Triggering: How can I keep this up?

[spes est infinitus]

I feel depressed and suicidal a lot...
Most of the time...
Every minute...

I've had seven attempts...

Some very close... rush to the hospital close
And some where you sit, shaking, somehow saved by God during a very long night...

Oh the outside, I suppose I seem pretty normal.
I'm sarcastic.
I laugh a lot.
I sing.

But on the inside, I feel all dark and dead.

I've started going to a therapist after the adjustment counselor at my school, who I've talked to for the past couple year, found out about some particularly bad/deep cuts (I'm heavily into SH).

I really like this therapist. She's nice and I feel comfortable talking to her, but she says things like "You're a contradiction" and it makes me feel like I'm making my problems up.

I've had a lot of... things happen to me.

I just... I feel like killing myself all the time. ALL THE TIME. I keep this little bag filled with painkillers and a blade on me all the time. It's like I'm tempting myself, but honestly, I feel LESS suicidal with those items in my pocket than without.

I don't know. I'm just so mixed up and... I just don't know. I never know. I try to tell myself that it's nothing, that the feelings will go away, but it's been almost 5 years and they just WON'T.

[miika]

hey there spes est infinitus, it seems like you have alot of mixed up feelings going on at the moment and im sorry that your struggling talking to a therapist will help, have you tried telling your therapist that it makes you feel bad when she says you are a contradiction? she may be using it in a different context to the way it is comming accross.
You may feel safe carrying your blades and pills around if you associate them with a feeling of fimilliarity or a feeling of control.
Have you discussed wanting to commit suicide with your therapist? It can take a long time for theese feelings to go away but suicide is not the answer it takes alot of strength to carry on but you CAN do it. i believe in you.
take care and if you need to talk feel free to pm me anytime.
miika x

[Whisperer]

Hey there,
Welcome to TeenHelp!
Sorry you are going through such a tough time. I know how hard it can be to overcome something like this. Like Mikuno said, have you talked to your counselor about these feelings? You could even tell her how what she says upsets you. You aren't making your problems up. Do you know why you feel more suicidal without those things to tempt you? I would suggest trying to leave them at home whenever you can so you won't be tempted. Also, maybe you can talk to your therapist about maybe some medicine or something. If it's been this long maybe you need to try something new to get rid of those feelings. I hope this helped! Don't hesitate to PM me if you ever need anything at all or even just want to talk.
Take care of yourself,
Alessa

[Savanna]

That is so good that you are reaching out and trying to help yourself. You deserve it you really do. Just hand in there and everything will be ok I promise you that. Things will get better.