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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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(SH, Suicide, Abuse) First time, scared! - April 24th 2010, 01:47 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

For the first time in a really really really really long time I feel like killing myself. I feel like taking a razor and cutting up my arms and then taking as many pills as possible. A bunch of different combination's and a big dosage. For the first time I don't care if I end up brain dead. If I am brain dead I will still have accomplished what I wanted, peace from this world.

I hurt so fucking much. I have this constant knot/ache in the pit of my stomach and I don't know how to make it go away. I am tired of never coming first. I am tired of being the one people blame. I am angry too.

I am angry at my mom for not being there. I called her today to ask her an important question and she never called me back. I needed to talk to her about something really important. Fuck Her!

I am tired of my dad not being there. He tries and he does a good job but no matter what he always seems to choose other people over me. My dad and his partner broke up and all I keep hearing is what a mistake he made. Blah blah blah. I don't think it is a mistake and I just feel so alone. I just don't feel like I matter to anyone. When my parents split my dad said 'we are going to focus on us'. But he lied. He said he wouldn't get into a relationship for at least a year he lied. He said he would be there for me, he lied. I fucking hate him too.

I keep thinking back to my molestation and I come back to the same thought. If my parents hadn't made me feel like I wasn't worth loving. If my parents hadn't have been so busy with my brothers so worried about their well being it wouldn't have happened. If I would have gotten some of my parents attention I wouldn't have had to go to other people to get it. I wouldn't have had to turn to other people who subsequently abused me. I would have been content and I would have known it wasn't right and it wasn't right. My parents never showed me what love was so I thought what they did was love. A part of me thought it was normal and okay. No one ever showed me the attention they did. Especially him. No one ever made me feel like I was important and special like he did. Yeah he made me feel fucking dirty and ugly and bad but there was also a part of it that made me feel important and good. Disgusting I know. But what is new.

If my dad hadn't been so consumed with making sure everyone else was happy he would have been able to see what was going on. He would have been there for me and not have abandoned me. He adandoned me and he keeps doing it over and over again.

He abandoned me for my oldest brother while growing up because emotionally he couldn't be there he had to put all his energy into my brother. In high school he had to sacrifice everything for my brother and my mom. I didn't get anything.

And then when he came out and told everyone he was gay he said 'I have done everything for everyone else for so long and now I have to do something for me. I have sacrificed everything for everyone and I can't do that.' Well, FUCK YOU, because you didn't sacrifice shit for me. NEVER NEVER NEVER. When it comes to me he is there but only as long as it was not going to get in the way of his life.

And then he entered into this relationship and it felt like my mom and his relationship all over again. He was always there for his partner and was there for me but only if it was convenient. Like, I hate sleeping in the house alone. I hate it. I get FUCKING terrified. I told him a million times. I explained to him that I wouldn't be that way forever. He said he understood and he didn't mind. Then he would leave me home alone over night anyway. I was inconviencing him so he just brushed it off.

I am 20 years old and I shouldn't ask my dad to do that. To stay home because I hate sleeping alone. Because I get scared shitless that they are in the area and are watching me. Or I have flashbac or whatever else. And no I don't have any friends I could ask to stay with. None. Sometimes I wish I did so that I could get out of the fucking house when I am feeling so fucking overwhelmed.

He isn't there for me. My mom isn't there for me. My friends are somewhat but they are all busy. I have no one. I just hurt and I don't want to do this anymore. Who would care if I died? People might be sad for a bit but they would get over it. I am a pretty forgettable person.

I am just a used piece of trash that no one gives to fucks about. Suicide would make it easier on everyone because then they wouldn't feel obligated and they wouldn't feel the constant need to abandon me.

Fuck it, I know I don't matter. My parents cannot/will not be there for me they have both made it clear that absolute strangers (relational partners) are more important than their fucking kid. Well, fuck it. I am unworthy. I am bad. I am disgustign and I should just fucking croak it would all be better that way. Better for me and my parents. Then there would be no obligatory feelings.

