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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Hear my whispers in the dark..
Junior TeenHelper
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Name: Jen
Age: 30
Gender: Female
Location: Arkansas

Posts: 221
Join Date: January 16th 2009

Unhappy So worthless... - October 5th 2009, 04:07 AM

I've been feeling so worthless and hopeless lately. My life just hasn't been good, my family is falling apart and I feel like they blame me for everything.

I just typed a couple of paragraphs about why I'm feeling this way, but I deleted it because it sounds so stupid. I feel like I can't talk to anyone about anything, because no one will understand...

I have a plan on how I want to kill myself, and I feel like such a coward that I haven't followed through with it yet...I don't know what's stopping me.

There's a song that describes how I feel:

"Time has run out, for me,
Everything's distant
And I don't know what to believe
It's so hard,
Lost in the world's confusion
And I need to leave
For awhile, life is so meaningless
There is nothing worth a smile
So goodbye, I'll miss you.

And I'm sorry,
But this is my fate,
Everything is worthless,
No one who wants me to stay.

And I'm sorry,
But I've waited too long,
So here's my goodbye,
No one will cry over me,
I'm not worth any tears.

It's been the years of abuse,
Neglected to treat the disorder
That's controlled my youth
For so long,
I'm in a fleshy tomb burried
Up above the ground.

It's no use,
Why should I hold on
It's been five years
Don't need one more
So goodbye, life's abuse.

And I'm sorry,
But this is my fate,
Everything is worthless,
No one who wants me to stay.

And I'm sorry,
But I've waited too long,
So here's my goodbye,
No one will cry over me,
I'm not worth any tears.

And I'm sorry,
But this is my fate,
Everything is worthless,
No one who wants me to stay.

And I'm sorry,
But I've waited too long,
So here's my goodbye,
No one will cry over me,
So here's my goodbye,
No one will cry over me,
I'm not worth any tears..."


Life isn't about worrying,
That's a waste of time.
And life isn't about being perfect,
It will never happen.
Life is about finding yourself,
And finding people who accept that person.
.


My PM box is always open!
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  (#2 (permalink)) Old
.:Bibliophile:. Offline
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Re: So worthless... - October 5th 2009, 04:37 AM

Hey Jen,

I am so sorry that you are feeling this low but I want you to hang in there because you are worth so much. I know that sometimes the sadness gets us thinking all these things but those things are lies. You are important to a lot of people and a lot of people care about you.

I know that it is hard but I really wish you would try to talk to someone about this. I know that finding the right person to talk to can be hard but with time you will be able to find the right person to talk to and when you do it will feel good.

Do you have a therapist? I know that therapists can help a great deal so please consider seeing one. It really helps talking to a therapist about all this stuff. I know having a good therapist helps me; just knowing that once a week I have someone I can go to and spill my guts to, someone that I can ask for help and get advice from. It might help you as well so please give it a try?

Here is a link that might help you begin your search for a therapist:

APA Help Center - Find A Psychologist
health facilities, mental health information center
TherapistLocator.net - Home Page

I know that there are a lot more therapists out there than listed on these sites but you could at least give the one closest to you a call, see if they will/can see you and then go from there. Therapists are really good about keeping other therapists names so that they can give those names to inquiring people.

Jen, please do not believe that you are not important or that you are the cause of all the problems your family is going through because you are not.

Please hang in there and know that I am available if you want to talk.

Jenna



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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
Hear my whispers in the dark..
Junior TeenHelper
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thegirlnextdoor89's Avatar
 
Name: Jen
Age: 30
Gender: Female
Location: Arkansas

Posts: 221
Join Date: January 16th 2009

Re: So worthless... - October 5th 2009, 05:29 AM

Thanks for the reply.
I do have a counselor. I've been seeing her since January. But lately I've been more withdrawn with her because my insurance decided that I saw her enough this year (tho I only see her once a week), so they stopped paying for it. Now my parents pay out of pocket, so I don't get to see Corri (my counselor) as often. I really like her, but it's been hard not knowing how much longer I'll get to see her for.
I also don't want to tell her about the fact that I'm suicidal because I don't want her to have to admit me to the hospital. I've been in the psych ward once before, and the ER twice for suicide attempts and SH. I don't want to go back.
I don't really have any friends to talk to either. I try to talk to people sometimes, but no one ever knows what to say, so they just don't say anything at all. And when that happens enough times, you eventually just stop trying to be heard, because no one ever listens anyway.

My mom makes comments alot, basically saying that me and my brother are the cause of her depression. And I *hate* hearing that. I hate feeling like everything bad that happens in my family is my fault.

I just don't know how much longer I can do this.

I guess the reason why I haven't done it yet is that I'm scared. The last time I tried to kill myself, I OD'd. I got scared and told my mom and I went to the ER. The doctors said that if I had come in any later, I would have died. I was so sick for the next couple of days, but what made it worse was that no one knew what happened. People at work just thought I had the flu. I couldn't tell anyone. I always feel like I can't tell anyone anything, because it's like no one cares. Honestly, I don't think anyone besides my family would even notice if I wasn't around anymore. I just hate feeling like this, ya know?


Life isn't about worrying,
That's a waste of time.
And life isn't about being perfect,
It will never happen.
Life is about finding yourself,
And finding people who accept that person.
.


My PM box is always open!
  Send a message via AIM to thegirlnextdoor89 Send a message via Yahoo to thegirlnextdoor89  
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