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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Larrinda Offline
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I am done. - November 3rd 2009, 03:28 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Over the past few weeks I am realized that maybe I am just a person that is supposed to be unhappy. haha.

I feel like when I over look my whole life everything is so dramatic and tramatic its crazy.

I have went through things that are so unfair. And I feel like a horrible person complaining because I know that there are people going through so much everyday but those are stong people.

I am so weak. I dont understand why I was put on this earth its like God is watching me laughing.

I was molested by two of my brother and a family friend. I never told my family about my brothers but I told them about the family friend because he tried to rape me and there was no way I was going to let him take my virginity. But he was only in jail for like a year and when he got out he came back to my house to visit everyone.

They didnt believe me. None of them did. And I had to face my whole family and tell them what happened then listen to them call me a liar behind my back,.

That is when my depression first hit and I had no idea why everything was so hard, why seriously waking up felt like a chore. I wished that every breath was my last.

I loved and still love my grandma sooo much I miss her more than anything. And knowing that she died not believing me is so hard for me to live with. When she was in the hospital in a coma I apologized for everything. For my addictions and all the stress I caused her.

Now I have to live with the fact that I will never see her again. My church says you will see her in heaven but lately I have been thinking that I cant do it. I dont believe in God. Because if there was a God she wouldnt be dead and I wouldnt feel like this every other day. My emotions are so fucked up. One day I am okay and the next I wanna jump off a cliff.

I have realized that I cant talk to any of my friends about this and that maybe this school is not the place for me.

I was thinking that maybe I will do alternative school and just graduate early. I am so sick of drama and stress.

My "friends" when my grandma died wanted to hang out and smoke. They wanted to talk about something not so sad. Well I never got a realy chance to be hurt and upset about this whole thing and I think that this is finally my time.

I cant pretend like she was not the light of my life. And that I can go on without her because I cant.

I want to die.
That is what I truely want.
There is nothing left on this earth for me. And this could be my last post.

Bye.


"My life is like a rolling river
So muddy and absurd
And although I might be mistaken
I know that I値l be heard
And I find the second I try to pull away
I知 thrown back in line
All this time"
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I am done. - November 3rd 2009, 04:09 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Larrinda View Post
Over the past few weeks I am realized that maybe I am just a person that is supposed to be unhappy. haha.

I feel like when I over look my whole life everything is so dramatic and tramatic its crazy.

I have went through things that are so unfair. And I feel like a horrible person complaining because I know that there are people going through so much everyday but those are stong people.

I am so weak. I dont understand why I was put on this earth its like God is watching me laughing.

I was molested by two of my brother and a family friend. I never told my family about my brothers but I told them about the family friend because he tried to rape me and there was no way I was going to let him take my virginity. But he was only in jail for like a year and when he got out he came back to my house to visit everyone.

They didnt believe me. None of them did. And I had to face my whole family and tell them what happened then listen to them call me a liar behind my back,.

That is when my depression first hit and I had no idea why everything was so hard, why seriously waking up felt like a chore. I wished that every breath was my last.

I loved and still love my grandma sooo much I miss her more than anything. And knowing that she died not believing me is so hard for me to live with. When she was in the hospital in a coma I apologized for everything. For my addictions and all the stress I caused her.

Now I have to live with the fact that I will never see her again. My church says you will see her in heaven but lately I have been thinking that I cant do it. I dont believe in God. Because if there was a God she wouldnt be dead and I wouldnt feel like this every other day. My emotions are so fucked up. One day I am okay and the next I wanna jump off a cliff.

I have realized that I cant talk to any of my friends about this and that maybe this school is not the place for me.

I was thinking that maybe I will do alternative school and just graduate early. I am so sick of drama and stress.

My "friends" when my grandma died wanted to hang out and smoke. They wanted to talk about something not so sad. Well I never got a realy chance to be hurt and upset about this whole thing and I think that this is finally my time.

I cant pretend like she was not the light of my life. And that I can go on without her because I cant.

I want to die.
That is what I truely want.
There is nothing left on this earth for me. And this could be my last post.

Bye.

I'm really sorry you have had to go through all of that, you really don't deserve it and you have done so well to have survived through it all.
I'm not really good at this type of advice, but i really didn't want your post to go unanswered. I'm here if you want to talk, and i mean it, even if you just want to vent. Please hang in there x
   
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I am done. - November 3rd 2009, 07:10 PM

Things will get better. Just hang in there ok. Talk to people about how you feel.
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  (#4 (permalink)) Old
Larrinda Offline
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Re: I am done. - November 3rd 2009, 08:03 PM

I had a really bad day yesterday.
I had so many emotions running through my head,

Things have never gotten that bad.
I wanted to cut soooooo bad but all the girls here took my knives and scissors.
I cant even have tape dispensers


"My life is like a rolling river
So muddy and absurd
And although I might be mistaken
I know that I値l be heard
And I find the second I try to pull away
I知 thrown back in line
All this time"
   
