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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Trickmatic Offline
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Help. - October 17th 2009, 09:22 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I've never been one to ask for help throughout my life. I've always been alone trying to figure things out for myself as far I can remember.

I need help.

Or else I'm going to die.

This has been something of a realization for me in the past few weeks. It was very hard to accept considering I felt I made huge progress over the summer in terms of being a happy person from day-to-day. I felt as confident as I could ever remember in my life. Something funny happened. I thought I should change some things about myself. These changes I made now make me unhappy. I've gone from feeling great to another very low point in my life. I hate change. It seems that every time I do, it turns out badly.

Now, I don't care anymore. I'm doing terrible at school at the moment. I have so much work to do that I don't have the motivation for. It's just really depressing knowing that when I do try, depressing to see that everything that I do right now is just a shadow of what I know I am capable of. Friends see me as a shadow of a person that was, more intact (?), just even two months ago. The people that really know me, anyways. This is weird because I feel that I am around people more often, which makes me believe that my problem was never about having people around me, it was more about accepting myself. This is definitely the worst feeling to me now. That I can't talk to even my closest friends as I once could. It kills me how I took that away from me.

I always thought that I needed support. I know it's there. People can reassure me millions of times til their faces turn blue. It's there, it always has been, even without me knowing. I just need to help myself. I can't though. I never knew what was good for me in life until I found out too late. I just... don't know how to go about asking for help. I don't believe I deserve it more than anyone else who feels suicidal seeing as - I don't think most people would see that I have justly tried to fight depression. I've been lazy all my life, believing that I shouldn't fight for what I want in life.

I want to do things in life. I want to move out of the house away from feeling weighed down from my parents and to get a fresh start of some sorts.. I want to be passionate about my program of study in school. I want to have a circle of friends that I can interact with on a regular basis. I just don't know how to do any of this.

I want to live more than I want to die. I know I need help. I don't know what the right way to go about it is though. I would rather die than to keep living more years being uncertain and unhappy. I just don't know how to help myself.
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Re: Help. - October 18th 2009, 04:09 AM

i feel the exact same way . but the only way to get some where is with hard work . have you tried talking to any one ?
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Katrina Offline
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Re: Help. - October 18th 2009, 04:24 AM

Vincent -

The help that you need is beyond what I can give you, and you need to put yourself and the delicate situation that you're in, in the more capable hands of a professional. I've never been "that person" to say that, but I think it's worth a try. Even if they do not help you directly, I believe they will help you to help yourself. I know you're at school, and I'm assuming that your school has free counseling services. Why do I assume this? Well, I don't actually know it for sure, but I know that every college I've ever visited or heard about has free counseling services. You need to take advantage of this. There's a lady who leads my small group on "Faith and Anxiety" who's a counselor at my school, and she's so passionate about her job and has such a heart for working with us college students and making sure we're coping with, well, life as well as we can.

You're at that age, Vincent. It's time. You've been feeling this way for too long. I've known you for a couple of years, and it's time for change. I'm so, so happy to hear that you were feeling better in the summer, but I don't like that you had to compromise yourself and who you integrally are to feel better. During adolescence, we all do all sorts of role-playing as we try to figure out our identity. Until we do that, we can't give ourselves to other people and push away as soon as someone starts to find out who we are. Why? I don't know, but I've been studying it a lot lately in Sociology, and it makes so much sense to me (most likely because it's my biggest hurdle right now). So, I don't know, you tell me if that applies to you as well.

You have to ask for help. Not asking for help will not get you anywhere. You do matter, and you're just as important as anyone else, whether they're feeling like this or not. No one should have to feel this way, and the more people that will reach out and grab support professionally = the less people, hopefully long term, that will feel this way and that can reach out to OTHERS and help those. It's all connected, I feel.

I typically hate change as well, but change is healthy. Not only are you figuring out what works for you as a person and what works in your life and your lifestyle, but you're learning how to adapt to change. As we g through life, there will, undeniably, be changes. Some will be for the better, and some will be for the worse, but either way it goes, we will be so ready to take the changes and make something great out of them, because we will have learned how to adapt.

It is not healthy to be depressed over school work, Vincent, and there are ways of therapy out there for you. There are so many - cognitive behavioural therapy, medicinal therapy. Therapy through talking things out and reaching out for help.But you have to make the change. I WANT you to be so happy living your life, but "if things don't change, things won't change." It's so hard. So much harder for you to do than me to say, and I accept that wholeheartedly.

You're off the wall brilliant. And I know it. And you're going to be able to make something of yourself, but you HAVE to get the ball rolling. And it's going to be hard, once again, I hear you, but it's going to be worth it when you get to that point where you feel like you've accomplished so much. [: And you'll get there.

I believe in you, Vincent. I believe that you have the willpower to do it, and I believe there's something in your life that you're extremely passionate about, and I believe that you can draw motivation from that and apply it to other areas of your life. Do something. [:

Major (somewhat tough, I know) love from Alabamyyy. <33

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Re: Help. - October 18th 2009, 08:08 AM

I'm sorry to say that I can't help you - I'm not an expert, and don't really know what you're going through. Sounds like your problem is self-esteem. I suggest you speak to an expert. As much as we can help on the internet, we're not there when you really need our help. You can call Samaritans anytime (find you local branch number online) and they can talk things through with you. It's free, but they'll hopefully give you a little bit of a boost you need.

Holly Grogan, my friend, died 16.09.2009.
Goodbye, Holly.
May your smile light up the face of heaven.

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Re: Help. - October 28th 2009, 10:31 PM

It might be fullscale depression, or self-esteem like crmzhan says, but the only way you'll get better is to tell a psychologist.
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