Triggering (Suicide): someone make it stop!

[JackOffJill]

im starting to scare myself again. three years ago i tried to kill myself by ODing on pills. needless to say i didnt die. i dont remember exactly what happened that day, especially after i took the pills. i remember leaving my house with the pills and hiding in the woods so that no one would be able to find me in time to save me. i took the pills but ended up throwing up continuously for about 4 hours or longer. i started halousinating- hearing and seeing things. after a long time i went home and my parents took me to the hospital where i stayed for 2 weeks. i promised myself then that i would never try to kill myself again because it was so painful and uncomfortable and also because when i walked up my driveway messed up, my best friend was there and i saw the look on her face. it still breaks my heart thinking about it now- and the thing that i hate is that on that day, i just pushed past her and kept walking. i feel like i killed part of myself out there in the woods. at first i thought that i had killed the suicidal part of myself. and maybe i did- except i still want to die. i dont want to take my own life because im too scared too, im too much of a coward- and i know thats a good thing but at the same time i hate it. i want to end everything but i dont have the guts to. instead, i have been trying to figure out ways to have someone else kill me. i have been thinking about meeting up with lots of random guys online, hoping that one of them will kill me. i have asked guys online to kill me during or after sex. and i dont know why i want to go that way- especially since i had a friend die like that. i know that its good that i dont want to kill myself, but at the same time its not good that i want to have someone else kill me.
im just really lost right now. im hurting so much. ive asked my bf to kill me and i know he hates when he ask him because i know he loves me. i just dont understand why i dont want to live because honestly i do have a lot to live for. im just scared that im going to lose complete control and either have someone else kill me, or that im going to start wanting to take my own life again.

[*Jen*]

Hey Karyn,

I am really sorry that you are going through all of this. It sounds like things are really hard for you right now. Think back to what you said about promising yourself that you wouldn't try to kill yourself again and you also said that you didn't want to do it. You sound rather confused about what you want right now. But you know how much it hurt your friends and family when you took an overdose. Do you really want to make them feel as bad as you are feeling now or even worse? I think you have come a long way since 3 years ago and no matter how hard things get you have to keep fighting through it.

You obviously realise that you have got things to live for and you need to hold onto these things so when you feel really down you can remind yourself of these things. If you are getting really strong thoughts of wanting someone to kill you then I suggest you get some help. I really suggest you see your doctor so you can get the help you need and deserve.

You deserve to live and think how devasted your family would be if something happened to you. Things can get much better than they are right now. You can get through this so don't give up. I am always happy to listen if you need someone to talk to. Stay strong.

[JackOffJill]

i really feel like giving in. ive been looking for guys who might be dangerous to hook up with so that if something goes wrong, then i will get lucky and will die. i really just want someone else to end it all for me. it wouldnt hurt everyone else as much if it happened that way.

[Savanna]

You have been through alot but remember that there are people that care for you and love you. One day you will be so srong because you are reaching out and that is the first step to do. Now you need to keep reaching out and get out all those emotions by expressing them. You are so brave.

[JackOffJill]

thank you Savanna. your post really cheered me up today. ive never really had anyone tell me that im brave before. it means a lot to me.

[Savanna]

That is ok because it is true. You are a very srong person. It is true and if you need to talk I am here.