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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
MadPoet Offline
You're the Original <3
Outside, huh?
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Name: Amanda.
Age: 25
Gender: Female.
Location: Michigan.

Posts: 4,685
Blog Entries: 121
Join Date: January 8th 2009

Hating life lately. - August 2nd 2009, 06:47 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

It's so pathetic that I have to ask for advice for this crap. That I can't just figure anything out on my own. I'm not even going to apologize for posting a thread in this forum like I have before, because I know you guys will tell me I shouldn't be sorry. But the truth is that posting this makes me pathetic.

I'm pathetic because I cut myself today, after getting into yet another fight with my mom. I'm pathetic because I ran into someone from my old school yesterday, which brought back my fear of leaving the house. They said hi, and I couldn't say anything. I was scared, nervous, because someone freaking said HI to me. How am I going to even survive in high school next year?

I'm pathetic because I'm overweight, and I've tried so hard over time to drop a few extra pounds. Well, fuck that. Not going to happen. I had a goal, a number of pounds to lose before school starts up again. And guess how many I've lost so far? None.

I'm scared, to death. I don't want to be bullied again, don't want to be hated again. Yet I think the real problem is that I don't want to have to be ME again. I just wish I was someone different. The kind of person who liked herself and didn't feel like shit all the time.

My family is now depressed. Talking about killing themselves. I know deep down that it's because of me. That everything that goes wrong in this house is because of me. I know that I'm a worthless, fat, stupid loser, and I'm better off dead.

I don't know what kind of help I'm asking for. I hate posting here, out in the open, for anyone to see. I hate that I know no one cares, whether it's on this website or in real life. I know that no one cares about me, and I know that because I don't care about myself.

I've learned a few unpleasant things about myself over the past few weeks. I'm judgmental, and I expect everyone to be perfect. And if their not, then I don't see them as a good friend. I can't be friends with people similiar to me for the obvious reason that I can't stand myself.

I feel like I'm going insane. I feel like everyday I get closer and closer to the day I just finally decide to kill myself. I feel like I'm just not worth it. I don't know what I'm asking for. A friend, maybe? I feel like no one gives a shit. I know whenever someone tells me they care, it's false sympathy, a load of crap. I just wish someone cared about me and thought that I was worth it. Because I don't feel that way about myself.

I honestly know I'm better off dead. Because I don't know how the Hell I'm supposed to get through this.

A lonely soul in a land of broken hearts

  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Darrenboy! Offline
my long tongue is long.
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Re: Hating life lately. - August 2nd 2009, 07:42 AM

hey amanda.

posting this doesnt make you pathetic. everyone has to tell how they're feeling (especially if its something bad ) to someone else.. so that they can listen. i do that too, and you have to remember that you are by no means pathetic. you're really helpful, and you're sweet to boot.

everyone has their imperfections. everyone has insecurities about themselves.. those who seem like they dont just mask it very, very well. and btw, I DO care and so do a lot of people over here. remember everyone has to deal with this too.. you're not alone.

and i see no reason for you not to stand yourself.. you're wonderful, and you should never forget that. you should always remember that, and keep the fact somewhere realllly deep inside you, there's something you have that a lot of people dont... i know it and i know it well.

no matter how much it takes, you'll overcome this.. and i'm this with you.

Those who have went through more pain than everyone else, and want to protect anyone and everyone they know and care for from that pain, are stronger than everyone.

we come, we help, we stick and never leave. pm me anytimeee!

Official member of the completely Unofficial free hugs Club !

I'm firing mah Hugs!
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
dancer Offline
love, anonymous
I've been here a while
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Age: 29
Gender: Female

Posts: 1,234
Join Date: March 25th 2009

Re: Hating life lately. - August 3rd 2009, 05:44 AM

Hey Amanda,

you got it right about us telling you that you shouldn't be sorry for posting here. We wanna hear what's up, whether you're ranting about the lovely cloud you just saw or about the dark cloud that's been pestering you lately.

Amanda, you're not pathetic. You're one of the least pathetic people I know. And I do care about you. A lot. You're an amazing person, and your posts have actually helped me. You're unique, creative, thoughtful, caring, expressive, good with words, just plain good.

But you are not pathetic.

You are not pathetic because you cut. I know how that feels; I typically go off into the same self-condemnation of "well, you really suck" after I do. But just because we feel that way, doesn't mean it's true. Especially not in your case.

You're not pathetic because you freaked out when someone said hi to you. Responding to that involves a lot more than people realize. I've freaked out before because I got a phone call. And I didn't even have to look at the person. Sometimes just taking a deep breath and trying to say "hi" back can be helpful. Simple, but conversations don't always require brilliant remarks.

You're not pathetic because of your weight. People care about who you are, not how much you are. Or at least, the people whose heads are on straight. And maybe just try extending your deadline. Instead of losing a certain number of pounds by the start of school, maybe by the end of the first month of school? And have you tried talking to your doctor about a good approach? Because sometimes people can work really hard at a technique that apparently "worked wonders" for someone they know but doesn't seem to be functioning correctly for them.

It's not your fault for not liking yourself. There's a lot to like about you (see affectionate rant above ). With things like depression liking one's self can just get straight-out hard. But trying to find one thing that you do like about yourself, and hanging on to that, and then later on maybe building off of it can be helpful. Because even if it's just one small, inane-ish thing, it is still something to like. And liking it means that you can like yourself.

How your family is, that's not your fault. People could feel depressed from so much as watching the news. So how they're feeling is not your fault, and the fact that you notice how they are and how they're feeling is more so a sign of your kindness more than anything else.

You're not better off dead. No way. There would be a gaping whole that the rest of the world would eventually fall into if you weren't there.

No, really.

And hey, I do care. A lot. And I'm not just saying that. It's not sympathy or coddling or anything like that. I care. I just do stuff like that.

Hang in there, Amanda. Feel free to PM me anytime.

Drown in the music,
dance in the rain,
block out the thunder,
and let the scars fade.
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