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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Ella.x Offline
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everyone has given up on me - October 12th 2009, 10:01 PM

My doctor admitted that she has no idea what to do to help me anymore. seeing the psychiatric nurse on thursday is going to be a complete waste of time because i am a lost cause. there is no hope. i cannot be fixed. no matter how many times they increase my anti depressants of refer me to psychiatrists, i cannot be saved. I am a waste of space. I am glad that my brother did those things to me as they made me realise how pathetic I am. I dont deserve to be loved. I dont deserve to be happy. I am worthless. The only thing I can do to redeem myself is to die. It would be selfish of me to live.
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: everyone has given up on me - October 12th 2009, 10:19 PM

It brings a tear to my eye to hear that anyone thinks so badly about themselves.
I'm not expecting to be able to help much, but you have to at least try to find something positive in your life, even if it's the smallest of things.

I don't claim to know anything about you or your situation, but I do think that you need to realise that you must be worth something to have made it this far. No one is completely worthless, and I could not imagine for a second that the world would be better off with out you.

Medical 'professionals' don't have all the answers, they often see though simpler solutions. Maybe just a good friend or change of scene could help change your perspective on life.

Always here to help

All my Love,
Sezza xxx
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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: everyone has given up on me - October 12th 2009, 10:25 PM

Not everyone has given up on you, I haven't and I'm sure a lot of people on here and in real life haven't either. Meds aren't the solution to getting over things, you have to talk about them to get it out. I'm being a hypocrite by saying this, but I'm trying to do the same. You do deserve to me happy, I don't know what your brother did to you but I'm guessing it wasn't pleasant but you're still here and if you stay here you will because you deserve it more than most.


You were the angel of my life, taught me to be free
Now I'm a stranger in your eyes.
   
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
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Re: everyone has given up on me - October 12th 2009, 10:25 PM

that is deep and drepressing, my god i love life and so should u, wait is all i can say.I know it is the hardest thing to do but just wait i know it hurts. but hang in there baby like my little cat picture to left.


" I have long feared that my sins would return to visit me and the cost is more than I can bare"
   
  (#5 (permalink)) Old
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Re: everyone has given up on me - October 12th 2009, 10:42 PM

my brother used to make me suck his dick when i was about 9. I was a stupid little slut for doing it. I cant talk thse things out. Every time I try, my mouth wont even open. I'm trying, I really am, but I'm so sick of it. Nothing ever gets better. It only gets worse. I have tried to kill myself twice since june and I want to try again. I cant stand living anymore.
   
  (#6 (permalink)) Old
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Re: everyone has given up on me - October 12th 2009, 10:51 PM

It's hard to talk about these things I know, try writing it out and telling the doctor, then slowly start answering the questions she asks and if it gets too much just stop. There is a way out of this that isn't dying anf I'll help you if you want.?


You were the angel of my life, taught me to be free
Now I'm a stranger in your eyes.
   
  (#7 (permalink)) Old
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Re: everyone has given up on me - October 12th 2009, 10:53 PM

You were nine years old. You were not responsible, a child that young can be forced into doing anything and Your brother is sick for doing that. You can't blame your self.

Everyone does things they regret. Granted, some peoples regrets are bigger and far more complicated, but theres nothing you can do about the past. We've learned the hard way that dwelling on the past does nothing make things worse.

If you can't speak the words try writing them down. Talking to people on this site could be exactly what you need. Writing messages to people who you will never have to meet or speak again, people who will never judge you and will always do their best to help.

All My Love

Sezza xxx
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  (#8 (permalink)) Old
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Re: everyone has given up on me - October 12th 2009, 10:57 PM

I was old enough to know that what he was doing was wrong and fucked up and disgusting. I cant tell my doctor or the psychiatric nurse. I dont ttrust them. I dont know how to trust people anymore. Everyone I've ever gotten close to has screwed me over. I honestly dont knwo what to do anymore. I feel so trapped.
   
  (#9 (permalink)) Old
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Re: everyone has given up on me - October 12th 2009, 11:03 PM

You were unable to defend yourself against him, I'm sure you had no tother choice.

Go through this with us now... Maybe you don't really know us, and we don't know you, but thats a good thing. Even if we wanted to 'screw you over', we wouldn't be able to, we wouldn't know how.

Maybe we're not the experts, but we've probably been though enough crap in our lives to know what might be helpful.

Just give it a try, we want to help. It can't make things any worse, so at least try.

All My Love

Sezza xxx
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  (#10 (permalink)) Old
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Re: everyone has given up on me - October 12th 2009, 11:05 PM

You have to learn to take risks, its hard but things will get better! You can't blame yourself for what he made you do, you were only a child and you were scared of the consequences, you can't blame yourself for that!


You were the angel of my life, taught me to be free
Now I'm a stranger in your eyes.
   
