against. I feel like if I take medication, I'm not solving the problem. I'm just shoving it out of the way temporarily. And I know I will talk to my youth minister eventually, its just the last time I went to church she wasn't there so I couldn't talk to her. This upcoming week I am working VBS for my parish, so I will most likely see her and ask if we could talk for a bit.

Right now I'm scared to even MAKE it to next week. I don't want to. Life sucks and I don't have anybody in it to help me. I'm scared. I'm tired. And I just don't want to do this anymore. What is the point? Everyone is leaning on ME to help them, which is ironic because I can't even help myself. I just don't see the point anymore. Why live when life sucks? You just wind up miserable. I'm tired of being miserable. I just want to be through with this all.

"This is your time to weep, This is your time to mourn, Not yet time to build up, Just a time to tear down old walls." -Between the Trees

"And I'll never second guess all the things that I have done. I've got too much to say, and too much to become." - Alex Gaskarth

Stop The Bleeding
Rescue Is Possible
Love Is The Movement
~To Write Love On Her Arms~
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Re: I... - July 4th 2009, 05:58 AM


I feel like I wrote this myself. I'm sorry about all that you've been going through and I completely understand I am in the same boat right now. Way to go with the 63 days without self harming, being sober/clean, that's amazing. You're very strong for that, believe me.

Why can't you lean on in friends in your youth group. Everybody has problems and even if their life isn't perfect you could still talk to them. Maybe you guys could help each other through lifes problems.

I'm glad you're going to talk to your youth minister, that's an amazing step. I know it's scary, I'm going to talk to my pastor on sunday about everything and it's really terrifing, but in the end it's going to be a load of help, you have to believe that. Would it help if you wrote things down and if your froze up handed it to her or before service started hand her what you wrote about what you want to talk and talk to her afterwards about it.

You're a good person, I can tell because you said everybody leans on you and you went out and got your friend in the middle of the night, that shows how good of a person you are. You deserve to live, because you have a purpose and even if it's hard right now everything will work out. It sounds like you are religous, so just remember "God doesn't make junk," my youth pastor told me that when she knew I was going through a lot. It's true, you know that. You're not junk and you deserve to live.

If you need help getting through until you talk to your youth minister, please PM me. I'll help you the best I can. Always here. Hang in there! <3

when life is in discord; praise ye the Lord

keep your faith alive.
we're not alone <3
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*Jen* Offline
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Re: I... - July 4th 2009, 12:34 PM

Hey Haley,

I am really sorry that you are going through all of this. It seems like you have so much going on for you at the moment and it must be so difficult to cope with so you have done the right thing to reach out for help.

63 days of being sober and self harm free is an amazing achievement! Honestly that takes so much strength and you should be so proud of yourself for that because it is such an achievement. Also considering how you are feeling I think you are doing really well to be fighting through the urges. Sometimes it helps to take each day at a time then things might seem slightly more managable. You can beat this so don't give up.

You know that you deserve support sometimes as well and sometimes you should put yourself first. You sound like a really caring person who always puts others before yourself. Your friends from church sound like good friends and I don't think they would mind if you lean on them a bit. After all you are always there for them so you do deserve something back.

It is great that you are going to talk to your youth minister. It takes so much courage to talk to someone and it is so difficult to share your feelings. But I think once you have shared how you feel with her it will be a weight off you and then hopefully she can support you. You say you have no one to talk to so reach out to her. She will probably be happy to help. You don't have to be alone with this.

If you ever need anything at all then you are more than welcome to PM me. Stay strong :-)

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