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-   -   want to end it all. (http://www.teenhelp.org/forums/f11-depression-suicide/t40552-want-end-all/)

ThatpersonIusedtobe March 27th 2010 03:32 PM

want to end it all.
Are all these things really going to end one day????Life is so alone, I don't feel like I can talk to anyone. It's all alone when you grow up, isn't it? Friends left and went on their ways, people die and suddenly it all became so hard like we are all facing this world alone.
and I go out there and smile every single day though it hurts like hell.
nothing good comes out of it. If the purpose of every life is happiness then why am I living?
grhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...I fucking want to die but I can't
i have to live because i don't want my family to go through this. I even think about what would people think about me after I die, will they think I was stupid and was a coward who wasn't brave enough and keep running away form the problems in life. I don't even know why I even care when death won't make me feel a thing after that anyway.
but sometimes I just want to be selfish for once and it all ends. I don't want to be sad any longer, I don't want to be like this, I don't want to live with myself - the one I hate.
I just don't want to take this any more, I have been doing this for years and it never goes away. This whole thing is endless.
I can't get these stupid thoughts out of my head. I'm soo tired of thinking but I cannot stop at all. I even try to search for a painless way to go.

please help:(

Katrina March 27th 2010 05:28 PM

Re: want to end it all.
Hi there,

If you don't mind me asking about your username, who IS that person that you used to be? What exactly was on your mind when you came here and chose that username and registered here? Just out of pure curiosity. (:

Nonetheless, down to business, right? I'm really sorry you're going through a tough time right now. I think one of the worst feelings in life is solitude and idea that you're alone. While I know that it's hard to read the words of a stranger -- someone who you've never met and have probably never talked to or even seen a picture of, I DO exist...I'm eighteen years old, I'm a college freshmen, and well, I exist...and I think you should know that there are more people than you probably realize who want to see you happy and want to see you smile not like you mean it, but because you mean it. The reason solitude is so miserable, I think, is because life ISN'T meant to be spent in it! We're not meant to live this life alone. It's why we have language to communicate with and emotions to feel and hearts to give and compassion for others. They all relate to being with other people, not in the romantic sense, but in the life sense. Sharing how we feel and holding someone's hand (literally OR metaphorically) can be more therapeutic than we realize.

The circle of life is a hard thing for me to wrap my mind around. I don't really understand WHY we were meant to live together, when...at the end of it all, we pass away. I don't know if you're religious, but I know that one of the main strings of hope keeping me tied to the idea of religious is life after life. I WANT to be reunited and spend eternity with those I love, so I hope my soul won't have a mind of it's own when it gets there! (; With that said, you're right...we do grow up, and friends move away and start their own life, but these years, the first years of college, the years of maybe getting our own career, getting married, and starting our OWN family is the time to make NEW friends. We're not all on the exact same path, but we seem to be all on similar walks of life just in terms of how we age, how we grow, and how we do things. Obviously, though, your family cares so much about you, and you care an incredible amount about them. I find that in hard times, it's nice to be able to talk to family and just be in their presence, so I'm glad that you have that outlet.

What about yourself are you not okay with, exactly? I know that's getting right down to the core of what defines an "uncomfortable" question, but often, we notice all of our negative qualities so much more than our positive ones, and sometimes we even get to the point where we forget to even see our positive qualities at all. I assure you, though, that they're there. Focus in on those sometimes instead of always seeing yourself in a negative light.

ARE you getting professional help? If not, maybe it's time to take that next step and go for it. It's a scary, scary step, but I don't doubt that it's one of those things in life that's most worth the fear. Have you thought about talking to your family? Writing them a note, per chance? Have you looked into guidance counseling at school and set up an appointment there? Have you looked into calling a hotline and seeing what they recommend? Have you done research on what you're feeling and tried to find different methods of coping with it, or different nutrients you can get by eating different foods that may improve any potential chemical imbalances? Are you getting enough sleep and exercising (which you know, of course, releases endorphins)? If you want something, like starting this path towards recovery and potentially feeling better and finally being at peace with yourself, no matter how unmotivated you feel, you may have to find and draw motivation from somewhere and FIGHT to start walking down this path. In my eyes, you've already started -- you've realized that you have a problem, you've written it down, and now you're looking for the next step, and I can SEE that -- it's apparent in every word you've written. Take that chance. (:

I hope things shape up for you veryyy soon. Take good care of yourself, and keep us posted. :hug:

ThatpersonIusedtobe March 28th 2010 09:32 AM

Re: want to end it all.
thanks so much for replying

That person I used to be was the person without suicidal thoughts running in head, the person whose mom had not died yet and was not sick. The person who did not yet hate herself. The person who did not know how painful life could be. But that person last existed 5 years ago and never came back to me again.
I'm not ok with myself only because I am me, I can't seem to be happy with life at all, and bad things keep happening to me all the time that i feel like happiness does not and never will belong to me. It's long been gone aad i don't know what it is anymore. It's lke i have become used to being sad, yet don't want to live like this.
I do not believe in anything anymore, I dont believe in relgions. I cannot wait to be with my mother I want to be where she is, but I cannot wait that long.
I have told myself I will not get married, I feel like having children is selfishness. I do not want to put anyone in this painfu world. On should not be born, if i could choose i would not choose to be here. Future is overcasted by darkness and shadow that i cannot see the way, that i don't want to think about it. I just want to run away from here, far from all the pain

Counted Heart. March 28th 2010 11:41 AM

Re: want to end it all.
Hey there.

When you're feeling depressed or suicidal, it's easy to let the bad things take over, so that you can't even remember the good things in your life. It can help to take a step back from things, and try and remember all the good times you've had. I know that can seem like an impossible task, but when you really think about it, it can make you feel better. Also, doing things you enjoy can really help. Take some time out just to enjoy yourself, and see if it cheers you up.

I know what it's like to feel unhappy with yourself. I used to be like that, always putting myself down and never being satisfied with who I was. Part of growing up is learning to not just live with, but love, yourself. It's hard to see the good things in life when you're blinded by negatives, so it might be worthwhile to stop and think about what you like about yourself. If you have trouble with that, you could ask some of your friends or family what they like about you. That's great for self-confidence, which may help you see the positives in life instead of only the negatives.

Is there somebody close to you that you can talk to? A friend, family member, counsellor, etc?

Take care, and I hope things start getting better for you soon.

ThatpersonIusedtobe March 29th 2010 04:57 PM

Re: want to end it all.
I have no one I can talk to. It's all alone here.
Yesterday night I put plastic bag around my head, I didn't know why I did that I just wanted to stop breathing :( :( :(

Counted Heart. March 31st 2010 09:30 AM

Re: want to end it all.

I'm sorry you're struggling right now. Try clicking on the links in my signature. They lead to places that can either help you, or cheer you up.

Stay strong. xx

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