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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
NuHalo Offline
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Name: Shaun
Age: 30
Gender: Male
Location: Winnipeg, MB, Canada

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Join Date: January 5th 2009

The purgatorium of life and oblivion. - September 28th 2009, 09:29 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

My body has shut down.

My brain, my legs, my hands, everything. But most of all my hope is lost. I just can't seem to function anymore. So much so that for more than fifteen months now I have just been a leech on the leg of society. Eat... sleep... drink... I'm the very being who defines our race as a viral infection on this world.

I don't give anything back anymore. I have a job but I work mainly once every two weeks. That isn't a job.. it's just a support for all the meager shit I buy all the time. I've been looking for a job for a long while now and recently it seems i've just given up, and it hurts.

I'm running out of my anti-depressants, and honestly I can't fucking tell whether or not they even work. My head, is balanced. But I guess that isn't the problem. I'm just a pathetic piece of shit regardless of mind state. And I missed my last therapy appointment... but where is that really going? I don't even know what to talk about half the time, and if I talked like this to her, she would be scarred for life. She would give me solutions and I wouldn't be able to emulate them, my body just can't.

I am fortunate.. to have such a great girlfriend at this moment in time. But, she lives very very far away. Fifteen months ago, I had a girlfriend as well. She lived very close and she was the one who taught me how to love. Who showed me who I truly am. I am a lover, a person who would die in a moments notice for the sake of love. My life and my soul are forever bound to the feeling.. and it is dragging me down now that it has been pried straight from my sore chest and thrown down in to the deep black.

My girlfriend shouldn't have to suffer, with this distance, with this pain I can't even go to her with directly about. How my life seems to revolve only around this one, silly emotion which is probably just as significant to the universe as one is significant to infinity. Shouldn't she be happy with someone who is less fucked up then I am?

I don't want to die. But my body doesn't want me to live either. I'm stuck in this place in between places thats worse than death and I am all alone. My parents, as kind and as gentle as they have been, are starting to collapse under the tremendous weight of my depression that has for so long been hidden underneath my mind, now unleashed by the defeats i have experienced over and over again. If I don't find a job at the very least... then I will not have a home to live in any longer. Everything is grey beyond that.

I'm not strong!
Everyone is grateful for my strength and wisdom that only comes from a mind that is always thinking and always optimistically bright.. But truthfully its only carried by a body that is dead and weak and unable to support itself. The greatest thing about me seems to be my downfall. I help others but I just can't help myself. Maybe thats for the better.

I don't know what to do.
I need to get out of this pit.
I need a job.
I want to love!
I want to cry and be with someone I can love... and I want to fall in love with Sam more than anything in this world.. but I would get hurt.

..I just needed to vent. -_-
And obviously i need help. I'm so fucked.

Click here to PM me any time, I'm here to help you if you want to talk to someone.

Beware lest you lose the substance, by grasping at the shadow. - The Dog and the Shadow, Aesop
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  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Katrina Offline
you only live once.
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Name: Katrina
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Location: New York.

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Re: The purgatorium of life and oblivion. - September 29th 2009, 01:12 AM

Ah. I'm sorry, Shaun. ]:

Your current job - are you able to ask your boss for more hours? Or next time you turn in a schedule, request more? Perhaps this would keep you a bit busier than you are now. I dunno, it's weird sounding, but I feel like sometimes it helps to have some sort of a normal day-to-day routine to keep up with. It helps the days go by.

Hm.. almost out of anti depressants - time to get some new ones? I honestly don't know a thing about Canadian health care (because I'm basically completely uneducated about world affairs right now), but I know that if I were to want to try a different sort of medication, I could make an appointment and talk about how I didn't think the kind I was on now was working. And the psychiatrist would be able to evaluate that, and the doctor could write a new prescription. I mean, they don't want you to be taking something that's not helping, and clearly you don't want to do that, so..

Your girlfriend sounds awesome, and she's dating you and not someone closer to her for a reason, you know. Probably because she thinks its a fulfilling relationship, and she certainly doesn't think you're pathetic, because I mean, you're not? You ARE strong, and you ARE intelligent, and I think it's pretty darn ballin'.

Cry. It helps. Love. It sucks, but it's worth it. And why not let yourself fall in love right now? They say it's better to have loved and lost than to not have loved at all, and sometimes, I wonder if that's true, but then I look back at all the times I was -in like- [I don't know if I've been in love yet] with people, and how happy their very being could make me right down to the core, and with that in mind, I do think they saying is somewhat true. One life to live, and a million ways to live it.

Good luck.

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life, oblivion, purgatorium

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