  (#11 (permalink)) Old
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Re: everyone has given up on me - October 12th 2009, 11:37 PM

I want the nightmares to stop. I want the flashbacks to stop. I just want it all to stop. I cant deal with this. It's tearing me apart. I'm self destructing and I can't do a thing to stop it. I am no longer in control and that scares the shit out of me. I cant do this anymore. Im sorry for wasting your time
   
  (#12 (permalink)) Old
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Re: everyone has given up on me - October 13th 2009, 12:24 AM

Your not waisting our time. I think it would be a good idea to talk to your therapist about what happened. things can turn around, it's a long road when someone is trying to recover from depression and self harm but you can do it. You can be brave and strong and get through this.
Seeing the nurse could help, out there is a therapist that can help it may take time to find that someone but keep trying. I am here anytime you need someone to talk to also keep trying to talk to your therapist. pm me anytime
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  (#13 (permalink)) Old
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Re: everyone has given up on me - October 13th 2009, 12:24 AM

You are in control, you just have to take the control. There is away to stop this, you just have to force yourself to speak about this. Does the doctor even know what happened between you and your brother? You could always print thread and explain it this way?


You were the angel of my life, taught me to be free
Now I'm a stranger in your eyes.
   
  (#14 (permalink)) Old
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Re: everyone has given up on me - October 13th 2009, 03:46 AM

You will never be alone and there will never be a time when everyone has given up for you when you are here. We all have hope for each other and we are here to be the support that we don't get in our everyday lives (at least that's what I feel). You say you can't trust your doctors, then talk to us. Let it all out. People are here to listen. If we didn't care, we wouldn't be here. Nothing that has happened to you has been your fault, and you need to understand that. The moment that you realise this, you will be able to release some of the things you have been holding in.

Just remember, not everyone has given up on you. And some never will!


Sometimes in our lives we all have pain
We all have sorrow
But if we are wise
We know that there's always tomorrow

All you need is love
&
Love is all you need


   
  (#15 (permalink)) Old
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Re: everyone has given up on me - October 13th 2009, 06:13 AM

Hey there,

I want you to know that I haven't given up hope on you. You know, people had given up hope on me and I am doing a lot better. I won't lie and say I am not still struggling with some things but overall I know that life holds great things for me and I just have to let myself heal.

I really do know how hard it can be to talk to people about all the bad things that have happened to you (I dealt with the same thing) but you need to try to talk to them so that you can start to heal.

You told us what happened so why not write a note to your doctor about the abuse you suffered from? In the note you can just say "my brother did this and I feel like this." It could really help open your doctors eyes to why you are struggling and if you are not ready to talk about it I am sure they will not force you. They will work into it slowly.

It will be hard but the result will be worth it. You can make it through this you just have to believe that you are worth more than this pain and suffering and you really are.

You were not a slut for having your brother do those things to you. You know, as a child when a loved one does something that is bad we really do not know how to respond. We feel lost and we feel as if we have no control and we feel like we deserve it because if we were good they wouldn't do all those things.

But, all of that is false. Sometimes people we care about do bad things to us just because they are messed up. What happened to you in no way reflects who you are as a person.

Please stay safe and if you ever want to talk feel free to pm me.

Jenna


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  (#16 (permalink)) Old
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Re: everyone has given up on me - October 13th 2009, 11:35 AM

I cant tell anyone. I tried once and she never looked at me the same. She was my best friend and she ditched me a week after I told her. I havent spoken to her in over a year. Telling people ruins things. I dont want to mess things up even more. I can't handle being like this anymore. I need to kill the memories.
   
  (#17 (permalink)) Old
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Re: everyone has given up on me - October 13th 2009, 12:22 PM

Hey
I want you to know that i am here for you when you need it but i know what you are going though because i just went though it with another boy and it isnt your fault because you didnt know better and there are people that do care about you and i have felt the way that you are feeling right now before but what helped me is talking with friends or just good teachers that i have known and that helped because then i knew that they did care about me and then meds arent the best thing but you should try writing how you feel about taking the meds and see what your doctor says maybe you may not need them

You can alway PM anytime you want to talk
Take Care Hope everything works out
Theresa Reyes
   
  (#18 (permalink)) Old
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Re: everyone has given up on me - October 13th 2009, 12:56 PM

Hi Ella!!

Truth be told.... you ARE trapped!!

You are trapped by a LIE.

But that trap is of your own making. YOU are trapping YOU.

Think of a 'bad memory' as if it is a 'monster'. Whenever we [Because of FEAR] try to push that 'monster' away - WE give IT more power in our lives. The more we push - the more powerful [And more fearful] that 'monster' becomes.

There is an old saying - and it goes something like this....

"A lie told often enough - becomes the truth!"


And that's true even when WE are the one telling US that LIE.

But you're not going to be able to see that UNTIL YOU decide to accept the TRUTH. And I mean the REAL truth - not the LIE that you have come to believe as the 'truth'. And in order to do that - you are going to have to pull that 'monster' towards you - instead of always trying to push 'him' away. You need to 'see' that 'monster' for what 'he' IS - and NOT for what you THINK 'he' is.

