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Age: 26

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What th fuck is wrong with me, god damn - November 3rd 2009, 07:56 AM

Fuck me, I'm a pathetic piece of shit.

What happened to me? I mean, I was never exactly an alpha male but I at least had my shit together. It's not as if these problems are all new, so why are they just now starting to eat at me?

I'm a fetishist, and while I know that shouldn't define me as a human being it sure makes me feel wrong. It doesn't help that it brings me so close to being a pedophile that you may as well slap a neckbeard on me and drop me outside your local school. I know that I'm not a pedophile and that I could never touch a child in that manner, but God damn it's just too close for comfort.

I feel so socially inept. I constantly find myself in situations that I just don't know how to handle. There's not a damn moment when I'm not obsessing over what people think of me. The only thing that rids me of these inhibitions is alcohol, and that proved to be more trouble than it's worth.

I wish I could communicate my feelings better. I really wish I could just tell someone my problems but when it comes down to it I just don't know what it is I've got to say. I can construct this long winded speech in my head but as soon as I try to vocalise it I just freeze. I can't tell if I'm scared of being judged or have just grown complacent.

I am totally unmotivated. I used to be a pretty good artist and writer but I haven't tried to draw or write in the past year. Same goes for schoolwork, which is an utter fucking piss-take because I have exams in the next couple of weeks. I sit down and I try to work but I can't make myself do it. I don't even know why.

Despite my constant assertions that it's about the stupidest thing a person can do I've been self harming recently. That's annoying too.

Whatever, I've forgotten quite what I wanted anyone to take away from this.

TL;DR - I am a sick fuck who is bad with people but cannot say so out loud.
   
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