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-   -   I'm thinking about... (http://www.teenhelp.org/forums/f11-depression-suicide/t20053-im-thinking-about/)

InnerDarkness July 15th 2009 09:56 PM

I'm thinking about...
 
I'm feeling suicidal now, but I guess I've stopped long enough to write this. I don't think it will help me out of my bad feelings. I'm not different to anyone else here - only another someone who is in pain.

I don’t know why I'm writing this. I only know that for the moment, I'm writing it. I guess I'm here because I am troubled and considering ending my life.

I have known a lot of people who have wanted to kill themselves, but only now do I have some small idea of what they were feeling. I don't want to make you guys read a long book, so I'm going to try and keep this short. I just want to talk about my feelings. There's no point in thinking about whether or not I should kill myself. I assume that if I'm thinking about it, it's because of a well thought out reason. I don't remember what that reason is but this isn't the first time I've felt this way recently. In fact, I feel this way a lot at the moment.

Well, I'm still writing. It means that I'm still a little bit frightened, somewhere deep inside, about really ending my life. I often feel this way, even in the deepest darkness of despair. Being frightened of dying is stupid but the fact that I'm still alive at this minute means I'm still a little bit frightened. It means that even while I want to die, at the same time some part of me still wants to live. I'm trying to hang on to that.

I haven't chosen to commit suicide. I just can't cope with this pain anymore.

That’s how I feel. I feel like I'm a bad person, I'm crazy, weak, flawed. I must be if I feel suicidal. I don't know if I really want to die - it's just that I have more pain than I can cope with right now. If you start piling weights on my shoulders, I will eventually collapse if you add enough weights... no matter how much I want to remain standing. Willpower has nothing to do with it.

My problems aren't even worth feeling suicidal about but there are many kinds of pain. What might seem bearable to everyone else, is not bearable to me. The point at which the pain becomes unbearable depends on how you cope with it. I've always thought I had a high capacity of pain I could withstand.

But this pain has exceeded my ability to cope with it and I feel suicide is the only option. I don't care if suicide is wrong, I don't care if these feelings are a defect of my character, I'm really not sure I can cope anymore.

I've heard that people do get through this -- even people who feel as badly as I do now. Even I've gotten through it before but I just can't keep doing it.

I've said to myself “I will wait 24 hours before I do anything.” But I said that same thing a week ago. I can't cope with feeling like this every week.

I guess I want to die because I want relief from the pain. But relief is a feeling and you have to be alive to feel it. I won't feel the relief I so desperately seek if I'm dead, but I won't feel anything at all and that's better than what I'm going through right now.

I know that you're supposed to turn to your friends and family in these situations but I have the additional burden of trying to deal with this alone. Just talking to my friends about how I got to where I am when I'm feeling like this, releases lot of the pressure, and is that additional little thing I need to pull me through. But all my friends have left - gone to univercity up country, some have even left the country completely. I have no one I feel comfortable talking about this kind of thing with and I can't contact any of my old friends right now. I've tried to make new friends but I'm not that close to anyone anyone at the moment. The one girl I thought I was getting close to recently ditched me for a better guy and is pretty much ignoring me completely. This has happened to me over and over and over again, but this time I have no one to turn to.

If I don't end my life... how am I going to cope with how I'm feeling... I just can't. I'm going nowhere in life and I can't pull myself out of this situation, I've tried so hard time and time again and I always end up back here... feeling like this. There's just no point in me being here if I always end up this way.

I really want to try and cope with this. I just don't know how anymore.

I'm so... upset at how life turned out... jealous of all those happy people in the world... defeated by my constant attempts to make things better for myself that always end in failure... anger, rage at my inability to sort my life out.

I'm too much of a coward to kill myself in any normal way. I feel like driving my car as fast as possible at a building with no seatbelt, closing my eyes... and that's all I have to do.

how.we.operate. July 15th 2009 11:55 PM

Re: I'm thinking about...
 
Hey hugs. First thing is first, killing yourself should not be an option. In order to fight your way through depression you need to find the source of your pain-what is causing all of this pain? If you are going through SH you need to slowly withdraw from that too.
Next, you can call your friends and keep in touch with them, but you do need to find someone who you can talk to in person. Maybe ask one of your friends if they can help you find someone who can help?
I'm glad that you are scared of suicide, I have considered suicide, but you realize that if you are gone then what happens to everyone else around you? Life is a gift, something that we must handle with care and fight through our dark times because the results of life can be rewarding. Don't let the bumpy paths lead you down the wrong road, you have so much ahead of you. You are only 16, there is so much to live for but it won't happen unless you try.
Fight through it day by day, I'm very glad you have so far! Vent if you haven't already. Journal it out daily, find a sport if you are sporty, use art if you are artsy, game, run, walk, jog, music, rant on TH...there are so many ways to vent in a healthy way. Talking is one. I am very glad that you have been able to talk to friends, but find someone who you can trust. At times we need that face to face comfort, a simple hug, or that comfort of words that mean so much more when you see the person.
Just because there is pain don't let that get to you. You have so much more to live for.
Stay Safe
PM if you need!

Commiseration July 16th 2009 03:20 AM

Re: I'm thinking about...
 
Please don't do anything to yourself. I sent you a PM further explaining why i say not to do it, and if you need to talk, contact me at anytime, I'll be around here. :console: You're not just "another someone in pain", you matter individually and everyone's situation is different. Please talk to me or someone else about how you're feeling. We do care.

-Commiseration

dancer July 16th 2009 04:33 AM

Re: I'm thinking about...
 
Hi Ethan,

please don't hurt yourself. I know that things, even little things, can feel so ridiculously overwhelming sometimes. But I promise, there is always, always another option besides suicide. And I have a friend who crashed her car on purpose. Trust me, please don't do that.

The problems that you're dealing with, no matter what size, are still problems, and it's okay to feel upset because of them. It doesn't mean that you're weak, or crazy, or flawed. At least, not any more crazy or flawed than anyone else. Because people aren't perfect. It's okay. Welcome to being human :) But really, being suicidal doesn't make you flawed or a bad person or anything. Horrid emotions can and unfortunately do happen to really good people.

It's good, amazingly good, that you're still trying to hang out. It takes more bravery to live, I think, than to die. And it shows an incredible amount of strength that you have made it this far, dealing with all that you have, regardless of how you may have felt while doing it. Please keep hanging in there. If you ever feel like you really will hurt yourself, please call 911 or a helpline (like Hopeline, 1-800-442-HOPE - they're really good at helping to figure out more ideas on how to approach things when one has exhausted one's own reservoirs of possibilities). Why can't you pick back up the connection with your old friends? You could maybe try just calling them - they are still your friends, and people are often really grateful when some reopens the lines of communication for them. You could try talking to your doctor, too, or a counselor, or maybe a relative, like an uncle or a cousin or something.

And we're always here to listen, too.

Hang in there. Feel free to PM me anytime.


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