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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
fall to romance Offline
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Aaaaahhhhh!!!!! - April 10th 2010, 01:31 AM

I'm feeling far too vulnerable. I feel like I'm about to explode...or implode. Whichever's more painful. I've had this feeling that my heart and throat are being hacked at with a plastic spoon for months. It's been getting worse. I want to cry, laugh, scream, dance, and curl up in bed all at the same time.

Again, my sister's the catalyst. She always is. I understand that it's almost the end of the school year and she's going to be graduating college. I understand that she's beyond stressed and has no idea what she's going to do or where she's going to go. I completely understand this. But just because she's stressing over these things doesn't give her the right to treat me like some disgusting piece of trash that she can't get unstuck from her shoe. Her temper is triggered by the most ridiculous things. Last night it was because she didn't want her toothbrush on the wire shelf anymore because it was "difficult" for her to use. She's just being lazy and doesn't want to take the toothbrush head on and off.

She's being absolutely immature and childish towards me. I hear "Your mom" as a comeback answer to anything I say...which doesn't work anyway because my mom is her mom too, so she'd just be dissing herself. And if she doesn't say that in comment to something I say, her other answer is "That's what she said." Grow up! I mean, I may be stubborn about some things, but at least I try to actually work through my problems with people.

My friends came for a visit today. It was their first visit to Collegetown! It made me really happy to see them. But at the same time, I knew that happiness couldn't last too long, since they had to go back. But for a few hours I was able to get away from everything, to forget everything. The curtains were open in the living room for the first time in a year. I finally got to see some sunlight at home. They were open for five minutes before my friends left....then my sister came home and closed them again, all the while yelling at me for it because "It's cold and the windows let in even more cold air!" Hmm. The sun makes me happy, which makes me not want to SH, which keeps me alive. I'm pretty sure that's more important that a bill that's a few more dollars than normal.

I'm currently listening to Meteor Shower by Owl City. That song is fantastic. Owl City's fantastic. Listening to them made me happy even just a week ago. Now I just feel nostalgic and like I want to cry no matter the song I listen to.

I need a positive constant in my life. A friend who's usually free whenever I am would be great...perhaps even a first boyfriend. (Not that I need a man to make me happy. I really don't.) I just want to be around someone who loves me, who's not afraid to admit it. Someone who'll give me hugs and just talk to me. Perhaps you're wondering, "Well why don't you try to make friends, Brittany?" Trust me when I say I have been trying. I've been trying to make friends since I started college nearly 2 years ago. Nothing ever moves past acquaintances. Ok, maybe not nothing. But the three friends I've made are all usually busy.

Well...thanks for reading this. I just really needed to talk to someone, but writing this is as close as I'm gonna get tonight.

EDIT:

I can't get away from her! She won't leave me alone! And now she's accusing my friends of something they didn't do about something beyond ridiculous! I want out. I want this all to end. I want it all to go away. I want to be with someone. I hate being alone right now. I hate feeling so helpless, alone, and loathed. I try to stand up to her and somehow she just takes me down again. It's a never-ending cycle and I feel like it's killing me.


-B
--

R.I.P. my sweet baby boy. I miss you so much more than you could have ever imagined.


"There was a moment in my life when I really wanted to kill myself. And there was one other moment when I was close to that. . . . But even in my most jaded times, I had some hope.-Gerard Way

Last edited by fall to romance; April 10th 2010 at 01:48 AM.
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Aaaaahhhhh!!!!! - April 10th 2010, 08:02 AM

Brittany,

I want you to know that you are talented. You can sing beautifully, play guitar, pick up any instrument you wanted and learn quickly. You are an amazing artist. Your drawings look just like photographs. Your paintings are masterpieces. Your abstract drawings are so creative and well-done. I want you to know that you are beautiful. There isn't one thing about you that isn't striking and lovely. You have the prettiest eyes I have ever seen, the most loving, gorgeous smile in the world. I want you to know that you are kind. You are always there to talk when someone needs you, you are willing to make sacrifices to make others happy, you want to change the world, you speak kindly to others. You compliment others, you go out of your way to make sure others feel good about themselves. I want you to know that you are intelligent. You are so logical, full of information, you learn quickly, you are wise and able to teach others. I always learn something from you. I want you to know that you are strong. You are brave, you are moxie, you can triumph over anything and you've already triumphed over SO much. You came out of a negative environment with a positive attitude and you shaped your personality the way YOU wanted it to be. I want you to know that you are special, everything wonderful, and that I freaking love you and will be your friend until the day I die.


"Life should not be measured by how far we can fall, but how high we can climb."



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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Aaaaahhhhh!!!!! - April 10th 2010, 11:35 AM

You're going to make me cry, Marlie. Thanks. Seriously, I don't know where I'd be without you and Linds. Without my dog, you two are pretty much the only people who understand and listen.