I am worthless and disgusting. I am a used piece of trash and if I were dead at least no one could walk all over me. I would be free. I wouldn't be a piece of fucking trash. I am gross and no one will ever see past that. My parents obviously can't and neither will any of my friends or any guys I hope to ever get with. Just a piece of trash that was thrown out in the rain to deal with all this bullshit. I am nothing but garbage to everyone that I ever come across. I just want to be important to someone and I am not. And it hurts. I am TRASH!! Maybe I am worse than trash? If there is such a thing. I let people do bad things to me and there was a part of me that liked it. A part of me that felt loved. How disgusting. I went back because of that. Because I liked it and I deserve to be treated like trash and like a whore and whatever other way people want to treat me because I am all those things. I HATE ME!!!!!!!


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Re: (SH, Suicide, Abuse) First time, scared! - April 24th 2010, 04:21 AM

Jenna,
You were let down so much. That is obvious. But you are not a piece of trash. Nowhere near that at all.

Most obviously, your family needs counseling. Big time. They owe this to you. I have heard of many situations where families decided to play favorites and put everything into one sibling while neglecting the other. Thus making the neglected one feel, well the way you do right now. But you can't let some senseless idiots that pulled you down in your past to keep you down in your future. It is time to rise up from the ashes.

There are people that would care about you in this world the way that you want to be cared for. To love you the way you want to be loved. People like myself that want to be able to give love to one that is truly deserving of it. You have played an integral part in the recovery of many other people that have been troubled. That is one thing that makes you a very valuable person, and these experiences that you have went through will allow you to support and help others better. Believe in yourself as we believe in you. You are not alone here.
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Re: (SH, Suicide, Abuse) First time, scared! - April 24th 2010, 07:06 AM

Thank you both it helped a lot. And ASH89 you don't sound loopy. I guess what it hard about a lot of it is I know my dad loves me and I know that I am his favorite in a lot of ways. We are emotionally connected and idk he cares more about what I think of him than anyone else. But he is at a point in life where he has to help himself and I understand that, I really do but at the same time I get so tired of people not understanding that I did not get my parents all that much. My dad and I didn't have a 'good' relationship until I was 17 or 18. That is when I realized he did love me. But I still came last. He put everyone else's needs above mine and it is like just once I want to be the most important. I want him to sacrifice for me like he did everyone else. And I know that is fucking selfish but at the same time I resent when he said he 'sacrificed for everyone else' because he did but not for me.

I don't know how to make him understand this either. And I am fucking angry with him. I feel like he abandoned me all those years ago when I was being molested and I feel like he kept abandoning me over and over again after that. That is why I have abandonment issues.

I just want to fucking tell him that I feel that he is to blame for my molestation but I know that it probably irrational. But I just feel like if my parents would have been there I wouldn't have needed to go to those people for 'attention'. So I guess I do blame them, especially my dad, because how does a father not know that their daughter is being molested? How could he see that my brother was getting in trouble, my brother was having sex, my brother was doing this and that but he couldn't see that some fucked up people were molesting his daughter?

I want to tell him all this, ask him all this but I know it would kill him. It would, it might cause him to do something rash too. I just I am angry and I have every right to be but I can't express it.

I feel let down and I feel so angry and I just feel like a father should have known. He should have saved me. Someone should have saved me but no one did because I wasn't important.

And all these feelings keep coming up; abandonment, anger, sadness, regret, rage and I just don't know how to express them and I get so overwhelmed and I get these urges to cut really really deep and to kill myself. I started planning my suicide out in my head today.

I would take these pills so that I would fall asleep and this many miligrams. I would take these pills to do stuff to my heart at this many miligrams. I would take these other pills just to make sure the job was done.

I went on life support once for killing myself and I went into a deep dark hole and that was one of the times I felt most at peace and it scares the shit out of me that a part of me wants to go back to that blackness.

I mean, things really are going good. I have a lot of friends that care about me and as time goes on I keep growing and I keep meeting more people. But this fucking molestation is fucking me up.

All this week I was overly tired and just overly depressed and I knew it meant something more was going to come up about the molestation. Because that is how I get when a memory is coming. So, one night I was reading this book about molestation and it asked the reader to write what they remember and don't remember about the abuse. This is what I wrote (I thought it was a weird exercise until I wrote it)

I am not going to include everything because it is really graphic I am just going to include that part that really got me off balance.

