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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
thisiscourtney Offline
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I'm a pansy. - January 21st 2010, 06:42 AM

I have friends. I swear I do. They're just not like me. They don't want the same things I want. I want to break free, but I want someone to break free with. I go around and people chuckle and agree that they'll join me, but I know they think it's a big joke. They laugh when I tell them I'm serious. I don't want to go to college... at least not a college in my state. I don't want to have some almighty career. I don't think that's what life is about. For me it's about learning, but not the type of knowledge you can find in any classroom. I know it's cliche, but I want to go to a bus stop, a train station, an airport, and tell them to give me the next trip out of the city. The world's too beautiful to stay in one place for too long. I'm just too scared. People will judge me for not being "normal". My parents will scold me and tell me how I ruined my life. But I feel like I'm seeing something they're not. My cousin ran away and joined a traveling carnival, my grandpa calls him a free spirit. Whenever I see him he's always so happy and carefree. I want to be that person. When my parents talk about him they say horrible things. I don't want to be the subject of those words. I can't pull myself away from caring what other people think about me because I'm scared that if my plans don't go through I'll be left alone with nowhere to go. People will shun me for my mistakes. But at the same time I don't really have plans. It's why I wish I had someone to make plans with. I talk to my long-distance girlfriend about it, I even worked up the courage to ask her to come with me. She laughed and said she plans on finding a boy and settling down. Which broke my heart. But everyone has a right to their own dreams. I mean, I'm 16, and I have to choose which college I want to go to within a month. I feel so young, like I've missed out on so much because I've been too busy torturing myself with my own thoughts. Like if I hadn't been isolating myself I could have found people like me and I would actually have someone right now. I had a best friend once. We were best friends for 7 years. Until just last summer I went to visit her and the next day she sent me a comment on Myspace saying it had been the most awkward week of her life and she didn't know what had happened and why I was so quiet. I was actually the only one talking, babbling on and trying to get her to say something. Now the only person I have is my sister, who sits me down and tells me what I'll do. "You're going to go to this college and live in a dorm." I told her I didn't want to live in a dorm and she said, "No. You're going to. You need the experience." So I told her I didn't want to go to that college and she said, "Fine. Use up all of the family's money going somewhere else. You're so selfish." So here I am. Trapped in my head. I think of killing myself, but I think it's stupid. I have a chance at life. I wouldn't give that away. But if I continue lying to everyone and lying to myself I'll be giving it away all the same. My mom can tell I have no idea what I'm doing and she always tells me to take a year off and think it over, but then I might just isolate myself further. I'm scared of everything. I'm scared of what people will think so I don't really do anything. I'm scared of what will happen if I follow what everyone thinks I should do, and what will happen if I don't.

Waitin' for my ruca.
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I'm a pansy. - January 21st 2010, 08:51 AM

Well maybe you should just try going to college out-of-state, or even out-of-country, once you figure out what you want to do. I mean, you could get your travel experience, and yet not disappoint your family.

Sure, you want to escape now, but not gonna lie, most teenagers do. And most the time, it won't work out. You're not a pansy, you're just thinking logically instead of diving head-first into something you may never be able to get out of.

Maybe you should just try your best to go through what you're going through now, maybe find a part-time job, and save up extra money? I mean, that'll either
A) Give you money to go towards college, along with your parents money, so you can afford something out-of-state or country, or
B) Give you money to be able to travel as you wish to, without using your parents money, and just travel for a bit to get away.

I mean, after travelling and getting over the rut you're stuck in, you may decide you want to go back home, and go to college after all. A year off high-school to do things like travel the country, or backpack through foreign places, is not uncommon practice.

But whatever you decide to do, talk to your family about it in a mature manner, instead of suddenly vanishing. Trust me, you want them to take you seriously, not think of you as an immature kid running away from your problems.
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Re: I'm a pansy. - January 21st 2010, 03:08 PM


This song seems to describe exactly how you are feeling.

"Grew up in a small town
And when the rain would fall down
I'd just stare out my window
Dreamin' of what could be
And if I'd end up happy
I would pray

Trying hard to reach out
But when I tried to speak out
Felt like no one could hear me
Wanted to belong here
But something felt so wrong here
So I prayed I could breakaway

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes till I touch the sky
And I'll make a wish, take a chance, make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget all the ones that I love
I'll take a risk, take a chance, make a change
And breakaway "
breakaway by kelly clarkson

I think its a wonderful thing you want to break the mold. I think that if your family loves you in time they will understand it was necessary to follow your dreams (not theirs) to be happy. You can do it. Make a smart plan, but break away if that's what will keep you alive. You're thinking about ending your whole life, so instead why dont you end your ties with society's pressures to follow a set path?

You're NOT alone. And you're not a pansy.

When the patient's body has betrayed them,
and all the sciencewe have to offer has failed them,
when worst-case scenario comes true,
clinging to hope is all we've got left.
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Re: I'm a pansy. - January 23rd 2010, 05:28 PM

Well courtney, concerning being a free spirit, it depends on what you want and you should follow what you want. But i support this only on the condition that what you want to do is something that will not end up hurting you or making you follow another way of life when you could have had a better one. By this I mean you doing something that will make you regret your choices. I hope you get what I mean. So think really carefully about what you want. But I have to say that I too think that the world is beautiful, so that appears to be a good idea. Just make sure you take care.

Oh and about your sister : If she really said that then she is the selfish one because it seems she is using your life. Stand by your choices. If you don't want to go to that college then that is your choice. Stand by it.

And don't let such things make you want to kill yourself because you haven't done any wrong. Surely you haven't. So why should you be sorry or even want to kill yourself.

And now to finish off : Don't be scared about anything. Don't be. It is understandable that you don't want to make the wrong decision, and so thinking about your options is the best way to go. Lets use the college choices for example. If you have colleges A,B, and C and you want to go to c because you feel you would like it then go for it. Do some research on it and then decide. But it is your decision, if it is the wrong you will know at some point. But meditating on it helps you make the right choice. So meditate.

Summary : Don't be afraid. Follow your heart. If things get hard or choices become hard, meditate on it and reason it out. Make an advantage/disadvantage list(pro-con list). And make YOUR decision and stand your ground. Also consider other people's advice BUT there is a clear distinction between someone planning your life out for you without your thoughts and you making your own choices.

Last edited by Jacksonian; January 23rd 2010 at 05:33 PM. Reason: correction + addition
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Re: I'm a pansy. - January 23rd 2010, 07:38 PM

Your long-distance girlfriend sounds like a flake. I'm sorry, but it's true. And it's long-distance, so I don't think it would work out, so I would cut her loose and find someone who really does want to be with you.
As for what your parents think, sometimes you can't even care about what your parents say, even if they are your parents. It's your life and your choices, not theirs. If your cousin can do it, why can't you? Ask him to help you out, see if he can get you into doing what he does. You can do anything you set your mind to, and there's no reason you should fail. Even if you did, there would be friends and other family members who can support you or let them stay with you I'm sure. You can't let other people change your mind or change your life for you, you need to do what you want and do what's best for you, and not care what other people want you to do or what other people say about you. Just be a free spirit and go your own way, and believe in yourself!
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