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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Double X Offline
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Name: Kyle
Age: 28
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Location: Boston

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Join Date: March 11th 2009

I must like this - July 15th 2009, 05:55 AM

I mean it's so sad that I keep coming back to this. I keep having rotating feelings from mind-numbing, dark hatred...to guilt-ridden emptiness. I'd like to say they are mood swings, but I notice changes in my own personality and it's pissing me off. I really must enjoy this, because it keeps happening. A feeling of hopelessness, something I cling to, I need to feel it so I don't have to anything and don't have to feel like I need to do anything. Which I guess comes back to not wanting to do anything ever...just wanting to die.

I guess I don't see the harm in death. It's a choice, right? I am not non-religious, more like anti-religious, but I am still essentially an atheist. I know that there is nothing after life. I don't expect anything, I don't really want anything either. It must be such a liberating feeling...to die. I mean people say they feel nothing, but they still have a lack of feeling, so they still feel a lack of feeling. Death is simply nothing. You can't even feel yourself being nothing? I dunno, how does that even work? Can we even describe it? I have yet to come to a real, hard reason not to do myself in.

I am clearly one of those retarded zebras in animal planet, the ones that end up getting eaten or starving. Just one of those weaker ones that can't really do anything and just go off and die. I am done rambling to you imaginary helpers, my sleeping pills are kicking in and that means I am going to be out for a few hours.

Please give me a real reason, not that 'your parents would be heartbroken!!!111 omg' or that people care about me, because it won't matter because I would be dead. Please, philosophical or anything. I really, really want to hear one.

"We will ask nothing. We will demand nothing. We will take." -- May 1968, French Graffiti
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
MadPoet Offline
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Outside, huh?
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Name: Amanda.
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Re: I must like this - July 15th 2009, 06:09 AM

Hey Kyle. I know this might sound cliche, but I know how you feel. I can relate to what you're going through right now, and I know that sometimes death seems like the easiest way, the best way out of your situation. But... what's so great about death? Why would you never want to feel anything, ever again? Depression, sadness, is not the only emotion left in this world, or in your life. I know that at times it's hard to believe that's true, but it is. You are the only one who can convince yourself that there are things in life worth fighting for. No one else can tell you what should make you happy but yourself. Often, I think that all of our focus ends up on the things that hurt us in life, the things that make us feel weak. But we don't see the things that make us strong, the things that can bring us happiness. I won't tell you "things will get better" if that's not what you want to hear. It doesn't matter what anyone else tells you, the important thing is that you believe it yourself. That no matter what you're going through, you don't let yourself lose sight of all of the good things that have happened in your life. There are so many emotions to be felt in the world, both good and bad - and that's what convinces me that you're not going to feel like this forever. In a way, I really think that going through the kind of thing your going through right now makes you a stronger person. You have to feel weak before you can feel strong, and happy with your life, and yourself. Happiness has to be fought for, and everyday that you continue to live despite how down you may be feeling, you're that much closer to happiness.

Or you can kill yourself. You can ruin your chances of ever being happy again. Because when your dead, you don't feel anything, right? All the emotions in the world you have never been given the chance to feel quite yet, and you're going to give up on all of them? You may feel as if you are weak, but you're stronger than that.

You may not be able to think any up at the moment, but there are reasons to be alive today. There's a reason that you're in the world, and that you're going through what you feel today. Things are going to get better for you, I can promise you that. You just have to keep on living, that's all it takes. You don't have to be the strongest person ever created, or even close to perfect, all you have to do is live another day. And one day everything will get better for you. I promise.

As much as you don't want to hear it - there are a lot of people who care about you and want to see you make it through this, including me. I'm always here if you need to talk Hang in there.

A lonely soul in a land of broken hearts

  (#3 (permalink)) Old
dancer Offline
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Re: I must like this - July 15th 2009, 06:30 AM

Hi Kyle,

sorry to hear about how you've been feeling. And sorry if this advice sounds generic or anything - I'll try to be more original in a sec - but have you tried talking to a doctor or anything about the mood swings? Because there could be a concrete, chemical reason for that which your doctor might be able to shed some light on.

That's a really interesting analogy, about the zebra. But at least from the tone in your writing, you don't seem weak or anything. Unsure and lost are not the same thing as weak. Strong people can still feel helpless - just have to figure out how the strength that really is there can come out.

Anyway, not being dead, I can't really tell you what death is like. Nobody, relgious or not religious, really can. But I wouldn't prematurely rush to it, then, in the hopes that it might be something or even just "nothing" - because nobody can tell you what the rest of your life is going to be like, either. Death'll come eventually; why miss out on the chance to find out what life is going to be like in the mean time?

And anyway, what about what you hope for? What you want to accomplish? Those things matter. Even if there is "nothing" after death, this life is something, and matters. You have the chance to create an entire narrative, and you're the only one, ever, who could ever write that particular one, and as long as you keep breathing, you're guaranteed that your ink isn't going to run out and you'll have the chance to develop or change things in a next chapter.

And sorry if this gets a bit technical, but your choices, seemingly "just for you," have an affect on other people. Not just in the way that it would affect those who know you, but even those who don't know you. Going with the whole current physical theory of the universe with space and time and whatnot, matter (such as a human person) changes the way space and time curve around it (for example, the way a mattress curves under the weight of someone sitting on it). Take away the matter, and suddenly there's nothing pressing down on the underlying infrastructure of spacetime, and that sends out what are essentially "shock ripples," like the ripples that would disturb a pond if someone suddenly pulled a fishing like on it. Anyway, the ripples are just that - ripples, and your actions and their effect on your local patch of spacetime ripples out to affect how it's curving around other people. In making a choice that affects you, you really are affecting other people, too. What sort of mark do you want to make on the universe? Because your matter matters.

Sorry, you asked for "philosophical or anything"

But really, hang in there, Kyle.

Drown in the music,
dance in the rain,
block out the thunder,
and let the scars fade.
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
ZeroDarkness Offline
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Re: I must like this - July 15th 2009, 06:58 AM

Death is inevitable, we both know that sooner or later we will die. Why rush what's already going to happen. The only real choices you have with death are whether you die early or not and whether you die happy or not.

You can choose to die early and miserable, or you can choose to give being happy a second chance. Honestly, what do you have to lose. Nothing. Nothing to loose, but everything to gain.

If people really didn't care, If people really wouldn't be heart-broken, would they have given you the time of day to reply to this. Most people on this site have been through or have seen what your going through first hand. Maybe not exactly what is happening to you, but something similar. That is what draws people hear.

Ultimately, the choice is still yours. We can only say so much to help you out. Even more-so, you can choose to hear only so much of what we do say.

The reason I offer you is: Why not? Why not take a chance, especially if you have nothing left to loose? Why not take a crack at being happy one more time?

Try making some one else happy. Putting a smile on their face might have the same effect on you. Try adopting an animal from a shelter. Try talking with people. Don't tell me you have tried everything until you actually have.

I would love to get to know you more. You have great insight. But I obviously can't do that if your gone, now can I?
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