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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
starwars Offline
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Start off with a story - April 25th 2010, 04:37 PM

Let's start off with my story. I've suffered from a multitude of things including Depression, Suicidal thoughts, and Substance abuse for the past four years. I have heard the same bs from every person I have ever talked to. "Everything will be okay," "It's just a phase," "You should see a doctor," etc. I've seen a therapist, I can't talk to them I end up just lying my way into them thinking I'm 'clinically okay.' Last year I drank myself into alcohol poisoning and almost died. I stopped cutting my wrists after that.
Now I am left to talk to myself because I feel so utterly alone it's incredible. I'm just asking to have someone share their story or just talk. It doesn't make me feel quiet so alone. I'm not here to judge or anything, I'm not all that religious.
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Start off with a story - April 25th 2010, 05:44 PM

So, you want us to share our stories too?
I'm sorry, I'm just clearing it up, I wasn't sure
   
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Re: Start off with a story - April 26th 2010, 10:27 PM

I would love you too. It helps me not feel so incredibly alone.
   
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Start off with a story - April 27th 2010, 02:37 AM

You're definitely not alone.

I think my following post is triggering. It deals with abuse, suicidal thoughts, and depression.


My dad used to hit me really bad. It was always me, too. My older sister would do something wrong (and I would even tell him so, to save myself. in retrospect i was a terrible sibling) - but he didn't believe me. He used a belt, newspaper, whatever. His modes of punishment were so traumatizing and so embarrassing. If I cried he would only hit me more times, and harder. The abuse came verbally too. As an alcoholic, sometimes he would come home so drunk that when the next day came around, he didn't remember what had happened. That could mean broken furniture, empty bottles, bruises... I was so afraid of him.

In the meantime, my mother was struggling with him, with her marriage, with her reputation in our community. She set out to build a (totally false) idealistic image for herself at any cost. I didn't see my parents most days. The relationship was so weird. I wasn't even sure if I was allowed to talk to them - if it was normal to talk to your parents like equals. I was scared of them. I didn't try to establish relationships with either of them until I was at least 12.

Luckily a couple of years later it has settled significantly, but in recent years it has been rocky. My dad is still very emotionally abusive, a totally "my way or the highway" kind of attitude. They're divorced. But my depression stemmed from so many more issues. It was how I fit in at school, my fears, my insecurity everywhere I was. If you can't feel safe at home, where are you safe? My parents had introduced the idea of suicide to me in frightening ways. More than once there were police cars outside my house after one of my parents called the police claiming that the other was threatening suicide.

I retreated to my thoughts for the longest time. I had friends but I preferred to "talk to myself." I felt like they could never say anything to help me. "You don't understand. No one understands.." I kept thinking. I was figuring things out. I feel like I was emotionally mature at an early age because of what I was exposed to. But you know what they say - "ignorance is bliss." Though I gained so much knowledge by burying myself in research, I was discovering all the things BAD about humanity. Some philosophies that stood out were "contradiction is the human condition" and "people are animals." I was just like..."Ok, so...what do I have to look forward to in life?" My low point was actually writing a suicide letter...*shudder*

I knew this wasn't right. I had to totally let go of myself. I had to let go of my way of thinking. I had to stop letting my past experiences define me. I sort of handed myself over to my friends to find happiness and hope. They helped me so much, my best friend in particular. I got back into the religion that had been with me the whole time, but now with new fervor. Today- things get tough. Sometimes they get really tough and I give in to bad thoughts...but I can get out of them. I think depression is when you're just stuck in those bad thoughts.

I wouldn't have been able to do it alone.
   
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Re: Start off with a story - April 27th 2010, 04:03 AM

I used to be hit and abused by my parents until the age of 12. I have been suicidal since i was in fourth frikin grade and tried to kill myself many times. When i was 5 my parents got divorced and I never stayed in a town for more then a year but when i moved somewhere that I hate my mom decides to stay and live here for a long time (more then 4 years) and all my sisters and I are doing here is suffering from how bad it is here. Earlier this year I was in a mental hospital and was kicked out because of bad insurance and I lied to get out of there. I have tried to kill myself about... 11 times. And I used to cut my wrists all before the age of 13. I cant cut no matter how much I want to because i'll be sent back to that hell hole of a mental ward. :/


Just because her eyes don't tear doesn't mean her heart doesn't cry. And just because she comes off strong, doesn't mean there's nothing wrong.-Anonymous


I'll stay with you,

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be careful what you do,

cause im not bulletproof.
   
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Re: Start off with a story - May 1st 2010, 01:43 PM

Well, here's my story;

I'm depressed, I self harm, I pop a lot of pills that I shouldn't, I'm suicidal a lot of the time and my life has pretty much lost any meaning it used to have.

My sister is bulimic, she's slowly, slowly dying away, and that hurts so bad, seeing her deteriorate and not being able to do ANYTHING to make the situation better. I hate myself for not helping my sister.

