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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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Unhappy I've got the knife in hand.... - August 28th 2009, 06:22 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I just CAN'T deal with any of this! It's just too much, I can't take all of this crap throw at me like this! I feel like I'm drowning, and the only way to stop is by releasing my soul, realeasing all the pain, the anger, the hurt, the confusion. I love him. There, I said it. I love him, and there's nothing I can do about it. No, I'm not going to try and kill myself over a guy, that's just stupid. Sorry for those who feel like that, that's just my opinion. Guys are idiots. But EVERYFREAKINTHING is too much to handle, I feel like I'm going to snap and do something I regret. Well, something ELSE I regret. Although I don't really regret that, I mean, I DID at first, but the more I thought about it, I didn't really.

I'm coming to you guys for help because I don't really want to, but I've got no choice. I'm calm, cool, confident, and have the knife ready to slash my wrists. I already know the path down my arm I'll go.
I was watching NCIS, and there was a picture of this woman who slashed her wrists, lying in a bathtub, her wrists gashed open, and I know it was fake, but it triggered my suicide craving even more. I can't deal with any of this anymore!!!! I even cried a couple minutes ago; I NEVER cry. I just layed there sobbing my heart out, feeling like my heart was tearing in two.

Sorry it's so long, I don't blame you if you don't read this. I know I probably wouldn't.


[Edit by Katrina: We don't quite allow goodbye posts (as per the ToS), so I've edited out the last bit of your post, and I'm going to go reply to your thread as soon as I finish editing this].




Last edited by Katrina; August 30th 2009 at 12:59 PM.
   
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Re: I've got the knife in hand.... - August 28th 2009, 06:28 AM

Take a deep breath, hun.

You don't have to do anything.

And no good byes allowed.

I know that things can feel freaking impossible to deal with sometimes, but I promise, they can be dealt with in a way other than suicide. And you don't have to deal with everything at once, or get it all fixed today. It's okay to just take a nap or go to bed (I don't know what time it is where you are) and let things go until tomorrow. I promise, the world won't explode.

You mentioned the guy - and yes, you're right, he's not a reason to kill yourself. Actually, nothing is a reason to kill yourself. But anyway, people can be ridiculously important parts of our lives - but that doesn't make them all of it. Whatever's going on, you're still the foremost part of your life. No matter what else happens to anything else, what happens to you matters a lot, too.

So, what all is going on? We'll find a way to work through it.

But please hang in there, and please, please take good care of yourself. I promise - things will be alright. We're not going anywhere until they are.


Drown in the music,
dance in the rain,
block out the thunder,
and let the scars fade.
   
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Re: I've got the knife in hand.... - August 28th 2009, 06:33 AM

Quote:
It's okay to just take a nap or go to bed (I don't know what time it is where you are) and let things go until tomorrow. I promise, the world won't explode.
It's 1:30; I can't get to sleep. And things haven't gotten better; they've gotten worse. Things haven't been right since I was freaking BORN. I'm just sick and tired, and wondering why in the world I was even born.


   
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Re: I've got the knife in hand.... - August 28th 2009, 06:39 AM

I don't think you're expected to know the answer to why you were born by now. That's a really big question. While people in general are still asking "what's the meaning of life," I think it's okay if we as individuals don't know the answer to "what's the meaning of my life?"

But never forget that there is one.

I'm sorry that things have been so rough for so long - but when things keep going downhill, eventually the only place left for them to go will be up. When everything's gone wrong, that means the only thing left to happen is at least something right.

Hmm... warm milk or tea or music or something like that might help you get to sleep. When we're tired, it's okay to take a break from dealing with everything - but that doesn't mean that we have to completely give up. Because that means that we give up all the smiles that we would have had, all the moments that would have taken our breath away, all those twists in life that leave us shaking our head appreciatively - you have to stick around to find out what those will be for you.

Please hang in there.


Drown in the music,
dance in the rain,
block out the thunder,
and let the scars fade.
   
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Re: I've got the knife in hand.... - August 28th 2009, 06:41 AM

Don't do it!
Honestly, I'm sure you've got so much to live for. Take the Reasons to Live sticky for example. Think about what it would do to those who love you. And even if you think there's no one that loves you, you're wrong: I love you. Everyone on this site is here to support you.
You DO have a choice. You will always have a choice. I had a choice.
I know how you feel, honestly, I've felt exactly like this. Like you, I never cry, but that one night I did, and all I wanted to do was die. But I made it through, I made a choice, and you can too. Be strong.
PM me if you want.