"I don't remember why he liked me so much. I don't remember why he liked to caress me. I don't remember why he treated me so special. I don't remember why he treated me so special and seemed to like me best but then he never brought me candy like he did his kids...I don't remember why he liked me so fucking much...I don't remember why he quit loving me."

After writing all this all these feeling were triggered (feelings I could never really get to.) And I guess it was a memory of sorts. But he liked me a lot. I know that. There was something 'special' about me that made him do it more to me than his kids. I get the feeling he let it get to far and his wife started to get jealous. I don't know how to explain it but it is like I have 'memories' of the feelings I had. I also know that a part of me liked the way he made me feel so special and the way he made me feel loved.

I was so stupid. And having these feelings triggered so much in me. A lot of anger at him and his stupid wife and anger at my dad. Because if he had made me feel loved I wouldn't have turned to them. I wouldn't have needed to and they wouldn't have been able to 'groom' me.

I don't understand why so many people see good in me even my molester in his own way did. People see this strong willed, smart, vibrant person and I hate it because that got me into trouble.

The guy that molested me saw me as a challenge I think. Something to be conquered because he could never conquer me completely. Like I might not have said no (like a stupid idiot) but I fought in other ways. I stood up to him in other ways and that aroused him it made him want to conquer me. I was just a piece of property that needed to be conquered. And at the same time there was like this special bond between us. Idk that sounds so fucking wrong and sick. I am sick.

And I just go back to wishing I were dead. I shouldn't feel this way. I shouldn't feel like he loved me. And be kind of 'glad' about it. Because at least someone loved me for me. In all my fucked up ness.

But all of it makes me fear that all men see me as is something to be conquered because I am so strong willed. I am just fucking strong and I can't help being that way. But it is like a lot of men don't like it. He didn't and he saw it as a challenge. I worry other men will see it that way and will rape me. I don't want to ever feel so helpless again.

I just hate the memories I keep having. I really really do. I hate having to deal with all this. I just want to scream and cry and just express myself but I can't.

So I have this knot in my stomach that never goes away and makes me get urges to self harm and kill myself. I want people to see me as strong but at the same time I don't want people to see me as someone to be conquered.

This is extremely long and I sound like an idiot. Sorry. I just have a lot to deal with I guess. And it is all hard and scary and it hurts.

Sorry if this triggered people. I didn't mean to I just needed to get it out.

EDIT: My dad wants to get back with his partner. He really loves him and regrets breaking it off. He reacted irrationally. He really really cares for and loves this person. I am so saddened by this. I guess I feel jealous. Or idk what. But this person my dad met 8 or 9 months ago needs matter more than mine. This person wants my dad to spend the night my dad does it. It is like the things this person wants matter more than me and I don't understand it at all. Don't get me wrong I like my dad's partner but I just feel like I have to come second.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't want them to get back together because I know that if they do things are going to change even more. My dad is going to devote more of his time to this person. He is going to be around even more.

For example, my dad comes home from work, he changes gets ready and then is like 'I am going to go see A.' We talked a little bit but it is like seeing A is more important. A's company is better than my. I just am not important to anyone. I just want to be the most important thing to someone and never will.

I am important to me, to an extent, but I just see more and more how unimportant I am to my dad and mom and I just feel worthless. I am tired of feeling this way. I want to move out but I can't I don't want to have to live in an environment where I am constantly reminded how unimportant I am. How I am second best. I don't deserve that. I don't and I hate it. I just, idk, want to feel important to my parents and I never will and I am tired of always being reminded of that.

I think I am going to do it. Going to kill myself. Maybe it would be best. It would solve everything. I want to cut right now but I know if I did I would do it really deep and then I would have to go to the hospital and I would have this huge bill and I can't afford that. IDK anymore. I feel hopeless.


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Re: (SH, Suicide, Abuse) First time, scared! - April 24th 2010, 03:13 PM

Jenna,
If that is how you feel they are treating you, that is how you should treat them back. Don't make yourself feel bad because of the lousy way they think. Also don't blame yourself for feeling the twisted ways that you have felt, it is normal for someone that has been traumatized like this to feel this way.

