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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
live.laugh.love
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Question stupid cassie. - July 12th 2009, 11:58 PM

depressed; atm not really but i am really confused.

i don't like feeling happy, i don't know why i don't like it which makes me feel silly for posting when i'm sad but i don't like being sad either.

so i tell people this
one says i'm selfish.
one says i better get used to being happy.
one say just says ....

i can't explain it though; or i can but it takes to long to text.

point two; i hate when people say they can't talk i don't know why. everybody needs a day to themselves sometimes, sometimes people are busy or are with other friends/family. but i always get hurt, like seriously, that's not right and i know it...i think it's because i think that means that they don't love me or care about me. i feel like i don't matter...

point three; i hate when people say "i'm doing this with my family," or "i'm doing this with my kids..." ihateit. my family doesn't do anything hardly with me and if we do it's whatever THEY want to do. why can't they ever have "cassie time" so to speak. it kind of just hit me when i was filling out the papers at church for the baptizing thing and the lady was like "tell your family to get tickets next sunday" yeah right. nobody is going to go.

point four; ihate always needing attention, i hate always needing somebody because i have been so attention deprived my whole life, now i constantly need or like i said in point two, i freak out and think that nobody cares or loves me.....

gah, person number one was right, i am selfish.
but i can't explain to them.
i can e-mail all of them but i'll never make them understand.


when life is in discord; praise ye the Lord

keep your faith alive.
we're not alone <3
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: stupid cassie. - July 13th 2009, 01:34 AM

Omg i love you! Lol sounds strage huh? You sound jusstt like me. and im known for being a drama queen and always needing attention but i just cant help it. Barr the not liking to be happy bit the rest is pretty much dot on.
And im not gonna give you some cheesy "i believe in you" speech because im sure thats not what you wanna hear! But. I dont however not for one second think your selfish. because i always think about others before myself. yet i feel exactly like what youve posted. I dont know exactly what to suggest because i bet everyone that youve tryed to talk to about it has said your selfish. or your scared of talking to your family because they will think the same. And if thats not the case then im sorry. but i think you just need to get out and meet some new people, or try something new like a hobby now i know your probably thinking that it sounds cheesy buttt it works. i find it really helps me. hope this helps. xxxxxx
   
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Re: stupid cassie. - July 13th 2009, 02:17 AM

Hey Cassie. I can kind of relate to your situation, I think. Maybe you feel as if you haven't been truly happy in awhile, so when you are in fact happy it feels uncomfortable, like you're not quite yourself?

Maybe what you need to try and convince yourself is that when you're feeling depressed, deep down you're still the same person as you are when you're happy. You may feel different, but you're still you. So when you're happy, you don't need to act like anyone else but who you are.

Who are these people that you usually talk to? If they're not being supportive or understanding, maybe there's someone else you've never spoken to about these things that you could try talking to? There's of course going to be some people who don't quite understand, but there are always people who are willing to help you, or at least try to understand how you're feeling. It's just a matter of finding the right person to talk to.

As for your family, I'm sorry that they're not supportive of your decision to become baptized, I know that must be hard for you. It's completely understandable that you would want them to be there for you, and it doesn't make you selfish at all, it only makes you human. Have you ever talked to your family about how you feel about the time you spend with them? Maybe they'd be willing to have a bit more time for you. Everyone deserves to have time for themselves with their family.

You're not the only one who has ever felt this way, so you're definitely not alone in this. You've really been supportive and helpful when I've needed help, and that proves that you're far from selfish. I'm always here if you need to talk.





A lonely soul in a land of broken hearts


   
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Re: stupid cassie. - July 13th 2009, 02:18 AM

hang in there gurl i love ya


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Re: stupid cassie. - July 13th 2009, 03:52 AM

Hello dear,

you're not selfish or stupid or silly or anything like that. At all. I promise. You're super and stupendous and supremely cool (okay, so I'm trying to go with "s" thing here. But they're all true for you, anyway, so it works )

But really, I do understand how you feel about the "feeling happy" thing. For me, it's like I feel more valid when I hurt than when I don't. But even when things have been wrong, are still wrong, it's still okay to feel happy. That really is perfectly valid, too, and something you definitely deserve.

And I get how you feel when people talk about doing stuff with their family. Sometimes a friend of mine will say something like "I'm having lunch with my dad today" and I'll think "well thats lovely for you. If only." I don't think it's selfish to want a functional family, or one that highlights you as part of it from time to time. Maybe try making sure that you at least take time out of your day for "Cassie" time, whether it's by yourself or with friends or people from your church or whatever. Because you are important, and you deserve to be reminded of that. And hey, if I could, I'd come to your baptism!!!

