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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
stoph Offline
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Exclamation Sick of living to keep people happy. - October 16th 2009, 03:14 AM

First thing I'm going to say; I've always been the "perfect daughter" everyone wanted to have.

After having a boy that was trouble in school, got bad grades, etc., having a cute little girl who was constantly 'happy about nothing' (or so they say), got straight A's without trying, and an army of amazing friends must have been so great to my parents.

But then everything changed, so slow you could almost call it subtle but it really is far from that.

Four years ago, on October 30th, I was kicked in the face by a horse.

Besides having a broken eyesocket, some mild brain damage, and fainting spells, I was incredibly fine. Ten months later I was back to riding again and everything seemed perfect. My last visit to the brain trauma/head specialist ended on "Problems may arise in a few years; come back and see me if such a thing happens.".

Well, it happened, it's happened for three years now and nobody gives a D***.

Entering 7th grade, I realized I was faking my place in this world, and became a shy girl. I was never a shy girl. I didn't say anything unless absolutely necessary, and before I knew it, I was pushed into the background and totally forgotten as I watched my past friends live life so happily. I still managed to maintain those straight A's...on the outside, nothing seemed wrong. I didn't even know anything was wrong.

It was 8th grade when things really came crashing down on me. I literally had no friends in any class, so following my previous ways, I sat there without saying a word unless I had to. All day. 180 days a year. I forced myself to make friends with a guy in all of my classes, but things started getting bad. I wavered in the B's.

9th grade was utter s***. This was the year I started having panic attacks, whenever I was called on in class. My heart would race like hell, my hands would go numb, and would almost faint...I felt like I either had to get out of there, or curl up in a ball and cry. But I couldn't do either, and that lead me to feeling even more trapped, and it was just a vicious cycle. Teachers that had once commented on how bright I was, gave up on me. Kids (even kids that were ONCE MY FRIENDS.) would comment and prod about how "mental" I was, they would tell teachers not to bother calling on me, because I 'don't talk'. My grades fell to low C's, high D's. While I had had a brief cutting streak in 8th grade, it became obsessive.

This year has been no different. The panic attacks are ten times worse; the depression eats at me like a ****ing parasite. My entire body feels like lead. I want to sleep all day. The friends I have are hard to keep. It got to the point where I went to the guidance counselor about my panic attacks, because I couldn't even answer with a simple letter when going over a test in English class. The counselor simply told all my teachers not to call on me after explaining my situation. It doesn't really help the fact, but at least I don't have to deal with the stress of potentially having more panic attacks.
My grades are currently failing in two classes. I've never failed a class before. All I ever hear is how lazy I am, how I'm not trying hard enough, when really, I try harder than ever. I never worked for those A's, they just came to me easily.
I just can't care. Physically cannot care. Every time I sit down to just try and do some homework, I'm stuck thinking, "What does the size of a triangle's hypotenuse have to do with anything? Is this really going to help me in life at all?" and I just end up giving up because it feels pointless to me.
I'm forced to do chores like the average person my age, and they seem equally pointless. Why clean the dishes when they'll only be dirty again? Why clean the litter box when I'll only have to do it again next week?
And it just starts this vicious cycle of not caring, parents yelling at me/not understanding/grounding me, making me feel worse, making me care less, etc.
They claim I "want something to be wrong with me" after getting kicked in the face, what the hell. No one wants to feel this way. And despite what the doctor said, they won't take me back to the doctor. Meanwhile all the childhood dreams I had are just going up in smoke, collapsing all around me and I can't do anything but sit and watch.

I have my suicide all planned out. I have the note half written; it's stayed that way since 8th grade. I don't know if I'll ever have the the guts to do it, but if it goes on much longer I just don't know.
The only reason I'm still here is to keep everyone happy.
I take it upon myself to keep the balance...balanced. I don't want to spread my misery like a disease if I ever did get those guys. I love seeing people happy; I want to keep it that way. So I keep myself alive, just so the people around me don't have to know what this feels like.

I don't have a reason to feel this way, I don't. I could blame it on some kind of chemical imbalance from getting kicked, I could blame it on a lot of things. I'm just sick of living to keep people happy.

I've gone to said guidance counselor many times this year. I'm in a support group now but that's only once a week and doesn't help me in the long run. Me + surrounded by people + being called on + having to come out of my shell and tell my feelings = panic attacks x391083209183. You get the point. :d But I'm hoping it could help me get over the attacks.
She sent out a survey to the teachers asking them what they thought about me; I won't know the results until tomorrow when she plans to call my mother to tell her. I can only imagine what I'll be coming home to -- she has no idea. And if she does, she chooses to ignore and and continue to expect the "perfect daughter" out of me.

Just today, I thought of the perfect way to put it. I said,
"I'm mentally worn out."
And that's what it is.

ps: My guidance counselor said she had a meeting tonight after sending out surveys to my teachers about me. Tomorrow she plans on calling my mom at work with the results and then calling me down to tell me how it goes.

I'm terrified, but it's just something I'm going to have to go through to get that help. =\

I can't keep screwing myself up for life like this. I probably had a full college ride in the bag; now I'm going to be taking summer school for sure.
How do I make myself care?
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
.:nat:. Offline
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Re: Sick of living to keep people happy. - October 16th 2009, 02:49 PM

heyy stoph,

you know what? I can empathise with you.
I really can. 9 years ago, I had a severe brain injury - very debilitating and they said the same o me. and guess what? It seems we are in the same situation. I have panic attackas at school, I am depressed as fuck, and mentally exhausted..

I used to efforlessly secure A grades and now Iam an average C student.

I had loads of riends, now i am withdrawn and have become socially inept while I watch my old friends do all the stuff a normal teenager is supposed to do.

It seems no one understands the severity of both our situations and that is painful.

I don't know what it is that you are asking, but I can just tell you that you are definately not alone.

I am here to talk if you ever want to. Just PM me!

Hangin there!
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
Lurk Offline
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Re: Sick of living to keep people happy. - October 16th 2009, 11:24 PM

Believe it or not, I can sympathize too; minus the brain injury and the angry parents, your story suits me perfectly as well.

Like Nat said, you're not alone. I have no baseless declarations of "it will get better" that I can use in good conscience, but keep holding on.
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