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Lurk Offline
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Join Date: September 20th 2009

How to put this... [rant] - October 3rd 2009, 02:22 AM

First off, sorry for cluttering this forum when there are a boatload of much more dire posts.

Long story short, I very frequently feel that I want to die. Unlike most others with this kind of thoughts, I have no compelling external reason, no horrifically abusive family members, no bullying, etc. To the contrary, I have a very caring family and live in a pleasant and safe area; I'm just a rather weak and useless person who finds life to be far more trouble than it's worth. There are some activities I mildly enjoy, but they mostly just serve as distractions, and I dread the simple day-to-day tasks of school out of pure laziness. School also tends to surround me with (apparently) cheerful people full of camaraderie and love for each other - things in which I can't participate because I'm just really uncomfortable and inept around most people my age, at least in person.

Yeah, that's right, I want to die for little more than those few pathetically insignificant reasons. Cliché as it sounds, I just can't realistically imagine myself being genuinely happy in the future. I've seen quite a few different psychiatrists and taken quite a few different prescription drugs; neither approach seems to have done much. The one problem standing in my way is the amount of people who (against all logic) care about me, 'cause I really couldn't cause them that much pain. (Suicide, I understand, brings a lot more grief and stigma than most sorts of death.)

Because of this, I'm kind of starting to hate some of these people, especially my parents. I feel like our relationship is a rather unfair arrangement; I feel like a slave, not allowed to choose his own manner of life and death. I mostly only go through the motions of life to put on a nice little show for them. Honestly, the only reason I'm still alive is because of this kind of "emotional blackmail." As dumb as it might sound, if someone I cared about had really thought this through, and tried all the alternatives, and concluded that suicide was the best option, I wouldn't begrudge them the act. I'd be sad, of course, but I'd feel a lot worse selfishly condemning them to a life of crappiness and boredom.

Again, I do apologize for this insignificant thread in a forum full of people with real problems. Nice to get it off my chest though.
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Dream Offline
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Re: How to put this... [rant] - October 3rd 2009, 04:35 AM

I don't think your reasons are insignificant. You sound terribly lonely. You're obviously very intelligent, and that in itself can lead to alienation. This drains all your energy and makes simple tasks like whatever they make you do at school very difficult.

You definitely can be happy in the future. Actually, you can be happy now. I'm not one to proselytize though. Just know that you do have the capacity. Also, don't hesitate to PM me. I'm sure I'm dealing with similar issues.

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put, rant

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