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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
ladyninetyfour Offline
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Unhappy Self hate. - July 30th 2009, 10:56 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Here's a basic background:
I'm female, bisexual/pansexual (not sure which), and nearly fifteen. I got bullied for 6, nearly 7 years (since I was 7 to almost 14), both physically and emotionally/psychologically. I was anorexic when I was eight. I was anorexic in 2008 as well (age: 13-14). I've been taken advantage of by guys so many times.... especially throughout Oct 2007 - Dec 2008... and I still don't know if any of them count as sexual abuse or not. I've been self harming since I was eight. I don't have a disorder or anything, but I've been slowly getting increasingly depressed since I was eleven. Very recently I got a social worker, and a psychologist, but he's male which I'm not happy about, and so far I've only seen him once. I have an unstable family, but we're not a broken family if that makes sense. Mum + Dad are still together, and I live with them and my two sisters (19 years, and 22 months) On 25th June 2009, I took (a large number of) paracetamol and (too many) cocodamol in an attempt to kill myself. Mum found me and I was rushed to hospital and they said I would have died from liver failure in 72 hours if Mum hadn't found me. I wish I had died.

I've hated myself since I was really little, and I know it's not fair but I've always had a bit of a grudge against my parents for not aborting me. Every day I hate myself that little bit more. I'm such a bitch, and for the last couple of years I've been a right slut, and I feel so dirty. I'm still a virgin, but only just. Whenever I have friends, when they get too close I push them away and people always get hurt around me. I'm so angry all the time, and people say I'm rude, and I'm violent to my friends, and sometimes to my family (but not so much in the last few years). I can't keep a boyfriend. Or a girlfriend, for that matter, on the rare occasion that I have one. I'm really ugly... and I know I'm not fat but I hate the way I look. I'm an insomniac, but the sleep I do get is often filled with nightmares, and sometimes I will wake screaming, or sweating, with scratch marks all over my body. I wish I'd died. No one understands how much I hate myself. Mum or Dad will often ask me "what's so wrong about your life" I never answer. Once, recently I said "Me. that's the problem." but they just didn't understand. I nearly ended up in a psychiatric unit. Some days I'm scared of almost everything, and other days I couldn't care less. I hate change. I hate to be out of my comfort zone. But I go out of my way to hurt myself. If I get invited somewhere and I don't want to go, I'll make myself go anyway. Once, recently, I fainted on a fair ride cuz my mate wanted me to go on it, and I really didn't want to and I made myself. I hate the way I look, the way I act, the things I say. I hate everything about me. I'm damn clever, but that just makes people pick on me. And the only good thing about me is that I have beautiful eyes. I often have good intentions too, and I care lots about people, but whatever I do turns out wrong and usually hurts someone.
And I change all my friends. I don't mean to, but after a few months of knowing me, their dress sense, and music style, all changes. And then they get picked on for being 'emo' or 'goth' or 'punk'. I've gone through all that, people can't really bully me for music or clothes anymore cuz I listen to metal, rock and punk and all that but dance and J-pop too. And I dress in all sorts of ways. Some days all black, and skinnies. Some days brightly muliticoloured with over-the-knee socks. Etc. But my friends still get picked on because they'll be new to the way I've influenced them to dress...
I can't try and kill myself again even though I want to, because I physically don't want to after my hospital stay. Emotionally, mentally, I want to die. But I physically can't take a knife to my wrists or something and I don't want to take tablets. Over the years I've asked so many friends to kill me, but nobody will.
I hate myself. And on the rare occasions where I wake up and I'm like "today's gonna be a good day", by the end of it, I've thought about the past so much that I'm still in pain.
Some days I'm in so much emotional pain, and I'm so angry and resentful towards myself or the world, that I want to die. And the other days, I'm so numb and empty and cold, and I'm operating on automatic, that I want to die.
I want it all to go away. I want to get better. I want to be happy. I want to have some self-respect, and love myself... but I just don't. I've got help (my psychologist and social-worker) but I don't see how it will help. I just want everything to go away and I don't know what to do anymore.


Where there's love, there's hope
You cannot destroy me!
xoxox PunkRoxS9 xoxox


Last SH: 03/08/09

Last edited by SimplyComplex; August 6th 2009 at 06:29 PM. Reason: Editing out number of meds.
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Re: Self hate. - July 30th 2009, 11:30 AM

Try to think about all the good things that happened in your day instead of all the bad. Try to stop thinking about the past and focus more on the present and the future. Brooding on the past won't do anything, but you can learn from it to better attack these kinds of problems in the future.

I don't think you've changed your friends. Maybe they just like that style better or you've made them not care if they get picked on because if they dress that way the'll know who their real friends are.

Even if you wern't a good person a couple years ago that doesn't matter if you're a great person now.

Being out of your comfort zone is good sometimes. It makes you stronger, but you shouldn't think of what you're doing as a punishment.

When your in emotional pain try to talk to someone you trust like a good friend, or maybe your older sister. Or if you can't talk to anyone. This site is a great place to vent.
   
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Re: Self hate. - July 30th 2009, 04:35 PM

You have to understand that you're meant to live until the universe says otherwise. You may want to die but it's not the best thing and deep down I think all of us suicidal people know that. When you're blinded by depression, you don't think about all the good things. Your beautiful eyes? There's something and something is better than nothing.