Do you want to know what those 'monsters' love to eat more than anything else? The 'monsters' [Those 'bad memories'] just LOVE IT when WE believe in LIES. And 'they' just go crazy with excitement whenever we can't forgive ourselves because of those LIES. And the more unforgiving we are - the bigger that 'monster' becomes.

So IF you are serious about wanting those nightmares to end. IF you are serious about wanting those flashbacks to stop. Then YOU are going to have to STOP thinking of yourself as 'pathetic', 'unlovable' and 'worthless'. YOU are going to have to let go of those LIES.

And you are going to have to FORGIVE YOURSELF.

Whether or not you THINK you deserve to BE forgiven.

Of what - you ask?

NOT for what happened between you and your brother. The guilt of what happened rests entirely on your brother's shoulders - NOT YOURS. [Now keep in mind - the 'monster' doesn't want you to believe that - because if you DO - the 'monster' knows that 'his' days are numbered - so 'he' is going to be whispering all sort of nonsense into your ears] So what - exactly? You need to forgive yourself for holding onto something that doesn't belong to you. You have been holding onto guilt that you had [And have] no right to hold onto. Which has lead you to believe all sorts of LIES about yourself. And because you have embraced those lie - you ALSO need to forgive yourself for NOT being nearly as kind and as considerate and as compassionate and as LOVING as YOU should have been to YOU. YOU owe yourself an apology. You have really been mean to YOU. No wonder you feel so messed up. You have become your own worst enemy. You have anchored your self-esteem on LIES.

Well..... the time has come for you to stop it. Take a deep breathe - and vow that from this moment on you are going to be nicer to YOU. No longer are you going to be that 'monsters' best friend by believing in LIES. No longer are you going to be holding onto something that doesn't belong to you.

You are a very special person. Your value - your worth - is no different TODAY than it was the day before you first did that to your brother. Sure - it made you feel bad. And sure - you wish it never happened. But it did. And there is a not a soul in this world who doesn't feel the same way about something they did. So you're in good company!!

GREAT BIG HUG
Craig!!
   
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Re: everyone has given up on me - October 13th 2009, 01:01 PM

I cant do it. I give up. I'm not strong enough. He's won.
   
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Re: everyone has given up on me - October 13th 2009, 01:18 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ella.x View Post
I cant do it. I give up. I'm not strong enough. He's won.
You're not 'strong enough' to let something GO?!

You've got it backwards.

It's the holding ON [To the LIES] that's wearing you out.


GBH - Craig!!
   
  (#21 (permalink)) Old
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Re: everyone has given up on me - October 13th 2009, 03:31 PM

I can't get past it. I can't get over it. He got what he wanted. He broke me beyond repair. All I can hope for now is death.
   
  (#22 (permalink)) Old
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Re: everyone has given up on me - October 13th 2009, 05:06 PM

No one is broken beyond repair, not everyone has given up on you. Its hard to keep fighting but you will survive this.


You were the angel of my life, taught me to be free
Now I'm a stranger in your eyes.
   
  (#23 (permalink)) Old
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Re: everyone has given up on me - October 13th 2009, 08:08 PM

I can't fight it anymore. I am so tired of being this way. I'm sick of having to cut myself just to make it through the day. I'm sick of not being good enough for anyone. No matter how hard I try, it's never enough. I've tried, I really have. But I can't try any longer. I am little more than an empty shell. Nothing makes it better. I can't live like this anymore. I can't live anymore.
   
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Re: everyone has given up on me - October 14th 2009, 09:13 AM

Ella.X, please stay with us. You're wonderful.

To be honest, it fills me with rage that anyone made you think that badly about yourself. Silence is not consent; just because you went along with it (when you were a child!) does not mean that it is in anyway your fault. Please understand that. We don't want you to leave, and we don't want you to feel this way anymore.

Perhaps you could try, as hard as it is, to ease into trusting someone? You don't have to tell them right away, just please stay here. Alive. I've heard therapy doesn't work if the therapist doesn't know what's scratching at your soul.

PM me if you wish. I'm always on the computer.


Imaginary


myspace.com/lonesome_fish for poetry. I like feedback sometimes. And I like smiley faces .
   
  (#25 (permalink)) Old
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Re: everyone has given up on me - October 15th 2009, 08:12 AM

I'm seeing the psychiatric nurse in 3 hours. I'm going to try. If I cant trust her then I'm going to kill myself on monday. I'm sick of people pretending to care. I'm sick of trying. I can't cope anymore. It's all too much. I'm sorry for wasting everyone's time.

EDIT: I saw the nurse. I've been referred to a psychiatric consultant and a cognitive behavioural therapist. I don't see how either of them can help me. All I want to do is overdose again. I'm sick of being asked the same questions. I'm sick of not being able to explain myself. I hate this. I hate me. I can't see myself being happy again. I don't even want to try anymore.

Last edited by Ella.x; October 15th 2009 at 01:18 PM.
   
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