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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
I'm Not Who You Think I Am
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I just keep falling.. - September 28th 2009, 03:09 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Things are just a mess at the moment.. well not the moment, for quite a while.. since I got outta hospital really.. Im just falling apart.. I'm up all night, struggling to sleep so much, I'm cutting so much, I keep overdosing on my medication, Im dissociating more then ever.. I cant cope with existence.. I cant cope with people, being with people, trying to be sociable but I just cant! Its like Im not really there..
Im watching myself talk and act with nothing really breaking through to me..
Im scared of being put back into hospital.. this time'll it'll be an adult ward.. much worse from what I hear.. and I found the adolescent one unbearable.. I spent more time being restrained then actually learning how to cope with anything..
I cant cope with it all over again.. the restraints, the injections.. being locked up like an animal because 'i cant be trusted'
The only thing that kept me going through that was regular visits from my best friend Tracy, but now I'm out.. It doesnt feel enough anymore..
I dont want to hurt her in any way.. I screw up relationships.. and I dont want this to be another one on my list of things ive messed up..
Im isolating myself.. I know that..
Each time things get slightly better, I fall further, Im worse then I was the first time..
But Im scared.. If anyone really saw what I was like they wouldnt wanna know anymore..
My family have given up.. they wont try anymore.. thats why I had to leave home in the first place.. and if your family wont love you or care, why would anyone else..
Im struggling..
Im lying to all of my support.. my support workers, my social worker and my psych.. my family on the very rare occaision they get in contact..
I dont wanna go back into hospital.. but I dont feel safe here, dont feel safe alone with myself..
Last week my social worker mentioned hospital.. and I freaked.. when we first met he promised me that he wouldnt do that and that it wouldnt help me.. but its all happening again..
Its driving me mad.. They all keep pushing for me to see a pysch, but I wont.. there answer to everything is to lock me away..
and I cant trust them.. I knew I couldnt, but I tried so hard at the
beginning,
I dont know what to do, I dont want to be like this but hospital is not the way..
Im scared..
Ive got my CPA next week.. and I'm dreading it.. Ive managed to avoid my pysch for 2 months, and she will be there. I dont want to have to deal with this, I just wanna hide anyway.. and people wont let me.. say its not healthy to be alone all the time..
I just want my life back..


[x] Even though I'm the sacrifice,
You wont try for me, not now,
Though I'd die to know you love me,

I'm all alone,

Isn't something missing?
Isnt someone missing me [x]

Baby, i want you to be my superman.

Last edited by xxCookiiexMonsterxx; September 28th 2009 at 03:52 PM.
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  (#2 (permalink)) Old
nobody123 Offline
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Re: I just keep falling.. - September 28th 2009, 06:33 PM

I'm not sure how I can help you but I just want you to know that you aren't alone with this. Please hold on. PM me if you want to talk.
   
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I just keep falling.. - September 28th 2009, 08:11 PM

Hey Steph

I know what its like to deal with many of these feelings, and I have to say the obvious - when it gets this bad its too hard to deal with alone. It can be tough feeling like you can't trust anybody, or to feel you can't do anything but recede from everything. Backing away from life is not going to do you any good. At this point I would suggest you try your best to be honest with everyone, and to give your psychologist a chance.

Sometimes we're dealt a bad hand when it comes to family, I'm sure they care about you but since they're failing to show it right now I'll focus on the other people. Sure, its their job to watch out for you and help you, but they also care about you. It can take a long time to regain feeling from a deep depression. It will be a whole lot faster and safer if you do it with people at your side. The thought of going to a ward can be scary, but if you cooperate with these people and stay honest they will have no reason to put you in one.

Keep trying to cope. Its very important to get out, and do as many things as you can to stay busy. I'm sure you could find some things to do with your friend every now and then too.

