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Angry I can't go on - October 13th 2009, 05:39 PM

I'm sick and tired of this life!!!
I'm sick of these thoughts going round in my head so loud I can barely think. I'm so tired from all the sleepless nights. I'm trying to be strong, trying not to get back into the booze or cutting, but I can't keep this up for long.
There's no one I can tell this stuff to, no one cares. And I couldn't gat the words out anyways. It's all been building up for year, I though I had it all undercontrol though. but recently I've gotten worse than ever.

Today nearly tipped me over the edge. Kinda a long story but basically I'd sent this email to a teacher of mine getting some stuff of my chest. OK, not the best of ideas to tell her what I think, but I couldn't keep it in my head anymore, with everything else it's just too much. So, I'm in like loads of trouble... but that's nothing new. I'm in danger of being kicked off the course and outta the school, which is actually quite upsetting coz it's the only place I've ever felt vaguely happy. But even that I can cope with.

I guess it's just that they don't understand that bothers me. I'm being punished for having thoughts that I can't control. I desperately need to get some of this stuff outta my head, it's tearing me apart. But I can't.

I was talking to another teacher about all this, and I desperately wanted to tell her everything on my mind, I just physically couldn't get the words out. I've tried to post stuff on here before, but have never been able to find the right words, or have bottled out of posting it at the last second.

Yeah, I've got some good friends and they're there for me. But I actually just can't trust any of them. I have no one I can trust, and theres no hope.

I know no ones gonna bother to read this, and I know I'm just a pathetic mess, but I have to try one final time. I can't do this much longer.
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Re: I can't go on - October 13th 2009, 06:25 PM

Hey there,

I want you to know that someone does care; I care. I know I am just some person on the internet but I really do care about what happens to you and I believe that things will get better for you. Life can be really rough at times but when the good things come around all the rough times don't seem as bad. I know it is hard but hang in there because with time good things will come your way.

I think it is great that you tried to talk to a teacher about this; I am just sorry it didn't work out all that well. I know that sometimes people are not very understanding and sometimes people get worried so they do not handle the situation to the best of their ability.

I know it might be hard but is there anyway you could sit down and tell the school officials how you feel about school? Tell them it makes you somewhat happy and being pulled out would not be the best option.

The school might be considering pulling you out because they think you need time to get better and they might think school is too much at the moment. However, maybe if they knew how you felt about school and what it did for you they would be more willing to keep you in it.

Now, I think that you should find someone to talk to. I know it will be hard given everything that happened but talking really can help. Do you think you could try to find a counselor or something? Counselors can be really helpful, caring, and understanding if you give them time.

I am going to give you a few links that might help you begin a search for a counselor:

APA Help Center - Find A Psychologist
health facilities, mental health information center
TherapistLocator.net - Home Page

I believe the first two are only for people who live in america but the last one can be used for people that live all over. Of course the therapists listed on these sites are not necessarily going to be the therapist you go to but they could at least give you a referral to a therapist that would be fitting for you.

Another thing I think you could try is calling a hotline. I know that the Hotlines have helped people in the past. So, if you want give them a call and see if it helps.

I am going to give you a link to reasons to live. I know that it helps to look at all the reasons in life there are to live and some of them can bring a smile to your face because they are a little on the silly side. Also, once you look at the list maybe you could start your own list and sticky the reasons to live all over the place so any time you get sad you will see them and remember that life has so much to offer.

Here is the link: Reasons to Live - TeenHelp

Next, if you like music I am going to give you a link to some songs that have helped people feel more positive about things and keep holding on. It is a pretty big list so whenever you are feeling sad maybe you could distract yourself by going to youtube and trying to find the song and see if it is the right song for you. I know I have been doing that a little bit lately and I still have yet to finish the list! It is a pretty good distraction.

Here is the link: Hold On (To Hope) NEW - TeenHelp

Please hang in there and know that things will get better. Please do not give up hope on yourself because it is not lost. You are not a lost cause and you can and will make it through this.

If you ever want to chat feel free to pm me.

Jenna


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Re: I can't go on - October 13th 2009, 06:53 PM

Thanks, I really appreciate that.

I've tried counselling, several times, I just can never talk to these people. I don't know them, I can't trust them and it just never seems to help. I used to get so frustrated with the school counsellor, she always seemed to be trying to belittle me and tell me I was wrong about everything, which isn't exactly helpful.

I have a sort of 'reasons to live' list... But on bad days like this, it all seems pointless, and way too ambitious. The stuff I wanna do, the stuff I'm waiting around for is unlikely to ever happen to someone like me.

Thanks for the link to the music, thats actually really good. It'll keep me busy tonight.

I don't think I can face school tomorrow though. I made a complete arse of myself today.

Sezza xxx
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