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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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scnnk Offline
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Depressed?! i need help! :( - November 6th 2009, 07:37 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

i really dont know what is going on right now,
i feel more depressed and suicidal now than i ever have before.
it used to just be when something got me down id want to die then when i got over it i was happy. but now i can my the highest of highs and if someone offered me death id take it hands down.
i dont know what to!
nothing has ever happended in my live to make me feel this way (touch wood), like i havent lost anyone close, im not in an abusive house etc.
when i come on the interent and read up on depression and other people with it, i feel as though im being selfish because they have all been through something to put them there, but i havent!
i cant help the way i feel, but i dont know whether it is depression or something else or just nothing.
ive taken loads of tests and read up on depression alot. sometimes i think yess i deffiantly have it by them symptoms but then theres others that i dont. for example loss of interest in activities or things onced love. i wouldnt say i have, if anyhting im more in love with my sports now than i ever have been before.
im happy on the outside most of the time, i dont let people see whats really effecting me, i let them see what i want them too.
i do crave attention alot and exagerte things alot in order to get this attention.
i really want to get this all off my chest by telling someone, but i cant, theres no point in saying to me youll feel better in the end because there is no way i am going to tell anyone. i would never tell my parents, this sounds horrible but i hate them, i wish i didnt but i do and i cant help it. i have a coach and i feel i am quite close to her and i would love to be able to tell her but im scared. i feel once she knows she will feel like she HAS to tell somebody else because i know shes going to think i need help and i want to get better i really do but i like to do things on my own. im the same with everyhting, i have a very low self esteem and confidence. i hate teachers looking at my work becasue it makes me feel little like everything is wrong and i never ask for help. i like to work things out on my own. if i turn to my coach and go "i wont to die, ive tried to kill myslef about 10 times and think about it every minute of every day" she will be like right ok im going to call your parents. i cant deal with that, i wish sooo much i could tell her. but i wish even more that i could die. i dont want to live. i pray to god every night telling him he is taking peoples lives away form really good people who dont want to die, then theres be who is asking to die and yet he wont let me?
it doesnt make sense. ive tried lots of things to kill myslef. but things always stop me. i want it to me painless and rather it was murder to be honest than suicide. i feel awful with the thought of leaving my family with the grief of when ive gone. but i know one day soon it will get too much and thats not going to stop me. im not physically strong enought to kill myslef. i cross the road and wish i could just stand there and let the car hit me. or jump out on an ongoing car. but i cant i wont let myself becasue im scared of the pain. but i really wish i could go, i dont want to live anymore i hate the thought of one more month let a alone years!

please help what can i doo???
   
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Savanna Offline
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Re: Depressed?! i need help! :( - November 6th 2009, 07:48 PM

get out those feelings and get some help from someone you trust.Is there someone you can talk to.Just hang in there. You are stronger than you think. Look inside yourself.
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Re: Depressed?! i need help! :( - November 7th 2009, 07:24 PM

Hey there,

There are things that you can do and I think you've already recognised that by saying that you want to get this off your chest.
I know that you are scared to tell people and don't want to tell your parents but if you are at such a low that you consider taking your life then is there really anything to lose by telling someone how you feel? No. There is nothing to lose by talking to people, but so much to gain. You should be proud of yourself for posting here, it's great that you're trying to get your emotions out somehow. If you find it easier to express your emotion through writing then there's nothing stopping you from writing down your feelings or even printing off what you've posted here and handing it to someone. I think that it would be worthwhile talking to your coach. You don't necessarily have to tell your coach EVERYTHING to start off with, just asking to talk and for some support would be good. You could also ask her about confidentiality and if she'd have to tell your parents anything. I know that I've told my teacher about suicidal thoughts once and my parents weren't contacted. It does depend on who you're talking to of course, but talking is the best thing you could do right now, I think.
You can recognise that there are things stopping you from killing yourself and there are things worth living for, such as your sports. I think it's really excellent that you do recognise these things. Perhaps writing a personalised list of reasons to live would be helpful to you right now. There are reasons to live and things worth fighting for. Please try and talk to someone.

Take care.
   
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