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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
floataway Offline
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Name: Alex
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I'm not so sure.... - August 9th 2009, 07:11 AM

I like life. honestly, I really do. Let me start by getting that out of the way.

but sometimes, I really start to wonder about what death is like.

Sometimes, out of nowhere, my head will conjure up visions about what life without me would be like. I can see all of my friends and family, and how every individual person would react to a world that I no longer took part of. And the scary part, sometimes they don't care at all. all of my friends only use me as an outlet when they get bored and want company (2 bored people are better than one). My family sees me as a burden (I don't get the best grades in school, I rarely help out around the house, all they ever tell me is how much better I could be doing, but am not.)

I am not schizophrenic, to my knowledge. though there are two sides of my head. while one side keeps showing me visions of after I am gone, the other side keeps disapproving. Like the cartoon conscience, I have a devil in one side of my head, and an angel in the other. So far the angel has won out, but the devil keeps trying anyway. In fact, recently he changed tactics. Instead of everyone not caring about me, all of a sudden everyone does care about me. a thought passes through my head, no, more a tagline. "This is what it takes to be noticed." Its getting to me. I have always felt like a ghost in my own life. people wouldn't here me when I say an answer out loud in class, instead, the person next to me (usually one of the slackers who you know doesn't pay attention) who actually did here me, repeats my words and takes credit for it. There are other cases, but just know that I feel pretty transparent at times, and the devil in my head is taking advantage of that.

I am losing the battle for control of my head, and it may cost me my life.
   
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Re: I'm not so sure.... - August 9th 2009, 07:51 AM

Hey Alex. I can relate to this. I've been there, and sometimes those thoughts come back. But let's face the reality of it. If you die, it may show people that they should pay more attention to you, but you'll be gone...for good. No more Alex. You won't exist anymore. And you won't know what will happen for sure, and they won't be able to give you the attention (the care, the love) you want and deserve. You die, and that's that.

Dying isn't the answer. I know you know that, but now you have to convince your head that too. If you need to talk, Private Message me. Don't lose this battle. It's one you won't even be able to feel guilty about losing. Win it. So you can feel something, and not just something, you can feel victorious.

Life sucks at times. But at times it can be good too. Your life kind of sucks (I'm assuming that's how you feel) right now, so this gives you something to strive for. So people don't seem to notice you. Get a hobby, get good at it, get through school, go to college, and make something of it. Make yourself known.
   
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floataway Offline
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Re: I'm not so sure.... - August 9th 2009, 07:58 AM

Thanks for the talk.

I'm not sure if there is actually anything wrong with me, but I am never sure. It could just be this summer slump that is making me depressed, I don't have anything constant to do from day to day like I have in school, its impossible to get a job anywhere right now, and as the old saying goes, "Idle hands are the devil's playthings". Having nothing to do gives me a lot of time to think. And when I run out of things to think about, that mean little devil pops up with "hey, this could be interesting", and proceeds to take over.

At the moment it is more of a what if situation, instead of actual contemplation, but if unchecked, I have no clue where these thoughts could lead.
   
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Re: I'm not so sure.... - August 9th 2009, 07:04 PM

Hey Alex,

Like you said you could just be thinking about these situations because there's not much else on your mind at the moment. However if these thoughts do continue or you get to a point where your considering hurting yourself then I'd definitely suggest talking to someone about it.

I can relate to your feeling of being unsafe ('who knows where these thoughts could see'). But these thoughts can't lead anywhere you don't want them to, though it may not feel like you can take back control of your head and thoughts it is possible. Try talking back to these thoughts and voices. Disagree with them, challenge them, tell these thoughts you disagree with them. Remind yourself that if you don't want to do, say, think about anything then you don't have to. If you don't feel comfortable trying to change these thoughts then maybe you could try to distract. Try online gaming sites etc.

PM me if you ever need anyone
Faye


Feel free to PM me

We are like butterflies who flutter for a day and think its forever
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