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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
fall to romance Offline
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my shoulders are hurt and stressed from the pain. - March 20th 2010, 09:18 AM

I hurt. Physically....emotionally. I'm so tired of it. It seems bad things just keep crashing down on me. As though someone decided to see just how much I can take before I break. Seriously. I keep getting terrible news at least once a week. I thought perhaps I might start to feel better while on spring break. I mean, I get to be with my friends, my kitty, my family...better yet, I get to be away from my sister. It was working for the beginning part. But then living my break on a tighter schedule than my school life just started to wear on me. That and people bringing up the all too recent death of my dog. I'm sick of it. I know they mean well, but how can I properly deal with it if I keep hearing, "Omigosh! I just heard about your dog! I'm so sorry! I know he meant a lot to you." It's been a week. It only seems like I'm dealing well because I've been keeping myself really busy. I know they'd like to think they knew how much he meant to me, but chances are they don't fully understand. They don't fully understand because they don't know about my depression. They don't know that, while I was living with my parents, my dog was one of the very few people who was there for me, who kept me alive.

Since I've been home for break, I have spent quite a bit of time with my friends and totally out of the house. I've only been home in the evenings. But my family has been smothering me far more than usual. I don't mean smothering me in a loving way. Not in the slightest. It's more like burying me in their nagging, complaining, and demanding ways. I can't breathe. And of course I left my sketch book on my bed back in Collegetown. I was just too excited and it didn't fit in my bag. I was going to carry it, but I just forgot.

I seem to be forgetting a lot as well these days too. I know I've had a terrible memory for my entire life, but this is getting ridiculous. As soon as I tell myself to remember something, I forget it. For some reason, I can only remember really strange and minute details that don't really have anything to do with squat.

Ehf. With my current luck, perhaps I should stay off the plane to Mexico. It'd either go down or there'll be a friggin' hurricane. Or some other tragic thing will happen. Not to sound melodramatic or anything, but tragedy seems to follow me. Again, I'm not being melodramatic but speaking the truth. Perhaps I did something terrible in a past life and I'm paying for it now. (Not that I necessarily believe in past lives...)

My friends all say I deserve to be happy, that I deserve a break from all that's been happening to me for my entire life. I really hope they're right.

Maybe it's time for me to call my friend to go with me to set up my first appointment with a therapist. As I said, I thought for a while I was doing well coping with everything, but after tonight's bad news, it feels like my world is doomed and falling all around me.

I just want to curl up in a ball and hide until the world sucks less. I want to scream in the middle of a crowded room. I want to stop hurting. I want to stop crying. I want to feel happy again. I want to remember what it felt like to truly be happy. Faking happiness feels like it's poisoning me.


-B
--

R.I.P. my sweet baby boy. I miss you so much more than you could have ever imagined.


"There was a moment in my life when I really wanted to kill myself. And there was one other moment when I was close to that. . . . But even in my most jaded times, I had some hope.-Gerard Way

Last edited by fall to romance; March 20th 2010 at 09:27 AM.
   
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Re: my shoulders are hurt and stressed from the pain. - March 20th 2010, 10:49 PM

Hey there. Well the first thing I suggest to everyone I know is not to take too much in. Don't do too many things at once or you will be worn down at some point. And one point that you should always remember, never ever fake happiness. Never ever.


I came here to help out, so if you wanna talk or just need someone to bounce ideas or issues off of or something else then send me a message and I will reply as soon as I can.
   
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Re: my shoulders are hurt and stressed from the pain. - March 21st 2010, 01:20 PM

Hi there Brittany,

I'm sorry to hear that this depression is having such a negative impact upon you but I'm very glad that you've managed to post here and release some of the things that you are feeling, I hope that it's helped you somewhat.
It seems as though you're struggling to quite a large degree right now and it's having a negative impact on your day to day living. I think that due to this, it may be a good idea if you try to turn to someone who can help you with what you're going through right now, someone who is offline and who can offer you support and a listening ear. It might be helpful to have someone who you can turn to when you're feeling low.
Your friends are right, Brittany. You do deserve to be happy. I think that an appointment with a therapist sounds like a wonderful idea and it could really help you, as I've already said. You can get through this.

Keep strong.
   
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Re: my shoulders are hurt and stressed from the pain. - March 21st 2010, 09:42 PM

I think going to a therapist would really make you feel better. Telling whats been going on to someone really helps....
I wish I could help you out more, it seems like we have alot of the same things going on.
   
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Re: my shoulders are hurt and stressed from the pain. - March 22nd 2010, 11:22 PM

Hey again,

I'm sorry to hear things are getting tougher - I know you've been through a rough time lately with your dog and everything else, so what has been happening on top of that would be difficult for most people to deal with. Depression really is a horrible illness, and it does make dealing with even the most mundane things quite a struggle. You should be proud of yourself for being willing to talk about how you're feeling deep down, even if it's on the Internet - it's a step in the right direction.
I think it probably is time to make an appointment - I know you wanted to give it a bit of time and see how you felt then, but I do honestly feel it would be of benefit to make the arrangements. You've been carrying this burden for a long time by yourself, and it's probably time to let someone else take some of the load for a little while. As has already been said, your friends are right in that you deserve to be happy, and this could help you towards that. It's helped me in the past with some really low moments.

Stay strong and take care.
   
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Re: my shoulders are hurt and stressed from the pain. - March 23rd 2010, 08:17 AM

Thank you so much, all of you. Your support really means the world to me. I mean, I've always felt like I was complaining whenever I tried talking about whatever's been going on with me...so I always just hold it in. This site is one of the only places I feel I can really talk about what I deal with. People understand and listen. There's little to no judgement, and that makes it so much easier to deal.

I was going to call my friend today so we could go make an appointment, but I got stuck doing 6 hours of homework. The way my schedule's looking, I won't be able to do much about the situations until Thursday or Friday.


-B
--

R.I.P. my sweet baby boy. I miss you so much more than you could have ever imagined.


"There was a moment in my life when I really wanted to kill myself. And there was one other moment when I was close to that. . . . But even in my most jaded times, I had some hope.-Gerard Way
   
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