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Tell me, did you fall for a shooting star?
One without a permanent scar?
And did you miss me when you were looking for yourself out there?

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Risk it all, cause I'll catch you if you fall.
   
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Re: I've got the knife in hand.... - August 28th 2009, 06:42 AM

Quote:
But never forget that there is one.
I doubt it. Not for me. There ever has been.




Quote:
I'm sorry that things have been so rough for so long - but when things keep going downhill, eventually the only place left for them to go will be up. When everything's gone wrong, that means the only thing left to happen is at least something right.
Hahaha just when I thought I hit the bottom, oh no, it HAD to go down even more. I don't think I've even hit rock bottom yet.
I'm seriously crying as I read that, I can't believe I'm crying. It's like, unreal! I just can't take it anymore; I've even written to some people I met online Goodbye notes.
I guess this is real, eh?




Quote:
Like you, I never cry, but that one night I did, and all I wanted to do was die. But I made it through, I made a choice, and you can too. Be strong.
But I can't! I'm not strong enough! This was my breaking point, and I've reached it.


   
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Re: I've got the knife in hand.... - August 28th 2009, 06:47 AM

Honey, please don't hurt yourself!

I'm sorry that things keep getting worse. It sucks. It's not fair.

But it's not a reason to kill yourself.

It hurts to hurt. And you shouldn't ever hurt. Because guess what? You are the reason you were born. Because just by existing, you've made a difference in people's lives. People are forever changed because they've brushed with you. And you've still so many people to be a part of the lives of - and to have them be a part of your life.

And your dreams, what you hope for, those are reasons for your life, too. And right now, just the chance to know what being better, having things really be better, that's a reason to live, too. Don't you want to know what that feels like?

Honey, please don't hurt yourself. We care about you a lot. I care about you a lot. I know I'm just some random person, but I've seen you around TH, a lot, and I do care about you.

Please hang in there. This doesn't have to be real. Please, if you do feel like you're going to hurt yourself, please call 911 or get to a hospital.

Because the world will have another hole without you.

PM me if you'd like to talk about anything.


Drown in the music,
dance in the rain,
block out the thunder,
and let the scars fade.
   
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Re: I've got the knife in hand.... - August 28th 2009, 06:48 AM

Quote:
Because the world will have another hole without you.
Not really, it'll be an opening for another one of the many babies popping out lately.


   
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Re: I've got the knife in hand.... - August 28th 2009, 06:50 AM

No way. They get their own space. There's no reassigning those.

And you're already here. You already matter.

You're already cared about.


Drown in the music,
dance in the rain,
block out the thunder,
and let the scars fade.
   
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Re: I've got the knife in hand.... - August 28th 2009, 06:51 AM

Quote:
You're already cared about.
Since when?? No one's cared about me, I'm just another either loud, obnoxious, annoying person, or someone who's always right there. My own MOM doesn't even freaking care about me!!


   
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Re: I've got the knife in hand.... - August 28th 2009, 06:53 AM

For every breaking point, there's a healing point, too.
Don't end it before you can reach that point.
You are strong enough. Just believe in yourself. You can do it, I know you can.


-Jenny

Tell me, did you fall for a shooting star?
One without a permanent scar?
And did you miss me when you were looking for yourself out there?

<3
Risk it all, cause I'll catch you if you fall.
   
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Re: I've got the knife in hand.... - August 28th 2009, 06:55 AM

Quote:
For every breaking point, there's a healing point, too.
Don't end it before you can reach that point.
You are strong enough. Just believe in yourself. You can do it, I know you can.
But when will I get to a "healing point"? 50 years from now?


   
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Re: I've got the knife in hand.... - August 28th 2009, 06:55 AM

Then your mother needs her brain checked.

You don't seem loud, obnoxious, or annoying at all. Normally those tones come through in people's writing, and yours definitely doesn't sound that way.

And we care about you. And I know words like "later" and "eventually" suck to hear - but there will be people who'll care about you desperately who you've just yet to meet. Really. That's not just an idealistic notion.


Drown in the music,
dance in the rain,
block out the thunder,
and let the scars fade.
   
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Re: I've got the knife in hand.... - August 28th 2009, 06:56 AM

50 years? Probably not. Most likely much sooner.

Have you tried talking to someone like a doctor or counselor? That might help the healing point come sooner.


