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Banshee Prince Offline
One day I am gonna grow wings
Average Joe
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Name: Nash
Age: 26
Gender: Non-Binary
Location: Washington, USA

Posts: 150
Join Date: January 6th 2009

It's Back - October 29th 2009, 07:43 AM

In the last two weeks I have cried 3/4 of the days.

During Homecoming week I cried almost everyday, and that's usually my favorite week of the year. On the night of the dance I felt so horrible that I left the dance-floor and stood out in the hall. I ended up texting a friend who didn't go to the dance because last year he was the one out in the hall the whole time. And last year I felt bad for him; this year I took his place.

Then this last weekend a friend had a movie night and we all went over to watch scary movies. After the movies everybody was talking. I wasn't having a good day so I sat on her couch and listened to my ipod. And I felt bad because they all kept asking if I was okay. I mean, I have these friends who really care and I feel bad because I ruin their nights.

I don't fit in, though. It's great that they care, but I feel like the odd one out a lot of the time. In a big group I'm shy because it makes me nervous. In the smaller groups that form when we hang out I just don't know where I fit in. It seems like I used to know how to pick the right small group but lately I find myself just sort of standing around feeling like I belong anywhere else but there.

And I feel like all the time I want to be left alone, but then when I'm alone I feel so lonely. And all the time I just want less pressure and less things I have to do, but then when I have nothing to get done I feel purposeless. I want something and then when I get it it isn't what I wanted at all.

And I really can't believe I'm back to feeling like I did when I first joined TH 2 years ago.

And I feel like I never even have a good reason to feel down at all. I don't even know what could possibly make me feel the way I do.


So I will find my fears and face them
I will cower like a dog
I will kick and scream
I will kneel and plead
I'll fight like hell to hide that I'm givin' up
Another Travelin' Song ||| Bright Eyes
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Banshee Prince Offline
One day I am gonna grow wings
Average Joe
***
 
Banshee Prince's Avatar
 
Name: Nash
Age: 26
Gender: Non-Binary
Location: Washington, USA

Posts: 150
Join Date: January 6th 2009

Re: It's Back - October 30th 2009, 07:04 AM

I think my posts always end up very whiny. Oh well, there's nothing I can do about that. I think I'll just whine some more...

I'm unlovable- I no longer let people convince me otherwise because I've learned that it's true. I'm not very pretty and I'm not very outgoing. I'm smart, but I say stupid things. I'm nice, but I'm also very reserved and distant. I'm just good enough to be friends with, but never good enough for anything more. Sometimes I'm not even good enough to be friends with; I think my friends are crazy for believing otherwise.

Everybody wants something else from me. And I have to make everybody happy. I once told that to somebody, that that's my biggest flaw, I have to make everybody else happy. So the least happy of everybody ends up being me.

I'm sick of everything and everyone. I really just want to be left alone for a while.
All I want to do is sleep. Or just lay in bed. I don't need to be asleep. I just want to lay in bed all day.


So I will find my fears and face them
I will cower like a dog
I will kick and scream
I will kneel and plead
I'll fight like hell to hide that I'm givin' up
Another Travelin' Song ||| Bright Eyes
   
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