  (#5 (permalink)) Old
JackOffJill Offline
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Re: I am done. - November 4th 2009, 05:37 AM

first of all, i just want to say that i am glad that you have friends who watch out for u and that they took objects away. i know that you really felt like cutting, but it really wouldnt have solved anything.
you are dealing with a lot right now, with things that you unfairly had to deal with in your past. however, you arent weak. i know that all the things that you have dealt with have made u feel weak, but you are still here---that shows how but strength you have. if you do believe in God- the way i see it is that God has some people suffer to make them stronger, to make them better later on in their lives. for example i think He is having my suffer because i am going to be a social worker and now i can better relate to other people's problems and situations. God is not looking down and laughing at you, He is looking down and seeing if you can overcome another challenge that he has given you. and i know its unfair but it really will make you a stronger, amazing person in the end.
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  (#6 (permalink)) Old
Larrinda Offline
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Re: I am done. - November 4th 2009, 03:44 PM

I just dont understand it.
Why I am so up and down up and down.
My dad thinks I am bipolar.

But I think that when my period was really off and they gave me birth control I didnt need it and now I have more hormones than I should and now I am messed up.

I dont know I am not a doctor but I know that this is not normal.
Please pray for me because I literally cannot pray right now.


"My life is like a rolling river
So muddy and absurd
And although I might be mistaken
I know that I値l be heard
And I find the second I try to pull away
I知 thrown back in line
All this time"
   
  (#7 (permalink)) Old
Savanna Offline
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Re: I am done. - November 4th 2009, 05:38 PM

Everybody gets emotional and mayby you are depressed. It is a very common thing.The best way to work through things is to talk it out. You are being strong and don't give in.
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  (#8 (permalink)) Old
Larrinda Offline
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Re: I am done. - November 4th 2009, 08:34 PM

I am trying not to but its been so bad lately.

Like every other second I am feeeling another emotion?!


"My life is like a rolling river
So muddy and absurd
And although I might be mistaken
I know that I値l be heard
And I find the second I try to pull away
I知 thrown back in line
All this time"
   
  (#9 (permalink)) Old
Savanna Offline
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Re: I am done. - November 5th 2009, 07:35 PM

Emotions can become overwelming but please don't give in. Tell yourself positive things when that thought comes to your head.
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  (#10 (permalink)) Old
elmiry Offline
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Re: I am done. - November 5th 2009, 10:56 PM

As hard as it may be, right now would be the perfect time to take the small steps in making a change for yourself. Things happened to you and none of these things were your fault. Remember that there's a reason why you've made it through all this. Stay strong, nothing stays terrible forever unless you let it. Start searching for the good in every situation. Look at yourself in a different way. Who do you see in the mirror? Who are they? What's special about this person? If you catch yourself thinking negative things, try again.
Lastly, I hope things work out for you. I'm one of those people that believe every living, breathing person on this Earth has someone who cares about them. Never doubt that. If you ever feel someone doesn't believe in you, believe in YOURSELF. Prove them wrong. You can do it.
   
  (#11 (permalink)) Old
Larrinda Offline
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Re: I am done. - November 6th 2009, 02:38 AM

I just let people that dont truely love me get close to me and I know it is bad but i am naive.


"My life is like a rolling river
So muddy and absurd
And although I might be mistaken
I know that I値l be heard
And I find the second I try to pull away
I知 thrown back in line
All this time"
   
  (#12 (permalink)) Old
JackOffJill Offline
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Re: I am done. - November 6th 2009, 05:43 AM

what do u mean you let people get close to you who dont really love you? i dont think that theres anything wrong with u for that, i let some people close to me who i know dont care about me, but i let them basically run my life. ur not the only one who lets people get close. but it also depends on what you mean.
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  (#13 (permalink)) Old
Larrinda Offline
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Re: I am done. - November 6th 2009, 06:10 AM

They run my life.
I am like a robot friend ill do anything for you and I end up tiring myself out.


"My life is like a rolling river
So muddy and absurd
And although I might be mistaken
I know that I値l be heard
And I find the second I try to pull away
I知 thrown back in line
All this time"
   
  (#14 (permalink)) Old
Savanna Offline
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Re: I am done. - November 6th 2009, 04:50 PM

Well I will be your friend and I promise not to use you like that.
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  (#15 (permalink)) Old
Larrinda Offline
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Re: I am done. - November 6th 2009, 11:03 PM

Aww I am so happy.
Thank you so much.


"My life is like a rolling river
So muddy and absurd
And although I might be mistaken
I know that I値l be heard
And I find the second I try to pull away
I知 thrown back in line
All this time"
   
  (#16 (permalink)) Old
Savanna Offline
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Re: I am done. - November 9th 2009, 07:09 PM

Well it is so true.I care about you and so do others.Don't forget it.
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