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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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Bella Offline
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Depressed and Suicidal - October 30th 2009, 07:19 AM

It seems that every time I post a thread here, there's nothing good and sometimes I wish to come on and go into the happy section and say something amazing, but I haven't had that-- I'm waiting for it, but it seems that my rollercoaster ride still wants to go down, I wonder how long this abyss will keep going.

I need somewhere to vent. My whole body is filled with so many different kinds of emotion that the main emotion that emphasizes greatly is depression. I know this for a fact because of the crap that has been happening in my life from when I was born to now. But I'll just start from last year to now. Because it seems a lot shorter.

It all started during Spring, maybe a month before- my senior year of High School. My mom was forced out of her condo. And she wasn't forced out by some stranger, but by her twin brother. Long story short: My mother's parents are sociopaths and so is he and if they don't have the money they need and aren't superior to those around them, granted family or not, then they will do anything in their power to gain that kind of power for themselves. So my mom was done to the few dollars in her pocket and I would always use my lunch money on her-- so I wouldn't eat lunch in High School because I didn't want my mom to go. But as time went on, she went and lived on the streets for many months until July where she was granted to go into a Shelter. I was so happy that she was off the streets, but then I realized that when she was out on the streets, I saw her more than when she was in the Shelter, so I felt farther away from her.

College started for me-- I'm taking 18 units because I know that if my mind was off of my life and into something so useful and needed, then I know that I might feel a better-- at least that was what I thought.

As of October 22, I turned 18 years of age. I should be excited, actually, I was. I was finally an adult and I was going to have some more opportunities open for me- but the only problem was that my years before, I was never given a door to prepare myself for such opportunities. My dad began to give me a hard time and he still does to this hour. He tells me that now I am a guest in his house and he can chose when he wants me out. At first, I thought that you know, maybe as an individual he can do that, but as a parent, he should be there for his daughter no matter what. But when I was driving home in his car he began to say how there needs to be days where I need to take a bus to college and/or coming home.

I would say "Okay, dad. I'll figure that out," but I can't. And it is not through ignorance and arrogance but predominately through the fact that where I live there isn't a bus stop until 5 miles away at the most. The place I live in doesn't have bus stops because they didn't want outcasts coming in. So yes, I am pretty wealthy, but my dad is cheap... that is another story.

When I told him no, he began to get angry and was almost going to hit me while I was driving on the freeway. I told him that if he touches me he'll regret it and he told me that I would get shit on more than he if the cops came and he read about it before. I know not to believe that, but if he does hit me which he does either mentally or physically abuse me, would I still get shit on? It's a stupid question really.

*Sigh* I just don't know what to do anymore. I tell him that if I had a car things would be easy because he never understands the details in a picture and rather the big picture itself and mainly his own picture. Like I said, I don't know what to do anymore. He tells me I don't deserve anything in his own fancy way.

And he said that if I don't find a ride or go on the bus (walk every morning for 5 miles to a bus and back, etc) then next semester I wouldn't be going to college and I don't even think that he would pay for me to go to college either. Which is hurting me because that is what I use as my scapegoat.

Anyways, what relates me to this topic is that I have thought about suicide and I am extremely depressed. So depressed that the anti-depressant pills are not working. I followed the directions and took one extra every 3-5 days up to four but it doesn't work and nothing is holding my depression anymore.

I wrote a suicide letter the other day and I reread it all the time and feel that really I should go. My education is being threatened, I am being threatened, I apparently don't deserve and I don't know what to do anymore. I need a path, or something. Because suicide is the only thought I have-- no matter what.

And if anyone says that I should talk to someone, then that would be a no. I've had therapists in the past that screwed me over... it falls into the long history AND I have a problem talking to people for some reason. People my age or younger I can talk to easily than to adults or those older than me. It's because I lack confidence that I can reach up to their level. I do want to tell a teacher that I have at least two classes with and I feel he could understand me in some way, but I never know how to start conversations like these anyways. Would I be like "Hey, I'm depressed." Or "Hey, can I talk to you? I'm depressed." And then come up with all this stuff-- I don't want to put so much stress on a person. I know I putting stress on people here, but I feel internet is different from in person-- it has a bit more emotion in person.

Anyways, I'm sorry for writing a lot. So if you have something to say to answer anything or whatever it is, please do.
   
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Banshee Prince Offline
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Re: Depressed and Suicidal - October 31st 2009, 12:25 AM

First I want to say I'm really sorry about everything going on in your life. You've definitely had a stressful past year. I'm glad that you posted because even if it's only over the internet it's good that you were able to vent.

I understand about talking to therapists, but I'm still going to say you need to talk to somebody. Just a person. A friend or teacher. You could start the conversation with, "I need somebody to talk to and I trust you. Would it be okay if I vented?" People understand the need to vent, everybody feels that way sometimes, and most people don't mind sitting down for a while and listening.
I also understand not wanting to cause people stress, I feel the same way when I think about talking to somebody about how I'm feeling, but the truth is that people really do care about what's going on in your life. It can even make people feel good knowing that you trust them enough to tell them about it. If you feel like you can talk to your teacher, then I think you should.


So I will find my fears and face them
I will cower like a dog
I will kick and scream
I will kneel and plead
I'll fight like hell to hide that I'm givin' up
Another Travelin' Song ||| Bright Eyes
   
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Re: Depressed and Suicidal - November 2nd 2009, 07:49 PM

I am sorry that things are like that but just keep venting because things can get bad if you keep things in like a coke bottle and you keep shaking it it will explode.I do suggest that you find someone that you can trust to talk to.
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