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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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Krisp Offline
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Suppressed Feelings and Happy Act = In-Home Communication Block - April 17th 2010, 05:23 AM

Hey there,

I was wondering if anyone else feels like they inexplicably suppress or hide their feelings while depressed. My therapist says I sound completely together even when I'm upset enough to think rather morbid thoughts or imagine committing suicide. When I feel this way, I feel very tense, yet look relaxed, and feel horribly sad and angry, but just look a little down and grumpy on the outside. Does that make sense? The frustrating thing is that, since I don't seem to look or act like someone who's at risk for serious depression or suicide, (not like the people you see on TV in drug ads,) my family doesn't always seem to believe me when I say I feel like crap. They just say "ok" and don't really react: instead of getting help, I get a confused look and a shrug (although I have asked specifically for advice, help, and/or therapy.) It hurts; I feel like I don't have support here at home. (I live at home with my parents and teen sister.)

I've never really been one to cry wolf, but every time I say something about suicide or depression my family treats me like I'm faking it. The result of this weird dynamic is that, if I want their attention and/or ANY sort of reaction (anywhere from an offer for help to a panicked and completely unhelpful visceral reaction) I either have to completely flip out and work myself up into a frenzy or just forget it and mope around until my mood improves or I'm able to go to my next therapy appointment.

To make it all worse, my best friend (and the person I call when I really need someone to talk to) went off to Argentina to study abroad and is more or less unreachable in the short-term. I can send her messages via Facebook, or leave her voicemail on Skype, but for immediate situations where I just need a hug and a "you'll be ok," I got nothin'. Most of my other friends are actually still acquaintances, so I don't really have anyone to go to.

When I feel depressed and have to mix with my family, I tend to isolate myself mentally by imagining myself in different (and often morbid) situations. For example, I might wonder what it would be like to be hit by a bus while having pizza at a local restaurant. The only way I share these fantasies is when I get angry at someone, and then I'm met with anger at blurting out inconvenient truths (haha) that, to my family, seemed to appear out of nowhere to bring dinner conversation to a grinding halt. Since they get angry, I stop sharing, which just enforces this weird communication block we've got going on.

Lastly, most of the time, talking with my family often just makes me feel worse. If I talk with my Mom, it just becomes a giant commiseration party; if I talk with my Dad, he gets angry 'cause he's tired and doesn't want to deal with it; and if I talk to my little sister, I feel guilty because she's only 15 and because I'm sure she has her own problems. I still want to talk to them, I just don't know how to get the type of communication I feel like I need.

I feel like I'm caught in a giant Catch-22... And I still have three days until my next therapy appointment. I also feel ridiculous because part of my brain keeps yelling "You're almost 20, for goodness sakes! Suck it up and DEAL." (I'm trying to ignore it.)

Anyone else feel this way? Did you ever mention to get around some sort of weird Catch-22 situation and find the support you needed in family members who were originally unintentionally unsupportive?

((For anyone who's wondering, a Catch-22 is a situation in which you need something but you can't get it because you need that something you can't get. For example, say you need an education to get good job and to make money, but you don't have a good enough job/enough money to pay for that education. That's a Catch-22.))
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Re: Suppressed Feelings and Happy Act = In-Home Communication Block - April 17th 2010, 07:13 AM

you have a perfect opportunity right there. befriend your little sister. even if you don't tell her your problems. jsut having someone there for you will lift you up. and it's help her too.

" One day at a time, this is enough. Do not look back and grieve over the past for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful it will be worth remembering. "

i wonder when i'll finally jsut start accepting myself, when i'll stop saying i wish i could be like that person.

i have facebook, and myspace. and you can ask for it. :P
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Re: Suppressed Feelings and Happy Act = In-Home Communication Block - April 18th 2010, 03:18 PM

I am in the same boat you're in. I look to be calm and "confident" all the time when inside, I am anything but. I am constantly having suicidal and morbid thoughts, yet I am able to laugh and put a smile on my dial if need be. I broke down to my Mum two weeks ago (I feel so weak for doing so now :/) but an hour later I was laughing and joking around, trying to lighten things up. In a way, I'm trying to keep them from finding anything out although I'm at the desperate stage right now. I've been putting off getting help for four years and, after all that time, you get used to hiding things and coming up with distractions. If my feelings are brought up, I laugh it off immediately. I want to let things out but I just can't. I don't know what it is that's holding me back. I'm just so used to hiding things and trying to look happy all the time, that nobody seems to take me seriously if and when I do have a meltdown. Haha, that just makes things worse because I refuse to let myself slip as it is.. so when I do, it has to be a huge deal. But it's always brushed away.

Nobody sees what's really happening and although I want them to, I just hide things on instinct. Okay.. this has turned into a major blurt-it-all-out-session. I should probably hit 'Post' before I chicken out or something haha.

You are definitely not alone in the way you feel. I just want you to know that. I'm as lost as you are.. as to what to do. But, if I do figure something out, you'll be the first to know

I'm always here if you need someone to talk to. Anytime.

You have me.
Until every last star in the galaxy dies.
You have me.

- Amie Kaufman

Never forget, you are not alone. ♥
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act, block, communication, family communication, family dynamic, feelings, happy, inhome, stereotype, suppress, suppressed

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