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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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Is it just me, or is the world rising? - February 9th 2010, 09:09 PM

This is going to be fucking long, so I may as well start with the embarrassing stuff:

I've long been someone without convictions, unable to fight for or even identify what I stand for and believe. Frankly, I was sick of it, sick of being a socially anxious bisexual agnostic libertarian who couldn't stand up for a single damn thing. So I created a fantasy world, a convenient lie that allowed me to avoid facing my fears and let me finally feel like I had an identity, a place in this world. Back in June, I decided to come out as gay to my friends, my family, and a few acquaintances. I should have known then that I was deceiving myself, because anxiety and fear began to cloud my every move. My mind became a whirlwind of what-ifs: what if my friends abandon me, what if I'm not accepted, what if this is all a joke and I've wasted the last four years absorbed by a questioning mind. But it felt good to finally have a supportive group around me. I went to the local gay bar every week, and for the first time in 19 years, I felt wanted, attractive, at ease with myself.

I came out to my best friend, who was surprised but accepting, to my parents who went into denial, and to a few others who didn't matter to me. But something still felt wrong, and after I slept with another guy I began to have my doubts -- it wasn't bad per se, but I still felt unhappy, incomplete. I went to counseling a few times, to a shrink once and was prescribed zoloft. The first night I couldn't sleep at all, wanted to kill myself, called my parents at 3 am and told them to drive 10 hours to school to take me home. Since then, its all been a fog. I was switched to lexapro, high-dose prozac, then low-dose p, xanax, and wellbutrin. I started to feel better and no longer wanted to die, but I became incredibly anxious and felt like a mindless zombie: I couldn't think, couldn't remember the lyrics to my favorite song, just woke up, ate, worked out, and played video games all day.

I transferred schools to be closer to home, lost contact with all my friends and lost interest in my hobbies, my studies, my health, and people in general. Now, just making it through each day feels like an insurmountable effort. The meds don't help, my mind shuts down every time I try to talk to a counselor, I feel unable to learn, unable to remember simple things, unable to see a ray of light through all this darkness. I spend most of each day alone in my dorm, never go out, go home every weekend.


And I have no idea why -- I've finally gained some sense of identity: I'm now convinced that I'm straight, studying the one thing I always wanted to (architecture), and all I want to do is live, I just want to enjoy the simple things in life, to escape the past, and most importantly, to move forward. But I can't. I feel like a hollow shell, a fraction of the man I used to be. Where I used to succeed, now I fail. I can't carry on a conversation, can't make friends, can't remember better days. And it keeps getting worse -- I'm descending from purgatory into hell, and unlike Jesus, I won't rise again on the third day.

If this all makes no sense, well, it doesn't to me either, and it certainly doesn't to all the psychiatrists, doctors, counselors, etc. I really don't want to die, but I feel like I'm already wasting away, just a mass of flesh and bone waiting for the inevitable. I can't live this way much longer, and I can really only see one way out... I just wish someone had another answer.

PM me if you want to talk
-James
   
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Re: Is it just me, or is the world rising? - February 9th 2010, 10:19 PM

Hey there James,
I wish I could tell you I have all the answers and magically make you feel better, but I don't and I can't. I am here for you though along with everyone else in your life. What I would suggest is to start doing little things that you enjoy. Like maybe once a week try going out to a movie or out for dinner. Make one new friend every month and have them come over every once and a while. It always makes me feel better when I get out of the house because then I feel like I have accomplished something despite anxiety and depression. I know it's can be hard in the moment, but it's definately worth it. Just remember, you will get through this. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Don't give up James, because things will get better and you will be able to live your life.
Take care,

Alessa


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Re: Is it just me, or is the world rising? - February 10th 2010, 12:54 AM

Thanks Alessa, it's just so hard to do when all my passions are gone. I've been going to group sessions for social anxiety, and it's been great to meet other people with "issues," so to speak. I just want to reach out to them, but it seems there's not enough of me left to do that. As for the rest of them, I never want to meet another guy as long as I live, and girls will have nothing to do with me.

The worst is what this has done to my faith. I was never a great Christian, but I always wanted a relationship with God. Now, it seems he's left me for good, and I just can't pray anymore. The only reason I even try is that the whole concept of hell terrifies me
   
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Re: Is it just me, or is the world rising? - February 10th 2010, 03:54 PM

Yeah I know what you mean. Maybe try to find something new you might like. For instance photography, painting, or just going for a walk. It's worth a shot. See if you could get together with someone from the group then. You both can face your fears together while at the same time be with someone you know. I don't really know what to say about your faith because I'm not really religious. But maybe He is putting you through this because he knows you will be stronger afterwards? Just a thought.


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Re: Is it just me, or is the world rising? - February 12th 2010, 11:56 PM

Hello there James. Well from what you have described, thi is an issue that deep meditation will certainly help in. By meditating i mean, spend some time alone thinking about your life and about what you have been through. Asking yourself questions and reasoning them out with honesty. But with the meditation comes much patience. Give yourself time too but continue along with what you love and your desire to live. And you should enjoy your life. Value the most important things. For time will show you what it is that you feel you are missing.
   
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Re: Is it just me, or is the world rising? - February 15th 2010, 05:50 AM

As a bisexual guy (I haven't been able to come out to my friends or parents yet), was wondering why you came out as "gay" and started going to gay bars a lot?

I'm bisexual, I like guys and would be interested in making out. But, I also lean more towards girls at the same time. So it's more of knowing I'm also attracted to guys and might act on it if the opportunity also presents itself. Still, I lean more towards girls.

Basically questioning if your bisexual why you came out as gay and started frequenting gay bars. You also said that you felt like you belonged there, which I'm sure I would too - as a bi guy. Since no 100% straight people would be judging you there.

Basically, seems like your questioning identity. Being seen as gay seemed to not fit for who you are, and it seems acting like you're completely straight is causing you some problems too - basically because you're reversing coming out and being free in a sense (or at least I think). I know just due to how ingrained society has certain concepts in our head, it messes with us - I wasn't comfortable with being bi until 3 months prior to turning 22; every time before that it used to freak me out that I had these feelings towards guys - then I realized it was more "how would my friends/parents think about this?" than "how do I feel about this?" that troubled me. Maybe you are bisexual, with a leaning towards girls. Just be you - when you're you and accept you things change for the better. At least they have for me as I started just being myself and overly not caring what anyone thinks. If I tried to force myself to reverse the changes I've made, I'd probably lose all motivation and become a shell.... that's why I'm wondering if your being true to yourself all the way.

I know it took me a while to accept being bi, it'll still take time for me to be okay with just being me due to the 'lessons' society throws in our face. So maybe that was part of the fear?

If this doesn't make sense, that's cool... just I've also started a gradual coming out and know how I would feel if I turned back from this path of freeing myself to just being me.

Last edited by ThePunkAlien; February 15th 2010 at 05:58 AM.
   
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