My Aunty is both anorexic and has MS, I love her to pieces, and seeing her slowly die is pretty damn hard too, I just want to help her, make her feel better, stop all of her pain. But I can't.

One of my friends was recently sexually assaulted and she's so upset, which of course, upsets me, and makes me so mad at the guy who assaulted her. I just want to scream at him, he's such a heartless prick. Plus, she also struggles with bulimia, which is sooooo upsetting, yet another person who's a victim to eating disorders.

Recently, my best friend hasn't been eating anything at all, and I'm concerned that she may be developing an eating disorder herself. This will be the fourth person in my life to succumb to an eating disorder, if it turns out to be one. And it drives me crazy, all the time. I can't lose these people, If I do, I'm literally nobody, yet all of them are slowly killing themselves with these eating disorders.

My life is a huge struggle, I could go into a lot more detail, but, I'd rather not, it's all so triggering. I'm trapped in a grave that I've dug myself. I go to therapy, but, I lie to my therapist and my mother. They both think that I'm better, that I no longer self harm, that I am healthy and happy again. I don't tell them the truth because I don't want my mother to know anything anymore, I hate disappointing her, and if I tell my counsellor that I've self harmed again, he's obliged to tell my mother by law. I can't put her through that all over again, and I can't cause her or myself so much grief.

Remember, you're NOT alone, you're never alone.
And we're always here to help, if you want us to


PM me anytime, I love helping people and will do my best to help you <3


And if I bleed, I'll bleed knowing you don't care
~ Evanescence, Missing
   
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Re: Start off with a story - May 1st 2010, 10:29 PM

Hey. Well, where to start? my family isnt like most of your guys' . ive never been physically abused,mentally sometimes, but ive only ever gotten slapped before and spanked when i was little, which is nothing. the only person who really knows me is my bestfriend who helps me through everything. Im pretty depressed ( havent been diagnosed or anything, no one knows but my bestie), i have suicidal thoughts, never attempted, but have planned it out, and i cut. thats about it. everyone thinks that im so happy, cuz i fake it. im good at fooling people, acting. i always put on a big smile and laugh and act perfectly normal , when really, im dying inside. but ive got my bestfriend who has also had a problem with cutting but overcame it. shes what keeps me alive here!


I'm burning out like a bright light, I wasn't ready for this. You're adorable as hell, but I'm glancing at your wrist.
   
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Re: Start off with a story - May 2nd 2010, 03:24 AM

You know this really helps a lot.

I never really talk to many people about any of my problems, I never share or ask for help. I'd rather surround myself with my own problems then have more people join in. I suffer from depression but I hide it pretty good. My family consists of my dad who drinks to much and mumbles how big of a bitch I am under his breath, my mother who thought I was convinced I was perfect until I almost died, and my egotistic brother. I don't honestly know where I am going with this.

To tell you the truth I am more lonely then I ever have been. I lost all my friends a year ago and my family has never been the same. I dream huge for the future but constantly tell myself that dreams don't come true.

Everything that has happened to me in the past all has to deal with what is going through my mind.

Weird? I know!
   
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Re: Start off with a story - May 2nd 2010, 09:21 AM

hi there.

i hide my feelings, my parents think i'm just another rebellious teenager addicted to facebook and internet, my friends loathe me because i'm vice-president of my club, so now i'm not even sure if i can keep that post anymore.

right now the biggest wish of my life is to have true friends. i don't really care whether it's one, two, three, as long as i can have one. just one would do.

haha, i turn to youtube for comfort. watch a few funny videos, listen to some great songs, and soon enough you're back on your feet!
   
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Re: Start off with a story - May 5th 2010, 10:52 PM

i started cutting a while ago. like since november. i had to stop last month. because my mom threatened to send me to a hospital. and that makes me think that there's something wrong with me. but i still want to cut myself. my mom checks my wrists almost everyday. i lost almost all of my good friends. but i gained some more. but i cant tell them anything. they think im normal. cause i'm pretty good at hiding the fact that im depressed. i've almost killed myself so many times. i hate my life and i feel like i just dont deserve to live anymore. because i've hurt so many people. and to make it all worse. the one friend i didnt lose-her mom wont let us be friends anymore. and im not sure i would want to be her friend anyway. cause the way my mom found out was that she told her mom and her mom told the guidance counseler. and apparently by law the guidance couseler had to tell my mom. life is so unfair. people are so unkind. my mom has physically abused me before. she doesnt anymore. but she emotionally and verbally abuses me everyday. i just cant stand to live anymore. i have more bad days then good days. yesterday was a really bad day. but today is a sorta good day. as good as they get for me. sometimes i remember that life cant get any worse.
thats my story... pretty much... i just want to be better. happy. and with really good friends i can rely on. but it doesnt seem to be happening

Last edited by ~Ash~; May 5th 2010 at 10:58 PM.
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