It's time to start moving in a different direction. No more isolating yourself. You can beat this Steph = ]



   
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Re: I just keep falling.. - September 28th 2009, 09:23 PM

u odviously want to live as ur still hear yer i no it horrilbe and annoying people say that but it tru im homeless my family couldnt deal with me and wen i do go home we just play happy families like thers nothing wrong it in ur hand if u want ur life to be better then u have to work at it and want it and learn to look on the positive side of life hospital is hard i no that i been there but it can also be the only thing that can give u ther 24hr care u odviously need cause people odviously do care !
   
  (#5 (permalink)) Old
I'm Not Who You Think I Am
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Re: I just keep falling.. - October 2nd 2009, 10:01 PM

Its more the going back into hospital that particularly bothers me.. It took me months of lies to get me out last time and I just dont know how to persuade them that I dont need to be sectioned.. I cant find a way to make things better.. I dont get on with my psych.. she drives me up the wall.. it annoys me that someone I hate so much can control my life if she wishes.. Also if I get put back into hospital I'm likely to lose my flat.. then I'm homeless.. which is not gonna make me feel any better.. my social worker has tried talking to my parents, but they wont have me back in any way, shape or form.. Im fed up of being told I cant be trusted to keep myself safe..
I live in supported living flats.. so I already have like 12 hour 'physical care' as in I have someone with me, and 24hour on call phone, to contact staff if Im struggling or whatever.. I know I am so close to being sectioned but theres gotta be a way around this.. Ive got my CPA on monday.. Im worried about whats gonna be said..
I want to trust these people so much, there in charge on my care so that I should be being honest I know.. but saying it is soo much easier then doing it..


[x] Even though I'm the sacrifice,
You wont try for me, not now,
Though I'd die to know you love me,

I'm all alone,

Isn't something missing?
Isnt someone missing me [x]

Baby, i want you to be my superman.
  Send a message via MSN to xxCookiiexMonsterxx  
  (#6 (permalink)) Old
gone_wrong Offline
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Re: I just keep falling.. - October 3rd 2009, 07:39 PM

hey, i suppost to be movin into a flat like that soon parent dont want to hav to giv a shit about me maybe hospital is the best thing it hard i no but it up to u try and let it help im not saying it easy or ur fault but maybe u could giv it another go and im sure wen u cum out they wont let u just be homeless they cant as ur an at risk person !!
   
  (#7 (permalink)) Old
I'm Not Who You Think I Am
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Re: I just keep falling.. - October 3rd 2009, 08:53 PM

Yeah, maybe your right.. I mean everyone has been saying that its for the best and that it'll help and everything.. But I cant stand being 'locked up' like that.. Everything I use to cope now is taken away from me and I become someone I dont recognise..
I become so .. i dont know.. so out of control.. I spent most of my last time in hospital in restraints and drugged up after being sedated.. I spent so much time on 1:1.. which drives me mad.. I started to trust a member of staff whilst there, and ended up in front of a load of people in a mental health assesment because of things I admitted to her.. I dont wanna get back into that kind of situation.. I cant stand the way the staff are in practically complete control.. the searches, the restrictions, having my stuff taken away from me.. I hate them so much.. I dont cope well in hospital.. Either way, CPA on monday, but Im hoping I can negotiate with my social worker and psych.. agree to more meds, allow staff to administer my meds for me or more visits or something.. i dont know.. my minds blank..

p.s.. ellie_b - good luck with getting ur flat, supported accomodation is quite good.. well if u get good staff with it then it can be..


[x] Even though I'm the sacrifice,
You wont try for me, not now,
Though I'd die to know you love me,

I'm all alone,

Isn't something missing?
Isnt someone missing me [x]

Baby, i want you to be my superman.
  Send a message via MSN to xxCookiiexMonsterxx  
  (#8 (permalink)) Old
gone_wrong Offline
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Re: I just keep falling.. - October 5th 2009, 08:31 PM

thanks hope stuff get betta for u u deseve it dude please wen eva u feeling stting think of u little dog he looks cute im leaving this site now but dont givgd luck up u been throught so much and i hav faith u can get through so much more !!! look of the bright side when all u can see is drk BDP can be over cum and im sure u can do it bye sorry i cant suort u anymore i hav to leave this site
   
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