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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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Name: Makenzie
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Location: Virginia [is for lovers :)]

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Question Not sure where this would go.. - November 12th 2009, 11:42 PM

So, in my "circle of friends", I'm the tough one. I've been through the most emotionally & physically. Everyone expects me to be the shoulder to cry on & I even expect that of myself, if you know what I mean. I'm the one that doesnt cry whenever everyone else does, I'm the one that keeps everyone and everything together when its falling apart, the one who stays strong when everyone is waiting for her to collapse.

But theres parts that people dont know...or understand..

I have the worst temper ever.. I guess its all the stress of handling my problems along with everyone elses over the years. I snap at the smallest stuff. I threw a chair out the window the other day and I've even thought about putting a gun to my friends boyfriends head bc he yelled at her in front of me.

I get so upset but dont let anything out and I feel like I'm an outcast, like I shouldn't be hangin out with anybody, I just should be home alone. I feel like I'm just a waste of space. Just an empty body.

Ughhh, help?


Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.
rest in peace daddy,
i love you & miss you so much.

taken.

It doesn't matter if the guy is perfect or the girl is perfect, as long as they are perfect for each other.
[tattooed girls do it better]

Last edited by daddys_lilsoldier; November 13th 2009 at 04:29 AM.
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Not sure where this would go.. - November 13th 2009, 06:26 AM

hey makenzie? (is that your nick name? no offense just curious) your the one who keeps everything together when its falling apart right?so what makes you think your an empty space? every single person in this world is an important human being small, big, thin, tall short, kid, elderly, teenager, baby everysingle one of them remember that.hmmm... i think you snap at smallest stuff because you've been building emotions inside you. its okay to cry once in a while on your friends shoulder. if you cant find any one im open so pm me if you like
   
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Re: Not sure where this would go.. - November 13th 2009, 11:38 PM

Makenzie is actually my name, Kenzie is my nickname.. but you can call me whatever floats your boat lol. Well yeah, but I feel like thats the only time they need me.. is when something is wrong. My bestfriend (who has been my bestfriend since birth!) always tells me that if no one else needs me, she always does. I mean I believe her, but its just whenever its group of us.. I feel like automatically outcasted. Yeah I'm pretty sure thats why.. my mom put me in a anger management class when I was 8 (a year after my dad died) and I actually got kicked out of it because I threw a chair at one kid, ha. Soo yeah. Plus since my dad died I have anxiety attacks alot, but my mom refuses to get medicine for me or anything because she thinks I'm just putting on a show. & I mean I know its okay to cry, but I just cant. Something inside of me wont let. I've gotten so mad that I almost cried but when I went to my friend, I felt bad. Aww, thanks Chris(?)


Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.
rest in peace daddy,
i love you & miss you so much.

taken.

It doesn't matter if the guy is perfect or the girl is perfect, as long as they are perfect for each other.
[tattooed girls do it better]
   
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Re: Not sure where this would go.. - November 14th 2009, 04:04 AM

Just a question, did you cry ( at any time ) when you're father died or after ?

If the answer to the question i asked is no then Chriz is right and you've been building up emotions ever since. What you're experiencing is rage that's been there this whole time and hasn't been let out and you're close to reaching a breaking point and you won't like it. You have to find a way to release it safely.

If the answer is yes then maybe something else setup the anger within you to start building. You're anger is built up so much you need to release it somehow but not on someone because you might do something you will regret. Spend sometime yourself, meditate and just do what you like to do. By meditating i mean think about your anger and the things that set you off. Secondly about the other things you experience and anything else that has had a heavy effect on you both emotionally and physically. And thirdly about what you find funny, because you need laughter. With the aim being trying to find the source of the anger. Try this, it will help.

And for your friends then just try and hang out with them one at a time for some time then back to the whole group. And by the way, the feeling of being a waste of space maybe there because maybe you feel you don't have a very close friend who is closer than anyone else. If this is true, patience is key and you'll have to wait and find a really good friend.

To summarize, i think there's a part in you that is trying to stay strong for your father but the problem is that maybe that part of your heart isn't letting the emotion out for some reason. Because it seems many stuff began when you're father passed away. If i am correct, meditating will help and patience also. Try it and let us know if it helps.
   
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Re: Not sure where this would go.. - November 15th 2009, 10:37 PM

I was only 7 (16 now), but as far as I can remember.. the only time I cried was the day he died, and a few times after that when I was all by myself. I usually felt like if I cried, everyone would cry. My mom never cried but you could tell she was always upset & she'd cry at night so I felt like I needed to be "happy" during the day so she wouldnt worry as much. Plus, soon after my dad died my brother went to jail so then I felt like I had to be the one taking care of everything, my mom included. I held my family together, I was the "happy" one, the one that showed everybody it would be okay. ALOT happened though.

The main time I'm happy and relaxed is when I play basketball, because my dad got me into it and he loved it. So thats my time to release it all, I'm the smallest person on the court 98% of the time but I play like I'm the biggest one out there. Hittin, pushin, stealin the ball, makin shots, etc etc. So thats my release.

I cant really think about the stuff bc that usually makes me either mad or upset. I dont cry I just hold it in. If I get mad I usually end up breakin stuff or goin off on somebody. My mom got me a therapist about.. 3ish years ago.. and I basically had a staring contest with him. I dont want people to sit there and tell me they understand how I feel and stuff when I know they dont.

My niece makes me laugh and smile more than anything. I'm always truely happy when I'm around her.

Yeah, I do that sometimes but idk, it still just feels like I'm an outcast. I do have one extremely really good friend, I usually just stay close to her when we're in a big group. Shes the only one that understands me the most, bc her sister died when she was younger so we understand what other people dont.

I think your summary is pretty much 100% correct.


Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.
rest in peace daddy,
i love you & miss you so much.

taken.

It doesn't matter if the guy is perfect or the girl is perfect, as long as they are perfect for each other.
[tattooed girls do it better]
   
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