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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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faithunderfire Offline
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She's in a million tiny pieces - January 3rd 2010, 05:58 AM

I'm starting to realize, that no matter how hard I try nothing is ever going to be the same again.
No matter how many tears I cry, I can't fix what is broken. I just looked at myself in the mirror, I mean really looked. I look dead. I feel dead. I looked at the scars I made on my body and I realized that I am losing control. I can't seem to pick myself up these days. I've manged to convince everyone, even myself up until this point, that I'm happy. I went and read everything I've written in the past two months, on xanga and in my personal journal, I have realized, that I am broken into a million tiny pieces and I can't be put back together. Kate's attempts to save me are useless. I'm just an empty body with no soul. I know that sounds super emo, but I don't feel anything anymore. I don't feel the need to live, but I don't feel the need to die either. I don't feel love, but I also know that I am not unloved. I think I've stopped falling, I think I've hit the bottom and I'm too weak to try and climb back to the top.

Like I said, I don't feel the need to die, but I'm tired of feeling like a waste of mass, I feel useless and worthless, and I have no ambition or desire to do anything. I used to feel this black hole inside of me, I can't even feel that anymore. I just want to to stop.

I have so many things go through my head and I try to write them down, I try to talk to people, but it seems as thought there aren't enough words to get all the thoughts out, so I run and run and run until every part of my body burns, but that isn't good enough, I've started cutting myself again, and before it was just like little scratches, but this time I'm making huge long gashes all over my body. I've lost control, and I have no idea how to get it back.
   
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Re: She's in a million tiny pieces - January 3rd 2010, 08:05 AM

hey,
i just want to say that im very sorry that you are feeling like this.
you said that you feel to weak to pull your self up. then your new goal should be to regain your strenght.
try doing things that you really enjoy as a start. what do you like to do? try to do that as much as possible. and when you cant do that, imagine yourself feeling like you do when you are doing it.
also, try to stay possitive. no one is truly worthless, no matter how much they feel they are. dont let anyone (expecially yourself!) put you down.
you said that you realized that you do have people that love you. talk to them. if you dont want such deep conversation, then dont get that deep. just talk about normal, everyday things. and realize that they find worth in you living.
you can also VM me anytime you want to talk. i dont always know what to say back, but its great to get stuff off of your chest.

i know this is all just words on a computor monitor to you. and, really, thats all it is. it may seem easier said than done, but take it one step at a time. even if you only feel a tiny bit better, it is a step in the right direction.
cherish the good days and live through the bad.

the last thing i want to say, is WOW. your writing is so poetic. is amazing how you wrote all of your feelings like that. do you write poetry? if not, you should. you would have real tallent, i can tell.

good luck
-Dani =)


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Re: She's in a million tiny pieces - January 3rd 2010, 08:05 AM

you need to take back control. tell yourself your done. im strong beautiful human being. cause thats what you are. dont let yourself get down because you feel bad about your body. your scars remind you of your past mistakes. repent and your all good, hun. im praying for you and anything you need you Message me. i promise i will help you out of this mess.


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Re: She's in a million tiny pieces - January 3rd 2010, 12:00 PM

I feel the same as you. It's not like I really want to die, I just don't see the reason in living. And for me if there is no reason, then there's really no point in it. I have depression and have been told to seek professional help but I don't want any. I hate the idea of somebody sitting behind a desk and telling me how I'm supposed to feel. Because I know myself I don't feel. It's like a constant numbness. I keep being told that there's people around me that love me but I have this paranoia. How could they possibly love me if they knew what I was doing to myself. I fear the end. I know the next time I'm alone I won't be able to repress the urge to do something really stupid. Help?


I'm just a broken heart that anyone could save.
   
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Re: She's in a million tiny pieces - January 3rd 2010, 12:16 PM

Hey faithunderfire!
First off, welcome to TH!
and I'm sorry you feel this way, you too Leah!

Now, when you scrutinize yourself very hard and look at all the damage life has done to you, it's very hard to see yourself as a whole.
It's very important to do whatever it takes to regain your strength. When you look back on everything, look at all the nice things that have happened to you. Like maybe a birthday that was very special to you, or the day you learned to ride your bike, or something that made you really happy. Happy thoughts, help regain strength, the need to go on. Take yourself for who you are. Be who you are. And all the 'bad' things that have happened to you, they may have been mistakes. they may have been wrong decisions, whatever it is, you should first stop blaming yourself (if you are), and look at them as stepping stones. Learn from them.
I heard this line that goes: Were hearts made whole just to break?
Well, I have to say, no. Nothing can break your heart but you. Or only when you let someone hurt you.
Do whatever it takes to regain your strength and smile, however hard it seems. Affirm to yourself that you are going to get out of this mess.
When I first heard of Affirmation, I thought it was bullshit, but my mom convinced me to try it, and now, whenever I'm in a fix, I affirm to myself, and that has really gotten to me through the toughest parts of my life. Affirming or positive thoughts helps because your subconscious absorbs thoughts, whatever it may be, and thinking positive convinces the subconscious that you can make the best of the situation. Try to be happy. At first it may seem really hard...but as you keep thinking happy thoughts and being happy, it gives you so much strength, it will help you confront any situation! (:
I'm not sure that is what you are looking for, but I hope it's something;
I hope I helped!
If you want to talk, please feel free to PM/VM me!

