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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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Done - March 21st 2010, 09:22 AM

I am done. I don't want to fight anymore. I don't care where any of these things drag me I am done fighting. ED is going to take over and I am glad. He can steer the wheel and make me better. I am done. No more trusting. No more loving. No more nothing. ED/SH will take over and it will be fine.

I will be free.

I have no one and never will. Tonight I finally realized that. I don't have any friends. Not really. No one cares. They only care when/if it is convient. When will I meet someone who cares no matter what? Never therefore I am done. Tired of being alone. Tired of people having Best Friends while I just have acquaintances. I am just tired.

Not doing this anymore. Never am. Don't care. Want to die. Don't care. All over. Just done. Tired not trying any more. Never letting myself trust again. Never letting myself feel again. I got a glimpse of happiness and it is fucking fake and ridiculous. I am done. FOREVER. I don't care what happens I am done. I am alone and always will be. Never going to have a best friends. Never going to matter so fuck it all. Over and done. And for the first time I am not sad. I am relieved. I don't give a FUCK. People don't care so why should I?

Why doesn't anyone care enough about me?


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Re: Done - March 21st 2010, 12:53 PM

Hey there Jenna,

I care about you. You are a wonderful person and you have helped so many people on this site with their problems. I am glad that you're taking time out and seeking help here for yourself, you deserve it.

You've posted here and that implies to me that you do care, Jenna. You deserve to be helped and to get better and live a good, healthy, happy life. I'm sorry that things aren't going very well for you right now and it seems as though you're really struggling, but the promising thing is that you are a very strong girl and you can get through this, even if you don't have a lot of faith in that right now, it's true that you can get through this and things can change for the better. You have already gotten through so much and it would be a great shame to just disregard that and give up now.

I know that you say that you don't have anyone right now and you feel alone, but there really are people who are out there to help you through this tough time, whether they're friends or professionals. Even if you feel as though you don't have many good friends right now, there's plenty of time for you to make new friends. Talking to a professional right now about your serious problems with your ED/SH would be a very wise and positive choice. I strongly do believe that you deserve help and to live a happy life. Please try and reach out to someone, Jenna.

Keep strong and take care of yourself.
   
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Re: Done - March 21st 2010, 06:10 PM

Thank you. And, I guess I don't want to give up completely. There is a small part of me that wants too keep getting better but it seems like the odds are against me.

Last night I really wanted to kill myself. I was in a complete trance. I felt almost like someone else was 'driving' my life. I was in the backseat saying 'no not going to do it' and I came on here and posted in my blog and I posted this thread. It helped but I still felt alone and what not.

I don't want to die but I notice the 'unhealthy' part of me is getting stronger and stronger.

The thing is I thought that I did have friends and people that care about me but I don't know if I do. I really don't.

Last night things happened that made me question that.

Okay, last night my friend was going to be in some thing. I was supposed to go but because it was 21+ I could not get in. I was actually cool with it because being around a big crowd (and the crowd would have been huge) was not something I really wanted to do.

So instead of going there I went to another 'friends' house. We all had a good time. My dad and his friend ended up coming over. (My dad is friends with a lot of my friends. Although I working on trying to find friends of my own). He had gone to my other friends little thing and had been drinking. Anyways at my friends house he and his friend got smashed and it just got uncomfortable. Everyone was ready for them to leave. It was quite embarrassing.

My dad and I got into a little fight. They called a taxi for us and that took forever to come. My friend was anxious for them to leave. I stayed inside his house in the dining room because I could not handle my dad or anyone else. I was fighting so hard not to cry because I did not want to cry in front of anyone.

I did not want to go home with my dad and his friend. I was so angry and I just needed a friend but my friend couldn't/didn't want to be there. He stood outside waiting for the taxi to carry us away. No one really came to 'comfort' me. It was all about my dad and his friend. I needed someone so badly to take me up in a hug and just tell me it would be okay. That I would be fine. That didn't happen...

I just feel so alone now. I thought people really did care about me but idk no one is ever really there for me when I need them. I just don't want to do this.

I just feel so ugh right now. I am tired and hurt and I just want to give up.

I hurt so much because it seems like no one in life really truly cares. I am tired of that. They care when it is convenient and that is that. I don't want to just be cared for when it is convenient that does nothing. I want someone to just care all the time. I realize people can't be there all the time but I want to know that they do. I want to know that there is someone I can call when I am feeling down or fed up or whatever. I just need that but I don't think I have it. I thought I kind of did.

It doesn't matter anymore anyways.


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Re: Done - March 25th 2010, 01:48 AM

Hey.

I understand how that feels, not being cared for when you need it the most. Most of my friends don't pay much attention to what I'm feeling either, even if it's plain as day.

I've heard a lot of great things about you on this site so I know you are a very generous and caring person. You are very special and there are people that care. I hope that you can understand that just because the people you are around regularly, doesn't mean there aren't others that care. Yes, it's a harsh blow to realize what you've already discovered but don't be discouraged. I'm also very sorry for that situation with your dad and all others like that. It's not fair that the nicest people are the ones who have harsh lives. Please don't lose hope.

I agree with Konstatine, try to find someone that can help you deal with your ED/SH. You'll be glad you did. No life is worth throwing away for any reason. If you want to talk about anything at all, feel free to PM me. Take care .


"Without friends no one would choose to live, though he had all other goods." - Artistotle

"There comes a point in life when you realize who really matters, who never did, and who always will."

"A friend is someone who can see the truth and pain in you even when you are fooling everyone else."

"The worst feeling you'll ever feel is sitting next to the person who means the world to you, knowing that you mean nothing to them."
   
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