I'm dying. I don't know why. I don't really want to kill myself, but then again, I don't really want to live anymore either. Flame on a candle wick, death by burning. Ashes where my organs should be. I just feel very numb.
I quit highschool. I stopped doing the things I love. I'm bored with everything. I know where all the music is going, what the people are doing, and I don't care anymore. Sometimes I wish I could be like the kids who don't feel like cutting themselves when they go to school. Who don't have panic attacks when they walk around people and breathe their air (because it is theirs. It's always theres but never theirs). Everything seems so small, and breakable. Simple, easy. But the things that are fun and challenging crush me and break my face untill I'm a bloody lump with a razor blade slicing into my hand (God, that feels so good)
I want to see what's so good about life. I know there is something. Balancing act the universe is. Tick tock tick tock. If I feel the pain and numbness now, somewhere, someone is feeling good. Sometime some place with a fucked up face, maybe I'll feel good too.
I don't want to give up. I don't want to die. But I'm afraid I'll kill myself anyway.
I am glad to hear you say you want to see what's so good about life, cause you are right there is good to be found. If you can recognise happyness in others you can and will be able to find it in yourself. Do not give up, everyone hits a little turbulance every now and then in life. Do not feel alone or numb, somewhere someone is thinking about you, and there are always people who will be there for you as long as you are willing to let us in and listen.
Let your candle light shine forth...
Ever since we crawled out of that primordial slime, that's been our unifying cry, "More light." Sunlight. Torchlight. Candlight. Neon, incandescent lights that banish the darkness from our caves to illuminate our roads, the insides of our refrigerators. Big floods for the night games at Soldier's field. Little tiny flashlights for those books we read under the covers when we're supposed to be asleep. Light is more than watts and footcandles. Light is metaphor. Light is knowledge, light is life, light is light. Diane Frolov and Andrew Schneider, Northern Exposure, Northern Lights, 1993
It is difficult to see the good in life when you are looking at it from behind a pane of glass. It appears right now you are in limbo; you are hanging in the balance. For just a moment, do you realize the infinite power you have in this position? You have the choice to live or die, laugh or cry, love or loathe. You have the ability to ignite your own flame and choose any of millions of directions to go. But sitting alone, cutting into yourself, and lusting after the sparkle in the eyes of a child isn't going to fuel your fire.
You couldn't recognize happiness in others if it were not something you were capable of attaining. It's possible to achieve all the things you want if you can manage to step around the walls of numbness. You may not know how right now, and it's okay not to. But reaching out for help is a step. There are people who can help you to find your way, if you reach out to them.
It's okay if you lose your flame at some point. It means once you find it within again, it will shine even brighter.
"Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?" "That depends a good deal on where you want to get to." "I don't much care where-" "Then it doesn't matter which way you go."