Take care
Hug

x

P.S.: I also have to add, that when you start loving yourself, then other people will be drawn to you automatically. Be confident, be happy to be who you are! After all, you get but one lifetime to be you. You'll never get it back. You may as well use it to the fullest! (:


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Re: She's in a million tiny pieces - January 3rd 2010, 02:06 PM

I just wanted to encourage you to reach out for help to people in your life because it sounds like you may have a mental illness such as Depression. Many Mental illnesses like depression are treatable with medication, therapy, and lifestyle changes such as eating balanced meals and getting enough sleep. It is however very very hard to go it alone. Your life is valuable, and with treatment things CAN get better.

Ask yourself "If I was happy, how would life be different than it is now?" It may be hard to imagine if you've been in emotional pain for a long time, but try to write as much as you can about what your life would be like. Then try to pick out the things in your "happy" life that you actually have control over and can work towards. Something like winning the lottery isn't realistic, but there are probably going to be several things that you do have control over. Make them specific and realistic goals.

There's this quote i love that i saw on some ad in a magazine that said "Once you start you're already finishing." It helps remind me that even the longest journeys begin with a single step, and that as far off as your goals may seem, that you deserve credit for any progess you've made. In the type of therapy I do, there is a list of beliefs the therapists work by. One belief says "Everyone is doing the best they can." another one says "Everyone can do better." I hated those statements for so long, because I felt like it was saying "You will never be good enough." Then i finally came to the realization that just because I have the ability to do something today doesn't mean i had that ability yesterday.



Feel free to VM or PM me any time.
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and all the sciencewe have to offer has failed them,
when worst-case scenario comes true,
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Re: She's in a million tiny pieces - January 3rd 2010, 11:19 PM

If you are weak, then rest before starting to get up again. And by rest I don't mean death. I mean do what makes you feel relaxed. Go to a movie or the park. Get some fresh air. But not something that will hurt you.

You aren't a waste of mass. You can feel things but you just aren't connected to the emotions. And that is what you should start working at. Whatever you did that brought this upon you, stop it. If it is cutting, stop. Organize your thoughts. Take the time to sit down and meditate on your life. The first thing to do is to get a taste of organization and control. So do the basic things in life with control and then complete control shall come in due time. And as you relax, watch some comedy( Clean comedy ) so that some laughter may be found within you again.
   
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Re: She's in a million tiny pieces - January 3rd 2010, 11:51 PM

I'm sorry about how your feeling right now. don't feel bad for yourself. many people care for you. for example, your parents, relatives, and friends. to feel happy again, try to make new friends. the number 1 way to meet new people your age is to join school clubs. I'm in many school clubs in my school and i've made friends that we care for each other. We give advice to each other if were facing a problem, and we go to many places to have fun. so if you turn your frown upside down, then you will have a wonderful life again. god wishes and good luck i hope i helped you every much. best wishes - occcoolboy
   
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Re: She's in a million tiny pieces - January 4th 2010, 06:02 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by justlikeme0 View Post
the last thing i want to say, is WOW. your writing is so poetic. is amazing how you wrote all of your feelings like that. do you write poetry? if not, you should. you would have real tallent, i can tell.
I used to write a lot, and I still do, but I don't let anyone read it because I don't think it's any good. You saying that helped my confidence. Thank you.

Quote:
Originally Posted by PrincessOfDamned View Post
you need to take back control. tell yourself your done. im strong beautiful human being. cause thats what you are. dont let yourself get down because you feel bad about your body. your scars remind you of your past mistakes.
It's not that I feel bad about my body, just that I've finally realized how terrible I am mentally to cause myself to look like this.

I've battled depression all since I was a child, I received help when I was like 15, I thought this all was behind me, it's just scary to know it's gotten this bad again. It's a bit of setback to know that I've relapsed into it. I never expected to hurt like this again.
   
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Re: She's in a million tiny pieces - January 4th 2010, 06:35 AM

Hey,

I am so glad that you have reached out for help and I hope that we are able to help you. I also want you to know that you are not worthless or useless; in fact I am sure you have a purpose in this life.

You know, for the longest time I felt just like you did. I felt like there was no reason for me to keep trying and being. I felt that I was destined to die so there was no reason to keep trying. So, I went to therapy. I didn't feel like it would accomplish anything but I figured what the heck I might as well give it a shot. And, it helped. I ended up getting really bad for a while but then I started getting better and I couldn't believe it.

Sometimes reaching out for help through therapy or what not can be really helpful. It can be really hard to do but in the end it might benefit you. Do you think you could give that a try?

When we hit rock bottom there is no where else for us to go but up and therapy might be exactly what you need in order to start climbing up the hill.

I know you might not feel like going to therapy and all that but sometimes we just have to push ourselves just a little bit. And, to be honest sometimes therapy can be kind of relaxing because you get to go and sit in a room and just talk about things. I know it might not seem relaxing but it can be to just be able to go in a room and know that no matter what you won't be judged or forced to fight or anything. You get a chance to just rest a bit. And, to be honest that might be exactly what you need, a chance to just rest.

Please take it into consideration and if you need anything feel free to pm me.

Jenna


   
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