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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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ridiculousness Offline
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I think I'm losing it. - August 3rd 2009, 04:41 AM

I just need to vent. Beware, a bit of a long post. (should this be in mental health?)

It just seems like every time I wake up I just go on this downward spiral, and at the end of the day, I always end up breaking down. I'm constantly feeling sick, guilty, upset, anxious, and now I'm so paranoid I can't even sleep. I don't know why I should be guilty. I find reasons, like mistakes I did years ago, they eat away at me and I never drop them, I can't help obsessing. For that I'm a horrid person. I'm terrified of so much now, everything I do, the worst scenarios run through my head. Being in bed at night, it's like I'm expecting someone to break in, kill me or rape me or whatever, getting in a car I expect a horrible car accident. It's making me sick and I don't want to do much of anything anymore. I'm so jumpy, and I'm starting to see/hear things...it's like extremely quiet whispering that when I tune into sound like static, or even more frantic whispering, and it's sooo realistic. The hallucinations I had when I was on a certain antidepressant (I dont know if I can say the name of TH) are coming back to haunt me. Even remembering bad trips I had when I used to smoke pot...it's all coming back. I see things in corners for split seconds and freak out because it scares the shit out of ME(Its very hard to scare me. Ive desensitized myself to the most horrible things, Im a huge fan of horror/gore...), I think I'm finally losing it...t's highly disturbing and I can't even tell my therapist about it. Ive lost all interest in things I once loved, again. I can't paint or draw, or read or even write in my journal...These symptoms are all new...I've never been so paranoid. It was mainly just major ongoing depression and anxiety, but now it's accompanied by fear, pain and guilt. Even the best of days end with me crying or shutting everyone out. Just a month ago I remember being happy occasionally, having days that made me feel like everything was going to be better, but then the very next day I was even WORSE than before. Like it was punishment for being happy. Everything I conquered before is a struggle for me, I've been cutting/burning again, not as much but still, my migraines have come back, i'm smoking like no other, suicidal thoughts are popping up....and I say I wouldnt do it but I consider them so much..

What could be making my depression worse? I've gotten help, life should be good...I thought that would at least keep it steady. Does anyone know how this feels? I need to know.

I don't know why I'm finally writing about this, I should be used to it.



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Re: I think I'm losing it. - August 3rd 2009, 05:20 AM

Hi Emilie,

*hugs*

I'm sorry that things have been so rough lately. But it's really great that you've posted - I don't think anyone can really "get used" to feeling that way, and even if one does find regular ways of coping with it, when those don't seem to be working it's perfectly fine and actually a rather smart thing to do to ask for advice.

When I was younger I would actually replay all my mistakes or whatever in my head as I was trying to fall asleep, too. Even if they weren't giant things, I'd still feel horrendously guilty and like punishment was just waiting to fall on me. Then for a while I had night terrors - actually, more like night apprehesions - like that, too. And this year, I was at the point for a bit where I was near-suicidal most of the time and then when I did manage to have a "good day" would end up feeling guilty about it and just crash harder.

But take a deep breath. All of those really crappy feelings can actually be dealt with. Sometimes, you do just have to force yourself through the coping mechanisms, or to do something that you used to like, even if at that point it doesn't seem like it's helping. Because at least you're trying. And trying is some sort of buoy that can help at least keep you afloat for a bit.

As for what could have made things worse... sometimes it happens for no particular reason at all. Sometimes it can be really little things that still bother you and keep rubbing until things in general have just gotten jostled out of place. Sometimes a nagging thought that persists after something seen on TV or read can be bothersome. And then there's stuff with family or friends that can sometimes be triggering. Any of those maybe help point out something?

I know that things can feel to horrible to even tell therapists, but in order to be able to best help you, he/she does need to know everything that's going on. And I've found that it's typically the apprehension before telling therapists things like that rather than their actual response that's scarier. Sometimes writing down what you want to say, or even just writing a list of things that you would need to talk about but don't want to bring up yourself, to give to your therapist can be helpful. Though, if you're really uncomfortable telling your therapist about what's going on, things like helplines (I personally like 1-800-442-HOPE) are more anonymous but still provide a chance to work through things.

Hang in there. I know that at times like this "getting better" can seem impossibly daunting. But things will get better.

I'm pretty sure it violates some law of nature or other if they don't


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and let the scars fade.
   
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Re: I think I'm losing it. - August 3rd 2009, 05:31 AM

For the thing sthat keep you up at night that you cant seem to get out of your head, writing them down kinda gets them out there so thats its a bit easier to relax. but you were talking about an antidapressant that you were on that gave you hallucinations. they can do this to you as well


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Re: I think I'm losing it. - August 4th 2009, 06:04 PM

Thank you so much for the replies I thank you for reading.
It's nice to know I'm not completely alone with this. Today I've had a pretty neutral day, so sorry it took so long to respond. I'll try to force myself, I'm going to try painting again today or tomorrow, this whole situation should really give me inspiration.



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Re: I think I'm losing it. - August 5th 2009, 03:04 AM

Hi Emilie,

Anytime You're definitely not alone. Never hesitate to let us know whatever's going on. I hope the painting goes well!

Hang in there


Drown in the music,
dance in the rain,
block out the thunder,
and let the scars fade.
   
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Re: I think I'm losing it. - August 5th 2009, 03:27 AM

Hey there,

I am sorry you have to deal with all of this but please know that things will be okay.

I agree that sometimes getting worse can happen for no reason(which can really suck) I think the best thing for you to do is talk to your therapist and let him/her know what is going on. I know it sucks but in the end a therapist and other professionals can only help you with the information you give them so if you leave things out they can't help you to the best of their ability.

Also, I don't think you are losing it all. Depression comes in many forms and it can lead to paranoia you just have to overcome this and things will probably get better.

I think it is great you are in therap but I wanted to tell you that sometimes it can take a while for all of it to really start to work. I know that waiting it out sucks but in the end sometimes that's what you have to do. The medicine and therapy definitely help but they don't work instantly so please give it time.

I am sorry that you are cutting/burning again; it always sucks when we go back to our old habits but you can overcome this too. You said that you were going to try to paint and that is a great idea and it might help when you get an urge because it could be looked at as an alternative.

When it comes to cutting/burning the best thing I can suggest is using alternatives as much as possible (http://forums.teenhelp.org/f12-self-harm/t9418-alternatives-self-harm/). The alternatives really can work you just have to give them time to kick in and keep on doing them. The thing with alternatives is that for a while your body might resist using them because it has gotten so used to the self-harm but with time your body will get used to the alternatives and it won't resist as much.

I hope this helped and if you ever need someone to talk to please feel free to pm me.

~Jenna~


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