The good thing is that you have friends that care about you in person and on this forum. When I went through the obsessive incident two years ago I had nobody to pull me out of my spiral, nobody there for me. I felt like I was abandoned by the world. When it drove me to have suicidal thoughts, I knew there wasn't really anyone I could hurt besides my mother. But you would be hurting many people if you do something to yourself. Please try to resist the urge. I am here for you if you need someone to turn to.
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Re: (SH, Suicide, Abuse) First time, scared! - April 25th 2010, 09:57 PM

I have been trying to resist but then things just got worse.

Last night I could tell my dad was really depressed and he needed to get out. So he had plans with this one group of people but he wasn't sure if they were going to fall through and he made plans with some other people. Anyway, he ended up having two places to go to which was cool and I encouraged him to go to both places because I felt he needed it and I knew that he felt the same way too.

He went to this Karaoke restaurant and I did too because I needed to get out for a bit and I have some friends that go to Karaoke Thursday and Saturday. Well at about 10 my dad left to go hang out with some other friends. He said he would be home late 2 ish because that is when bars close and what not.

Anyways, I told him not to stress about anything and stay out as long as he needed, etc.

Of course, being home alone at night is the scariest fucking thing for me but I knew my dad needed to go out and I also knew he was going to come home at a decent time. I tried not to worry too much but naturally the fear effected my sleep. I got home from Karaoke at 11:30ish and I couldn't even lay in my bed till 1ish. Then, of course it took me a while to fall asleep and once I fell asleep I tossed and turned all night because I didn't feel safe. I kept waking up etc. The only thing that kept me feeling safe was the fact that my dad was going to come home eventually.

Around 3am I got a call from my dad's ex-partner and I didn't answer because I didn't feel safe (for some reasons phones are an unsafe thing in my life. Don't ask, I don't understand it.) His ex partner left a message saying 'your dad is at my house. He is going to stay the night and he is safe.' I was going to have to stay home alone all night long. And I got even more scared. After the phone call I fell asleep but I had a dream about my abusers and what not. And I didn't sleep good at ALL. I was tossing and turning and maybe got a good 3 hours of sleep from between 1ish and 9am in the morning. I sleep better during the day so I ended up waking up, realizing my dad still was not home at 9am and falling back asleep till 12ish. So I got a decent amount of sleep but I still feel tired as hell. Idk I never feel completely rested.

Anyway it is 2' o clock and my dad is still not home. He is probably at his ex partners and I am mad and feel abandoned and lost and alone. I never tell my dad not to do something. I want him to go out. I want him to have a life. The only thing I have ever asked him was not to leave me alone because it scares the shit out of me.

I am sure that is a lot to ask of him but I cannot help it. I don't sleep good at night as it is and when I am alone it is even worse. I am trying to work on my fears but it might take a while.

I have talked to my dad about this subject all the time (Just this week we talked about it again). I have said "I don't care what you do with your life. Who you are with. Who you hang out with. Where you go. I just don't like to be left alone. I can't be."

He said "I know." So I know he grasped what I was saying and all that. But he leaves me alone over and over again. He left me alone last night and the thing that makes it even worse is the fact that he knew I was depressed all day last night. He knew I have been depressed all week long and he left me alone. He knows that when I get depressed there is a reason for it. He knows what I am dealing with. I have told him a million times that when I get depressed it is usually associated with something from my abuse and that is when I need people to surround me and support me and not leave me alone. ETC. He left me alone and now I feel even more messed up. I am all shaky inside. I feel just all messed up and scared and I don't even know how to explain it.

For the first time in a year I would say I gathered some pills to have with me in case I decide to OD. A part of me is screaming to throw them out or whatever but another part is like 'you need those to support you.' The pills, the sh, the ed are the only things that have never let me down.

I know that I can't expect a lot from my dad. I know that I have to do a lot of the healing on my own but every book I read, every doctor I talk to talks about me needing a support group. I thought my dad was that. I need him for that and he can't/won't give me that. I am alone.

I have a few friends I could talk to but they are always busy. There are other people I might be able to go to but they don't know about the abuse and IDK it is all so complicated. I just wanted my dad to help me a little.

And today, after waking up at 12 and really thinking about everything, I realized that I fucking hate my dad. I have always hated him. I don't feel safe with him. I have never felt safe with him. I needed that safety but I never get it from him. I hate him, I resent him, and I wish with all my might that I could just not live with him anymore but I have absolutely no where to go. I am stuck here, trapped and I don't know what to do.


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