from one bad situation straight into another

[Ella.x]

I went to visit my family for a week over easter, which was okay but very stressfull. Having no privacy and having to tread on eggshells around my mums boyfriend to avoid him throwing a tantrum about one thing or another took a lot of energy.

I thought coming back to uni would be good - no-one else around for a few days, having the kitchen to myself and being able to have it stay clean for more than a few minutes was what I was looking forward to. No luck though, someone else is back and has literally filled the freezer with chicken and left the kitchen looking like a pigsty. I'm so stressed out by this. I honestly thought I'd have a couple of days of peace. I can't get away from it. I was gonna have a week or two without drinking and just being healthy.

Screw it. I'm trying so hard not to cut and go and buy myself a ton of junk food and alcohol. I don't think it's gonna work though. It's ridiculous that such small things can make me feel so depressed and suicidal. I literally feel like killing myself right now. It's so much worse this time though because I have a hell of a lot of my antidepressants that I stopped taking when I was back home and no-one is here to stop me. Shit. I don't know what to do. I'm never gonna be able to get myself happy while I'm living here or at my mums house. I want to run away so badly.

[dr2005]

Hey Ella,

I'm sorry to hear things haven't worked out as you hoped - I can sympathise with the near-constant battle to keep a student kitchen clean if that's any consolation. Fought that one for 3 years, and it wasn't much fun, so I can understand why it's making you feel this way. If it makes you feel any better one of my flatmates and I had to disinfect the bin at one point...

I think the real issue here is that, as you admitted, you stopped taking your medication back home, which means that your susceptibility to things like this causing you to feel depressed is significantly higher. It's also a consequence of being in quite a stressful situation and heading into another, as you say in the title, but having had friends with depression who have also stopped taking their medication this sounds similar to what they experienced. My first suggestion would be to do something about the medication you've stockpiled - if they were prescribed to you via a care team, then you should get in contact with them as soon as possible so they can help you get back on track and remove any danger. If they were over the counter then you should probably get rid of the stockpiled ones and start again. In any event, I would strongly recommend getting in contact with your support team if you have one as well as your university's counselling and support service. Failing that, Samaritans are always worth a call or email. http://www.samaritans.org/

My second suggestion would be to see if there is anywhere near you where you can go for a bit to get away from the stress of your mother's house and your place at university. A lot of NHS trusts provide respite centres for times like these (although you may need a referral) and your university support service may also be able to suggest places. Alternatively, see if you can spend a few days with a friend at uni - it may mean having to sleep on a floor but they may be able to give you some welcome support and friendship. Finally, although I realise you're an atheist, it might be worth going to see if you can talk to someone at your university's chaplaincy - not for any religious advice, but because from my experience of the one in Birmingham a lot of the chaplains have also trained as counsellors and are more than happy to talk to anyone who is having difficulty, regardless of whether they are religious or not. It is entirely up to you, but it's something which may help.

I hope some of that is useful to you, and above all else try and stay strong - I know it can be very hard when it feels like sources of stress are piling up and you just want to escape, but these things will pass in time. They did for me, and they can do for you. In the meantime, seek out as much support as you can and remember we're here for you if you need it. PM is always open if you want to talk, or just vent.

Take care.

[Ella.x]

Thanks for the reply. I'm starting on some new meds now but my psychiatrist said that a lot of people feel nausues (sp?) when they start on them, so i came off the other meds as he said, but just didn't start taking the new ones until today when i got back to uni as i had a couple of long train journeys last week and i hate throwing up in public. I've still got a couple of weeks worth of the previous meds and I think I might throw them out when I empty my bin tomorrow. I'm not sure yet. I've overdosed on them before and they only make me vomit, so it's not as if they're a valid choice if I do try to kill myself.

Thanks for the advice about getting extra help, I'm currently seeing a psychiatrist, my GP and a psychiatric nurse (I think that's what she is, I'm not really sure). I think my uni has a counselling service, so I might try that before going to the chaplains. You've been really helpful, I didn't know about the chaplain thing before.

I'm feeling a little more stable now, although it has taken me 2 pizzas, 4 cans of beer and a few lines of mephedrone which isn't exactly a healthy way of coping with things, but it was the best distraction I could find. I think I should be safe for tonight. I'm just hoping my flatmate who I get on with comes back to uni soon because at least if she's here, I'm less likely to do anything to myself. It's so frustrating not even having a diagnosis yet (I'm currently hovering somewhere between borderline personality disorder, some kind of depression or some other unknown illness), but hopefully my psychiatrist can figure out what exactly it is that's wrong with me and that will give everyone some more guidance on how to deal with me.
Thankyou so much for your reply

[dr2005]

No problem. Hope things have been a bit better these last few days.