Drown in the music,
dance in the rain,
block out the thunder,
and let the scars fade.
   
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Re: I've got the knife in hand.... - August 28th 2009, 06:58 AM

What dancer said. People who care WILL be coming. I promise.


-Jenny

Tell me, did you fall for a shooting star?
One without a permanent scar?
And did you miss me when you were looking for yourself out there?

<3
Risk it all, cause I'll catch you if you fall.
   
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Re: I've got the knife in hand.... - August 28th 2009, 07:04 AM

Quote:
You don't seem loud, obnoxious, or annoying at all. Normally those tones come through in people's writing, and yours definitely doesn't sound that way.
Haha, ask them. I even saw a video of myself, and I was disgusted with myself.


But I wrote a friend of mine that I met a suicide note, and he told me he'd do it if I did it, and I don't want someone else to do it because of me, so I'm waiting. Maybe not for long, but I'll wait; just for him. He's probably the only reason I'm alive.


   
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Re: I've got the knife in hand.... - August 28th 2009, 07:06 AM

Well, people are allowed to be loud, obnoxious, and annoying sometimes. A lot of people do it all the time without any qualms. Just points out how good of a person you really are that you might be bothered by it when you do occasionally happen to be that way.

But like I said, that's okay. Human's aren't perfect. Imperfections don't make us invalid.


Drown in the music,
dance in the rain,
block out the thunder,
and let the scars fade.
   
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Re: I've got the knife in hand.... - August 28th 2009, 07:08 AM

Quote:
But like I said, that's okay. Human's aren't perfect. Imperfections don't make us invalid.
I know, but apparently people around here don't think that. Perfect is EVERYTHING. If you aren't a blonde, blue eyed beauty, you aren't wanted.


   
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Re: I've got the knife in hand.... - August 28th 2009, 07:10 AM

I should teleport you here

But really, I promise, that ridiculous standard of beauty (sorry, blond hair, blue eyed people, no offense) isn't a standard everywhere. And physical appearance isn't a reason to want or not want someone.

Because you, intrinsically you, will always trump some eye color in importance.


Drown in the music,
dance in the rain,
block out the thunder,
and let the scars fade.
   
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Re: I've got the knife in hand.... - August 28th 2009, 07:13 AM

Quote:
I should teleport you here
PLEASE.
I would love it if you could cx
I'm sick and tired of it here.


   
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Re: I've got the knife in hand.... - August 28th 2009, 07:17 AM

I'll let you know as soon as my teleportation machine is up and running

In the meantime, we'll figure out someway for you to maybe not be so "stuck" while you're where you are.

Any sort of camp you could look into going to over your next break? Or any relatives living out of town you could visit? Or could you look even into changing schools for a new environment? Or after high school, there are environment changes that can happen - college, just working somewhere else. I know that probably seems like a horridly far time away, but time will keep passing, and it will eventually come.


Drown in the music,
dance in the rain,
block out the thunder,
and let the scars fade.
   
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Re: I've got the knife in hand.... - August 28th 2009, 07:19 AM

Quote:
Any sort of camp you could look into going to over your next break?
Already went to two. Those were one of the worst things to do EVER.




Quote:
Or any relatives living out of town you could visit?
I barely know my relatives; and I'm homeschooled.


   
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Re: I've got the knife in hand.... - August 28th 2009, 07:23 AM

Okay, then scratch the camp idea.

Could you use getting to know your relatives better as an excuse to visit them? Or are there any friends you could look into visiting? And is there any way you could talk to your mom about changing your schooling arrangements, so that you have more space to learn in an environment that'll help support your happiness rather than keep you isolated?

Sorry for all the questions - just not going to give up until we find something that'll work.

So don't you give up either.


Drown in the music,
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Re: I've got the knife in hand.... - August 28th 2009, 07:26 AM

Quote:
Could you use getting to know your relatives better as an excuse to visit them?
Um, I don't know. They all live kinda near us, we just aren't a close family at all. They're rich 'n all, and we're poor, so we don't mix.


   
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Re: I've got the knife in hand.... - August 28th 2009, 07:29 AM

Aah. Yeah, I had some relatives like that... I only met them once...

Would staying with a friend or talking to your mom about schooling be an option? Or are there any sort of classes/clubs - like local hiking or reading or something like that organizations or drawing classes or something - you could look into, to work on finding a more validating environment to be in even if for a bit, and to maybe make some friends at?