I'm so tired of going in circles. I'm happy with my life; I hate it. My sister and I are getting along; we're at each other's throats (or rather she's at mine). I just one stable thing in my everyday life. Especially since I know she's just going to get worse with each passing day, even after she graduates. Her way of dealing with stress is to lash out at me. And she's inconsiderate enough that she doesn't feel any remorse and knows exactly how to get to me. She does it every second I'm around her. The apartment feels toxic to me. You don't have to keep telling me that it'll get better once you guys move in. I know it will. I remind myself countless times a day...I just wish it were enough. I wish I could just ignore Kessa, but you don't know how impossible that is. She has the most vindictive and driven personality. She's intense, single-minded and selfish. If she wants to tear you down and make you feel like shit all day everyday, she'll do it. No matter how much self-confidence you start out with. I know that might sound like a harsh thing to say about a sibling, but any honest person who truly knows her would say it.

You know, she didn't even wait until you guys were in the car to start yelling at me about the curtains as she closed them. And then once they were closed, she immediately moved on to yelling at me to clean my "shit" I left in the kitchen (i.e. the lunch dishes). While I cleaned, she grabbed the toothpaste from the bathroom and yelled at me something to the effect of, "Get your own damn laundry detergent! And good luck brushing your teeth without your own toothpaste!" She's taking this toothbrush incident way too far. Her immaturity drives me insane! So much that it makes me want to react violently...and you know that's not me at all.


-B
--

R.I.P. my sweet baby boy. I miss you so much more than you could have ever imagined.


"There was a moment in my life when I really wanted to kill myself. And there was one other moment when I was close to that. . . . But even in my most jaded times, I had some hope.-Gerard Way
   
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Re: Aaaaahhhhh!!!!! - April 12th 2010, 02:34 AM

You know, I don't think this next month will be easy for you, but it will definitely be doable. I have faith in your ability to turn the other cheek and be the better person. Remember that for ever bad thing your sister does to you, there will be ten good things waiting from those who care about you. She is so out of line sometimes (actually like all the time), and so is Lacey, but you will have the satisfaction of knowing that you are the wiser, happier, smarter person. You can overcome anything. You don't have to do it alone. <3 Rant to Linds and I anytime, seriously.


"Life should not be measured by how far we can fall, but how high we can climb."



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Re: Aaaaahhhhh!!!!! - April 12th 2010, 03:25 AM

Thanks. I'll definitely try to keep positive this next month. I'll try to just ignore her. Amd of course I'll talk to you and Linds. But I know it will get harder and that honestly scares me.


-B
--

R.I.P. my sweet baby boy. I miss you so much more than you could have ever imagined.


"There was a moment in my life when I really wanted to kill myself. And there was one other moment when I was close to that. . . . But even in my most jaded times, I had some hope.-Gerard Way
   
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Re: Aaaaahhhhh!!!!! - April 12th 2010, 10:51 PM

Hey Brittany,

All I can say is I'm sorry your sister is treating you like this - from what I've learned about you, you really don't deserve this at all, and whatever stresses she's dealing with they are no excuse. I know that may sound quite hollow, but I wanted to say it anyway because you are a good person and you deserve and will get better.

I understand that things will probably get tougher before they get better, but try to focus on the fact that they will get better in the end. From the sound of it you have two really good friends in Marlie and Linds (and kudos to both of you ), and you sound like you have a lot of potential. For what it's worth, I think you can achieve a lot in life. In the meantime, remember how much strength you've demonstrated in getting to this stage - hopefully it'll help you believe that you can and will get through whatever this next month brings. And if all else fails feel free to vent on here as much as you need.

Take care.


"The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall." - Nelson Mandela, Long Walk to Freedom

However bleak things seem, however insurmountable the darkness appears, remember that you have worth and nothing can take that away.

Quote:
Originally Posted by OMFG!You'reActuallySmart! View Post
If you're referring to dr2005's response, it's not complex, however, he has a way with words .
RIP Nick
   
  (#7 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Aaaaahhhhh!!!!! - April 13th 2010, 01:50 AM

Thank you so much for your comment. I really do want to get better and I have been trying. I do make excuses for my sister--I know I shouldn't--but I can't help it if I've only ever wanted a friendly relationship with her. I do whatever I can for anyone in my life, no matter how they treat me. I've always hoped that my actions will make them see that they need to stop treating me the way they do, but it hasn't. Now I'm just tired. I'm so close to the end of all this crap, but I'm so tired of it. It's like I've been running a marathon and I've hit the wall. I keep losing sight of the happiness that will be in only a few weeks, though I try to hold onto that for life. It's hard, but I'm trying.


-B
--

R.I.P. my sweet baby boy. I miss you so much more than you could have ever imagined.


"There was a moment in my life when I really wanted to kill myself. And there was one other moment when I was close to that. . . . But even in my most jaded times, I had some hope.-Gerard Way
   
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