And I guess it's sort of the same about needing attention. Everybody needs attention. It's just that like you said - you've been deprived of it most of the time, so now you have to ask to get it. But it doesn't make you selfish or anything, having to do the extra thing of asking for something that most other people just get. You deserve to be paid attention to - but I understand how easily it is then to jump to conclusions or whatever whenever something seems to happen. Sometimes it can be helpful to just take a deep breath, pause in the circles that my thoughts at least start running, and remind yourself that things are probably still okay with that person, that nothing's actually happened that would indicate a rift or something, and that it will be okay.

Because things will be okay.

Hang in there <3


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dance in the rain,
block out the thunder,
and let the scars fade.
   
  (#6 (permalink)) Old
live.laugh.love
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Re: stupid cassie. - July 13th 2009, 04:40 AM

i think that's it about the whole "happy," thing, I'm not used to it so it's kind of weird feeling for me... and I don't know, I don't like it.

It's not that they're not supportive it's that they don't quite understand, I mean, honestly if I didn't go through depression and somebody came to me and said "i don't like being happy," I would probably be like "wth," as well. But I have been through this and it makes sense to me... i wish i could make the people in my life understand.

It just makes me feel selfish though because the person that is like a second father to me is all "i'm doing this with my kids, can't talk." and it's like i wish my dad would do that... i wish my second dad would do that but he can't for reasons i understand, he'd get in trouble >< but it sucks!

i don't know, it's not like i don't get attention from other people but sometimes it feels like i always need attention and that's not fair to the people who are trying but need time to themselves.


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we're not alone <3
   
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Re: stupid cassie. - July 13th 2009, 05:15 AM

Yeah, you almost have to "learn" to be happy again. I have a friend who went through something similar. He's said that he kept pretending like he was happy and then one day woke up and realized, "wait, I am happy! Crud..." But I guess while "happy" feels weird, try working on ways to adjust to it, rather than stop being it.

And yeah, I understand what you mean about people not understanding. But sometimes it just takes hearing something seven times or in seven different ways for it to click with someone. And when you're talking to people and they don't understand, you're allowed to say "I'm not explaining this in the right way, but I want to say it so that you understand; how are you viewing this right now?" (or however you'd phrase that) And then maybe see what you need to clear up.

You're not selfish for that. It's okay to wish for relationships to be a certain way. But I guess keep trying to be satisfied with the way they are, to find ways to be content with that. And maybe, when people are busy, try coming up with a list of things to do for "you-time." It's not that you're not getting attention, it's just that you're the one giving it.

Hope that maybe helps some...

Hang in there


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dance in the rain,
block out the thunder,
and let the scars fade.
   
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Re: stupid cassie. - July 13th 2009, 07:19 PM

Hey Cass

first things first, you're not stupid :P
and, being happy is a good thing. Learn to love it, and count yourself lucky, that you feel happy at all sometimes. And, as for your family... hmm. My take on companionship of any kind, is that, it's great to have, but don't make yourself dependent on it. Live with, and be aware of the fact, that you may have to stand up on your own feet.

take care, Cass


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Re: stupid cassie. - July 14th 2009, 12:25 AM

Hey Cassie,

You are not selfish at allllllll! I can't believe you would think that; now wipe that thought from your head. You are a very sweet person and you like helping people and you seem pretty unselfish to me.

Cassie, you do have to learn to be happy, it's just something that a lot of people who have been sad for have to go through(I did) and that does not make you selfish at all. It might take a while but it will happen eventually just try your hardest to embrace the happy moments okay? I know happiness may seem like a foreign concept at the moment but that is because you have been sad for so long but soon sadness will be a foreign concept to you.

You are important and there is nothing wrong with getting hurt when people say they are busy; I get that way too. It's just because you feel like they are going to foget about you or they don't care but soon you will start realizing that spending a little time away from people is okay and they won't forget about you or care any less.

Cassie about your family not coming to your baptism; have you asked them? Because if you haven't how do you know they won't come? And, if they won't come that is their problem and not yours. I know it will hurt a lot but in the end it will be okay; you will be okay.

I don't understad why families have trouble giving certain people more validation('cassie' time, etc) but they do. However that doesn't necessarily mean that your family doesn't love you/care for you they just don't know how to show it in the best way possible. Of course this is not okay but you will come to accept it one day(or it will work out some other way). Cassie if your family can't realize what a wonderful person you are that is their problem because I know I have and I am sure a lot of people at your church have too.

Cassie if you ever need to talk please feel free to pm me.

~Jenna~


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Re: stupid cassie. - July 20th 2009, 04:14 AM

Ugh, I know how you feel about the ~Feeling hurt all the time~. Like, no matter what people do, I`ll always expect them to dislike me. So, if someone so much as doesn`t look my way when I wave at them, I kick myself, and I think.. UGH! NO ONE LIKES YOU!

Like, anyyy small thing, I interpret that they don`t care about me in the least.

So, I`ve grown to dislike loooots of people, I think cause I always feel like people don`t like me, even if it`s POSSIBLE, they actually don`t mind me.
(However, I personally have a hard time liking people in real life, so I reflect that measure on myself, and think, like, even myself wouldn`t like me.)

BLEH.!
   
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