Drown in the music,
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and let the scars fade.
   
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Re: I've got the knife in hand.... - August 28th 2009, 07:32 AM

I used to take painting lessons, but I'm giving up on that for the moment; I don't have any inspiration for it; and there were always old people x) And I suck at drawing, so I quit that.
I have a couple friends, but they live farrr away; and one's moving across the ocean :|


   
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Re: I've got the knife in hand.... - August 28th 2009, 07:38 AM

Yeep - I like old people, but I don't know how I'd feel about taking a whole painting class with them... You could always pick back up again, though, or look at other options. By the way, it's really cool that you like to paint! I admire people with even relative artistic ability

Hmm... well, at least for now you can keep in touch with your friends. Where is the ocean-traveling friend moving to? But don't worry - life finds lots of ways to present opportunities to find new friends. Sometimes, sucky as it is, it just takes some waiting.


Drown in the music,
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and let the scars fade.
   
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Re: I've got the knife in hand.... - August 28th 2009, 07:49 AM

Quote:
Where is the ocean-traveling friend moving to? But don't worry - life finds lots of ways to present opportunities to find new friends. Sometimes, sucky as it is, it just takes some waiting.
She's moving to England /:
Well, she did live there before she moved here, now she's moving back for a little bit, but she'll move back sometime.


I tried to sleep, but I'm sooo hungry and I keep hearing noises Dx


   
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Re: I've got the knife in hand.... - August 28th 2009, 07:53 AM

Wow, England is interesting! Any idea where in London? I don't want to automatically assume London.

lol can you tell I envy those who get to go to cool countries?

Mmm, I've noticed houses creak more at night, when you're trying to get to sleep, than any other time. If you have any music you could listen to while trying to fall asleep, that might help. And could you raid your kitchen quickly for something to eat? Or you could just try focusing on falling asleep to wait for breakfast in the morning.

Anyway, I hope that you can catch some shut eye soon!

And hang in there I'll be thinkin' of ya


Drown in the music,
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Re: I've got the knife in hand.... - August 28th 2009, 08:01 AM

Quote:
Wow, England is interesting! Any idea where in London? I don't want to automatically assume London.
Nope, don't know.

And I'm listening to music, but my freaky computer just powered up by itself D8


   
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Re: I've got the knife in hand.... - August 28th 2009, 05:10 PM

i know life can be hard, but we're all in this together.
i'm always here for you.


When you can't find your way home,
and when life gets too hard to face on your own.
I will stand as a light through the darkness unknown,
I will walk with you, so you're never alone.
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Re: I've got the knife in hand.... - August 29th 2009, 02:25 PM

Ok look, i know just how you feel, and the truth is, it's kinda the parents job to look past the smile and see if anything really is wrong, and i know this may sound like a really bad comment but I remember when i tried to kill myself and nobody really cared so just do a big fake thing maybe go emo or somthing and tell people why and if they dont make a big deal over it then they probably dont care and maybe it is a good thing...
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Re: I've got the knife in hand.... - August 30th 2009, 01:06 PM

How are you feeling today? Any better? I'm so glad you're being helped by all of the wonderful people who've replied to your thread thus far.

I think the thing about all of this, and feeling so low, is that we can't change it overnight. And that stinks, a lot. You just have to try to hang in there through the rough spots until you feel better again, which hopefully shouldn't be too long now. (:

I have to say, I don't necessarily agree that the parents should be the one to look past the smile. Sometimes, they don't know to look past the smile. If they think everything is golden and you keep telling them so, they're simply not going to know.

DO you have anyone you can talk to, though? I know you mentioned a friend, but it sounds as though he is also going through a bit of a rough time right now. How about a teacher or counselor at school? I know it sounds both cheesy and difficult, but this is what they're there for. They're on campus to help you, usually for free, and I think you should try to take advantage of these resources your school is offering you.

Anyway, I really hope that you're feeling a little better today. Let us know. (:



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Re: I've got the knife in hand.... - September 1st 2009, 04:31 PM

You can't say no to everything..
   
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Re: I've got the knife in hand.... - September 1st 2009, 06:20 PM

Well firstly, I'm sorry about all this devostation in your live at the moment.
Now, I think that you really shoudn't cut, It's not really good thing to do, you could try going to see a counsellor or something if it would really help?

Please don't think your crazy or have some kind of mental problem, because it's defonitally not like that. <3.

Be brave, <3 We are here for you.

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