You're friends love you. You didn't change them. You're not responsible for anyone's actions but your own... they changed and though you may have influenced it, in they end it was all on them. If they get picked on or bullied... stand up to those people. If that's too frightening, help your friends get through it because you've been through the same thing.

Don't kill yourself. One day you'll realize that it was so worth being alive. When you have a family, and a house, and a life all your own. You're fifteen. You have got so much to give although you don't even see it. You're a virgin, but "just barely." Hey. I've done things close to sex and I'm fourteen... guys and girls will look at you different when you get older if you're a virgin. But they'll look at you differently in a GOOD way. A pretty girl (I'm sure) who has kept her v-card for adulthood is honorable.

There are places you can go, people to see and talk to... parent are in denial and I always say this. Your mother gave birth to you. She loves you. She doesn't want to have to admit that her precious daughter has a serious problem. Talk to her. I know how hard it is because talking to my mom who I'm extremely close to was really really hard.

You can do this. You can make it through the darkness. The self-hate. The negative thoughts. There's a light in your life somewhere. You just have to search. Hard. I knwo it's not easy. I've been in your place. You can do it. I know you can. Stay strong. Feel free to PM, VM, or IM me anytime. I am always here for anyone who needs me.

Take care please,
Han


"No matter how bad something is hurting us... sometimes it hurts worse to let it go..."



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ladyninetyfour Offline
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Re: Self hate. - August 4th 2009, 08:17 PM

Thanks SpiderHan03 and Andy Elf... I don't talk to my big sister very much. I have one very close friend that I talk to though... I'm just not sure what to do...
xoxox Bex xoxox


Where there's love, there's hope
You cannot destroy me!
xoxox PunkRoxS9 xoxox


Last SH: 03/08/09
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Re: Self hate. - August 4th 2009, 11:53 PM

Wow, you've been through a lot.

Self hate is a powerful thing. Why are you struggling so hard against who you are? Do you know who you are?

Self hate will be much less painful if you can just accept it- accept that you are hating yourself for whatever reason because of needs that aren't being met. Obviously, that isn't going to change that fact that there are things you need that you aren't getting, but it will be much less painful that way. If you always struggle against what you are not getting and what desires are not being fulfilled, you will just hate yourself more and more.



   
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Re: Self hate. - August 5th 2009, 03:31 AM

Hi Bex,

I'm sorry that you've been going through such a tough time. I understand what it's like to be incredibly rough on yourself. I tend to be my own biggest critic, too. But I've also found that what we tell ourselves is more often than not harsher than how things really are. Whenever I start cringing in front of the mirror for some reason or other, I try to find one thing about myself (I usually go with the fact that I love how silver nail polish looks on me... it needs repainting, by the way ) and hold onto that and once you're securely comfortable with it add something else to build on it. It's great that you know that you have beautiful eyes. You get to look out at the world through beauty. That's awesome. And if eyes are a "window to the soul," then people get to see you through really gorgeous looking glasses.

And you sound like a pretty cool person anyway. Even if you did "influence" your friends about things like clothes, in the end it was their decision to wear them. You didn't make them put them on, or keep them on. You didn't decide that for them. And like Han said, it might just be that because of you they're brave enough to express themselves how they really want to.

Talking to someone like a friend or counselor or even another relative like an aunt, maybe a neighbor or a friend's parent can also help. I'm sorry that you're not completely comfortable with your current psychologist - it's okay to let him know that, and to look for a different one. A psychologist is there to help you, and if you don't feel like the one you have will be able to fully do that, then it's okay to try to find another one who you "click" with more. It's not uncommon to do.

But self-harming in any way, especially suicide, really doesn't help things. I know how tired things can feel, how impossible. But it turns out that even when life hits "rock bottom," it still keeps going. And can only go up from there. We're here any time you'd like to talk or need help looking for a bright spot. Feel free to PM me anytime.

Hang in there.


Drown in the music,
dance in the rain,
block out the thunder,
and let the scars fade.
   
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ladyninetyfour Offline
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Re: Self hate. - August 5th 2009, 11:06 AM

Thank you... I'm glad people are so understanding and supportive here... Obviously what you've said doesn't take away my self hate or anything, but it sort of makes me feel a bit better, like maybe I can get through this... I don't know. I don't think my self hate is just gonna go away... but maybe I might get through this in the end... I just really don't know how.
xoxox Bex xoxox


Where there's love, there's hope
You cannot destroy me!
xoxox PunkRoxS9 xoxox


Last SH: 03/08/09
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Re: Self hate. - August 6th 2009, 03:07 AM

Hi Bex,

unfortunately, there isn't a magic wand that'll make self-hate suddenly all go away at once. But thankfully there are ways to deal with it, and lessen it more and more over time. So you can definitely get through this. Sometimes, I've found that it helps to just sit down and right out all the possible constructive, healthy options so that way there is a reminder that you can do something, and all the possibilities are in front of you instead of floating around in your thoughts.

Hang in there. We'll help you through this


Drown in the music,
dance in the rain,
block out the thunder,
and let the scars fade.
   
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