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lizalover Offline
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Name: Elizabeth
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Updates - November 2nd 2009, 05:54 AM

I am sorry that it has been a while since I have written anything. I have been so busy with school work. First, I think that I should give some updates about what has happened since I last wrote. About 2 weeks ago, I almost left school and went home. This week was so hard for me and I didn't think that I was going to make it through that week. My suicide thoughts were so horrible and my cutting urges wouldn't leave me a lone. I almost completely lost hope that I would make it through the week. Everything was set up for me to return home and I was just trying to talk to my mom about me returning on saturday and then something hit me and I realized that I could finish the quarter and things just seemed to get better after that. I continued to have a challenging time though with nights and cutting urges, but things did feel better. Then two weekends ago, I went to Chicago and things really improved. I have a relaxing weekend and didn't even want to come back to school on Sunday, but I knew that I had to. I came back and then all of last week was just so perfect and peaceful. Then last night, I started to feel down again. I ended up being up until about 7am and then went to bed. Today was just such a hard day. I basically woke up and ended up having a fight with my friend on fb, took a shower and then went to go see an adult on campus that although she is part of the administration, she was a cutter when she was a student here, so she understands me and we can really relate to one another. I spent some time with her, went to dinner with her and her family in the dining room and then spent some more time with her. I spent about 2 hours with her, and it was wonderful. I felt so much better. Then she took me back to the dorm because she thought that it was too far walk for me (lol, adults, moms) and then I ended up spending some time with my RC (Resident Counselor) and my RC from last year. It's funny because my RC this year has two kids, girls (2 years and 4 months) and my RC from last year has one kid, boy (1 month). So they were spending some time together. I decided to join them and had some fun times. Things finally calmed down and then my RC had to do some work, so I decided to go back to my room. My friend that I had had a fight with earlier today was in the hall, and I told her that needed to talk to her. I went to the bathroom and came back, and she was waiting for me in my room. During the conversation, I ended up yelling (ALOT) and was angry and threatened her quite a bit. I was so angry and was so much not myself that I actually threatened to take the chair that I was sitting on and throw it through the window and then kill her. Man, was i angry. I finally calmed down and apoligized to her for everything. She, thankfully, forgave me and things are fine between me and her now. But I did get really angry and into that old mood again, after more then a week. It makes me sad because I thought that I was doing better.


"Damaged people are dangerous because they know they can survive."
"Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day saying I will try again tomorrow."
"Challenges are what make life interesting."
"We can draw lessons from the past, but we cannot live in it."
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JackOffJill Offline
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Re: Updates - November 2nd 2009, 07:11 AM

i know that u said "it makes me sad because i thought i was doing better." but the thing is, it sounds like you are doing better. i mean i dont know what it was like before, but just reading this post you seem to be in a little better place. it sounds like you have some really great support on campus! and thats really good that you feel comfortable talking to the woman. i know that right now, it seems to you like you are not improving but you are. sometimes you just have to look at the small steps, a small piece of the picture instead of the entire thing. just remember that you are strong, you can do whatever you set ur mind to, and you are getting better little by little.
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lizalover Offline
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Re: Updates - November 2nd 2009, 04:16 PM

Thanks. I know what you mean about looking a small part of the picture in comparison to the whole picture. I do know that I tend to be too hard on myself and feel like no matter how much I move forward, that it's not good enough; that I'm not good enough. This sometimes gets the better of me and I just feel even worse because I feel like I'm not going anywhere. I feel like you are right though. I do feel like I am making progress and I have more support right now then I have ever had. Although, I do have to be careful about what I say because I could get kicked out of school, this is the best thing that has ever happened to me; to come to this school. I have made so much progress here. I stopped having flashbacks, hallucinations and cutting urges here. I have only been here since last fall and I have made more progress here then I have in the 5 or 6 years before. I really think that even the medicine and all the treatment didn't even help me as much as this school has. It also makes me feel so sad to think about leaving this school. I feel happier here then I have ever had, I feel loved and cared about and like it matters if I live for tomorrow and that my friends will do anything to help me to get better. I have never had so much love for me in my entire life and I have never felt so excepted before. How did I do from being a loser in high school to being someone who so many people care about and want to help me? Whatever the reason is, I wouldn't give this up for anything!


"Damaged people are dangerous because they know they can survive."
"Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day saying I will try again tomorrow."
"Challenges are what make life interesting."
"We can draw lessons from the past, but we cannot live in it."
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