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LittleFish Offline
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I'm such a freak--I don't belong with people - January 16th 2010, 04:38 AM

It's all in the title. I can't do anything right. Every single day, I go to school and feel like I'm watching everyone through a wall of glass. I don't understand them. I don't relate to them. It's like the programming which allows them to operate the way they do was never included in my brain when I was born, and now I'm stuck and I can't find out how to make myself be like them or at least follow the social norms. And as for my friends--I don't trust them. I don't trust anyone, not even my parents. My parents, they seem to love me to death. But then I think of my sister, who they seemed to love to death as well, and how they completely disowned her when she moved out without consulting them and gave up her dreams of becoming and actress. I'm scared to fail them, too: what if I grow up and I'm not what they want me to be? When it comes to friends, I'm constantly afraid that they will find me stupid or obnoxious. They don't avoid me... But I don't know, things feel different. I don't feel like they see me in the same light as they used to, and I wish they did, because I'm afraid that I've failed them and that I haven't met up to whatever standards they might have had in mind. I don't think I'm good enough for them. And I'm always terrified that, if something were ever to happen between me and the few friends I have, I wouldn't be capable of making any new ones. It's like I said, there's a wall between me and everyone else. I'm such a freak, I don't even know how to keep even the smallest spark of friendship alive and let it grow to be something stronger. Every friendship I have now was built a very long time ago, back when I still knew how to be a normal person. I feel so one-dimensional. Because of my distrust, I've emotionally isolated myself from my friends. I never actually tell them how I'm feeling. We never have deep or meaningful conversations, or confide in each other. It's like there's a happy mask glued to my face and I can't get it off. I'm so tired of pretending to be a happy, confident person, I know I'm not fooling anyone. I don't know why I bother trying anymore. Yet at the same time, I'm scared to show them all that what I really am, deep down, is a shallow, moody, attention whore. And I often wonder if anyone would give a care if I just disappeared. It's not like I've given them anything special or nice to remember me by--just a bunch of jokes, false enthusiasm, and shit that doesn't even matter. Every day I'm becoming a little more comfortable with the idea of suicide... It's scaring me.
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Re: I'm such a freak--I don't belong with people - January 16th 2010, 07:39 AM

Stop trying to be like them, you are your own individual with a life. Analyze them if you are that interested, but don't try to change yourself drastically to fit in. You'll find your own group of people sometime soon, so keep searching.
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Re: I'm such a freak--I don't belong with people - January 16th 2010, 03:12 PM

just wanted to encourage you to reach out for help to people in your life because it sounds like you may have a mental illness such as Depression or social anxiety. Many Mental illnesses like depression are treatable with medication, therapy, and lifestyle changes such as eating balanced meals and getting enough sleep. It is however very very hard to go it alone. Your life is valuable, and with treatment things CAN get better.

I hate myself a lot too. think im a dissappointment. think i'm a screw up. but i also think the world is a better place because of its screw ups, and losers, and out casts, and sinners, and freaks. there are a lot more of us than you would think, and i don't think just because we're a minority means we should give in and conform or kill ourselves. weirdos do great things. most great artists and inventors had some major issues, but they are thought of as major contributors to our society. if you stick around, maybe you would help the world in some way even if it would just be being a kick butt parent some day, or being a mentor to a teen later in life or something.

I doubt your family would be better off without you. most people won't go down in the history books. but that doesn't mean they aren't changing and contributing to the world. its like the chorus in musicals- the chorus members are just one in a group- but without them the play could not go on. sometimes when i feel like people would be better off without me i watch this videohttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uv2DyzhxpA0 its a music video that is about suicide, and has real parents whose kids killed themselves talking about how hard hard losing their children. you said you weren't suicidal, but the video is only a few minutes long and may make you rethink your belief that your family would be better off without you.

the only thing you can count on is change, so why don't you stick around? This too shall pass. Things get better, things get worse, but it won't be this way for ever. Don't be afraid to ask for help. your life is valuable.

You're NOT alone.

When the patient's body has betrayed them,
and all the sciencewe have to offer has failed them,
when worst-case scenario comes true,
clinging to hope is all we've got left.
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